When it comes to expressing our feelings and needs, we may struggle to find a way to express them politely and courageously at the same time, therefore we may either act passively and suppress our feeling and needs or burst out in anger and aggression. This post is a concise summary (containing excerpts) from the book: Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It shows you a technique how to communicate with yourself and others with compassion (=understanding, tolerance, consideration, benevolence), and how to considerately and effectively express your feelings and needs.
The main principle of compassionate communication and emotional liberation is: “stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that needs of others be fulfilled”.
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When someone gives us a negative message we don't like (e.g.”you are the most selfish person I've ever met”, “it is your fault”, “you make me angry”, etc.), we have 2 harmful options and 2 fruitful options as to how to receive it:
😦 Option #1. Blaming ourself:
We accept the other person's judgement and blame ourself (e.g. "you are right, I should have been more sensitive"). We choose this option at a great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame and depression.
We are trained to be other-directed ("what is it that others think right for me to say and do?") rather than to be in contact with ourself. If we don't value our needs, others may not either.
We are trained to be other-directed ("what is it that others think right for me to say and do?") rather than to be in contact with ourself. If we don't value our needs, others may not either.
Respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt or shame!! ✔
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt. The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one's own feelings to others. Feeling responsible for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring (e.g. "it hurts mammy when you get poor grades in school").
Make choices motivated purely by desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.
😠Option #2. Blaming others:
We are likely to feel anger when we choose this option (e.g. "you make me angry, you disappoint me”, etc.). We make moralistic judgements implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who dont act in harmony with our values (e.g."the problem with you is that you are...selfish, lazy, prejudiced"). Our attention is focused on classifying, analysing and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. When we judge others (“who is what”,“who deserves what"), we contribute to violence.
People do not hear our pain as soon as they think they have done something wrong. When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack (e.g. “you have no right to say that”, “you are who is selfish not me").
Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, diagnoses are all forms of judgement. These are tragic expressions of our own values and needs, because we increase defensiveness and resistance and we will not get what we want, or if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame.
We all pay dearly because sooner or later we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They also pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear guilt or shame, and associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.
We all pay dearly because sooner or later we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They also pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear guilt or shame, and associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.
Realize that what other people say or do is never the cause how you feel. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment. What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings but not the cause. The cause of anger lies in our thinking that is disconnected from needs. Divorce the other person for any responsibility for your anger.
List the judgements that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, "i don't like people who are...", and then ask yourself "when i make that judgement of a person, what am i needing and not getting?", this way you can train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather then in terms of judgements of other people. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
☺ Option #3. Sensing our own feelings and needs, and expressing them: ✔
When our needs are not being fulfilled, we express what we are observing, feeling and needing with a specific request (we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs).
For instance, “I feel frustrated, when I see that you spent the weekends in the last three months without me because I need/would like to spend more time with you, so would you be willing to spend at least one whole day together with me per week?”, or “I feel angry when I see dirty clothes around, because I need harmony and peace when I am at home, so would you be willing to remove your clothes from the floor”, etc.)
For instance, “I feel frustrated, when I see that you spent the weekends in the last three months without me because I need/would like to spend more time with you, so would you be willing to spend at least one whole day together with me per week?”, or “I feel angry when I see dirty clothes around, because I need harmony and peace when I am at home, so would you be willing to remove your clothes from the floor”, etc.)
step1. OBSERVATION:
We observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying and doing that we either like or do not like? The trick is to articulate it without introducing any judgement or evaluation.
Clearly observe what we are seeing hearing or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being without mixing in any evaluation, or passing judgement on either the person or the behavior. When we combine observation with evaluation, people apt to hear criticism. (Jiddu Krishnamurti: "observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence")
Indicate if an evaluation is being made !! (e.g. instead of saying "you are too generous”, rather say this “when i see you give all your money to others i think you are being too generous")
Avoid:
¤ Using words with evaluative connotations (e.g. lazy, ugly, procrastinate, etc.)
