Certain situations in life trigger strong negative emotions that dominate our current mood and behavior. You may think that these reactions (comprising of emotions, thoughts/beliefs and physical sensations) are rooted in your core personality, it is You. You accept them as absolute truths.
A great psychologist, Jeffrey Young (his master was Aaron Beck, the creator of cognitive therapy) identified 18 dysfunctional themes regarding oneself and one's relationship with others that develop in childhood and adolescence from an interplay between the child's innate temperament, and the ongoing experiences with parents, siblings, or peers. Schemas begin early in life, become familiar, pervasive and rigid, that is why it feels like a part of you by the time you're an adult.
[Books by Jeffrey Young: Reinventing your life; Schema therapy]
[Books by Jeffrey Young: Reinventing your life; Schema therapy]
These maladaptive schemas ("emotional memories") remain dormant until one or more are activated by life events and relevant situations. When activated, they induce strong emotions and predominate our current mood and behavior (e.g. the mildest form is a normal mood shift, such as a lonely mood or an angry mood).
In order to cope with the accompanied strong feelings, you unconsciously employ coping responses learnt in childhood that were adaptive once, but became maladaptive in adulthood.
For instance, you never say “no” because you feel that you have no choice but to give in to other people's wishes, or else they will retaliate or reject you in some way (you act out of fear, guilt or shame); OR You avoid intimate relationships because you are afraid that they will leave; OR You feel there is constant pressure for you to achieve and you do not let yourself have fun and enjoy life, etc.
For instance, you never say “no” because you feel that you have no choice but to give in to other people's wishes, or else they will retaliate or reject you in some way (you act out of fear, guilt or shame); OR You avoid intimate relationships because you are afraid that they will leave; OR You feel there is constant pressure for you to achieve and you do not let yourself have fun and enjoy life, etc.
Your coping responses vary in order to deal with the strong emotions: it might be surrender (giving in to the schemas), overcompensation (doing the opposite of what our schemas makes you feel) or avoidance (finding ways to escape or block out your schemas).
The good news is that you can weaken and eliminate these schemas and self-defeating behavioral responses. The first step is to bring them into awareness and do not accept them as absolute truths !!!
Here the 18 schemas:
Have you ever noticed that:
Have you ever noticed that:
1. You