¤ Implication that your inferences/opinions about another person's thoughts, feelings intentions or desires are the only ones possible (e.g. "he won't make it”, say this rather: “i don't think he will make it")
¤ Confusion of predictions with certainty (e.g. "if you don't exercise, then you will be unhealthy", say this rather: “i am afraid, you will be unhealthy if you...”)
step2. FEELINGS:
We state how we feel when we observe others action: are we hurt, scared, joyful amused, irritated?
Distinguish feelings from thoughts: what we feel, and what we think we are (e.g. "I feel as if/i feel that/i feel like a failure" is a thought, not a feeling).
Distinguish what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us (e.g. "I feel unimportant, misunderstood, ignored" this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others).
Build a vocabulary for feelings:
step3. NEEDS:
We say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings.
We accept responsibility rather than blame others for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, hope, values, or thoughts behind our feeling. (e.g. “I feel angry when I see dirty clothes around, because I need peace and harmony when I am at home”)
Speech patterns that mask accountability for our feelings:
¤ Statements that use only the actions of others (e.g. "when you dont call me on my birthday, I feel hurt");
¤ “Because you” expression (e.g."i feel ....because you....” , say this rather: “I feel because I ......”);
¤ Impersonal pronoun (e.g. "it/that bugs me").
[ Basic human needs:
Physical nurturance: air, food, water, shelter, protection, movement/exercise, rest, touch, sexual expression;
Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, empathy, honesty, love; reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth;
Autonomy: to choose one's dreams, goals and values, and one's path to fulfill them;
Integrity: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth;
Celebration: to celebrate dreams fulfilled and life, and mourn over losses;
Play: fun, laughter;
Spiritual communion: beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace. ]
Step4. REQUEST:
What we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our life or make life more wonderful for us.
The clearer we are what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met, we get what we want. Making request in a clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want, whereas vague language contributes to internal confusion.
Use positive language (e.g. "I want....” vs. “I dont want")
Avoid vague, abstract, ambiguous phrasing (e.g. I need help, love, freedom, etc.) and word your request in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake.
Define your objective when you make a request: if your objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get your way regardless of what they want, then compassionate communication is not an appropriate tool. It is your tool if your objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy, and you want others change and respond only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.
Requests unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs may sound like a demand. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply, and they see two options: submission or rebellion.
How to tell if it is a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. It is a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges, or lays a guilt-trip. It is a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person's needs ("so, you feel tired and need a little rest? ").
Choosing to request rather then demand does not mean we give up when someone says 'no' to our request, it does mean we don't engage in persuasion until we have empathised with what is preventing the other person from saying yes.
Choosing to request rather then demand does not mean we give up when someone says 'no' to our request, it does mean we don't engage in persuasion until we have empathised with what is preventing the other person from saying yes.
The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection (e.g. "if you loved me, you would do it"), the more likely our requests will be heard as demands, this leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he/she can do so willingly ("would you be willing to... vs. i would like you to do....")
To the degree that people in life have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in a request. In this case, emphasize that they are free to choose (e.g. “how can i let you know what i am wanting from you so it doesn't sound like i dont care about what you would like/want?").
The message we send is not always the message that is received. Ask the listener for reflection, indicate that it is because you want to be sure that you expressed yourself clearly (e.g. "could you tell me what you just heard me say, I want to make sure i have expressed myself clearly", "do you understand what i mean?")
After we express ourself vulnerably, we often want to know the other person's reaction to what we have said. We can take three directions:
¤ What the listener is feeling ("how you feel about what i have just said?")
¤ What the listener is thinking, specify which thoughts you would like to receive ("what do you think would make my plan successful?")
¤ Whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action ("I would like you to tell me if you would be willing to ..")
Quick guide to expressing anger:
1.Stop and do nothing except to breathe.
We refrain from any move to blame or punish the other person. Give yourself the empathy for the hurt, fear or rage that is stirring inside you.
2.Identify your judgemental thoughts
(e.g. "it is unfair/wrong to act like that")
(e.g. "it is unfair/wrong to act like that")
3.Connect with your needs behind those thoughts (here we may empathise with the other person first and hear his pain so that they will be better able to hear us when we express our feelings and unmet needs)
4.Express your feelings and unmet needs
(e.g. "i am angry because I am needing....; and avoid this: “I am angry becuse You...”).
Expressing appreciation:
Notice when you say “you are generous, nice, etc.”, words denoting ability, you are evaluating the other person, in other words, you make judgements, although positive ones.
Rather, express the action the other person contributed to your well-being, and your feelings and needs. (e.g. “thank you for this wonderful book, I have been searching for a good book on this topic so long, you made my day by giving me this.”).
If you are the receiver, thank for it regardless your agreeing with it or not, receive appreciation gracefully, without feelings of superiority of false humility.
Rather, express the action the other person contributed to your well-being, and your feelings and needs. (e.g. “thank you for this wonderful book, I have been searching for a good book on this topic so long, you made my day by giving me this.”).
If you are the receiver, thank for it regardless your agreeing with it or not, receive appreciation gracefully, without feelings of superiority of false humility.
☺ Option #4. Sensing other's feelings and needs: ✔
Receive the same four pieces of information from others: sense what they are observing, feeling, needing and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving their request.
Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. People who seem like monsters are simply human beings whose language and behavior sometimes keep us from seeing their humanness. No matter what words people use to express themself, we listen for their observations, feelings and needs, and what they are requesting.
In relating to others, empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgements about them. Empty your mind and listen actively to others with your whole being. Empathy requires focusing full attention on the other person's message and what they are experiencing.
We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. Allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning your attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed to quickly to what other people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs, and they may get the impression that we are in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or fix-it advice.
Communication mistakes:
¤ advising ("i think you should..", "how come you didn't...")
¤ educating ("this could turn into a useful experience if you...")
¤ consoling ("it wasn't your fault, you did the best you could")
¤ story-telling ("that reminds me of the time..")
¤ one-upping (e.g. "that is nothing, wait till you hear what happened to me")
¤ shutting down (e.g. "cheer up, dont feel so bad")
¤ sympathizing (e.g. "oh, you poor thing..")
¤ interrogating (e.g. "when did this begin?")
¤ explaining (e.g. "i would have called but")
¤ correcting (e.g. "that's not how it happened")
When they fully expressed themselves, then paraphrase what you heard. Guess about other's feelings and needs (e.g. "are u feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?"). Paraphrasing will confirm for the speaker if we accurately received the message, or the speaker has the opportunity to correct us. Reflecting the message also offers them time to reflect on what they have said and an opportunity to touch deeper levels of themselves. When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. When they hear themselves reflected back, people are likely to be sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism or sarcasm.
Paraphrasing take the form of questions, focusing on:
¤ What others are observing (e.g. "are you reacting to how many evenings i was gone last week?");
¤ How others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings (e.g. "are you feeling hurt because you need/would like more appreciation for your...?");
¤ What others are requesting (e.g."are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for...").
People feel safer if we first reveal our feelings and needs within ourself that are generating the question (e.g. "i am frustrated because i would like to be clearer about what you are referring to", versus "what did i do?").
We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when: we sense a release of tension in our own body, or the speaker will stop talking. If we are uncertain, ask ("is there more that you wanted to say?").
If we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathise despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy. Provide ourself with empathy by listening to what is going on in ourselves with full presence and attention until we experience a natural release of energy that then enables us to be present with the other person. If however, the other party is also experiencing such intensity of feelings that they can neither hear us nor leave us alone, it is better to physically remove ourselves from the situation.
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"Metta" loving kindness meditation, which emphasize compassion, can strenghten the basis of non-violent communication. Practitioners train in by contemplating and visualizing the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings, while they are repeating this utterance: “May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.” Here you can learn the basics of Metta loving kindness meditation:
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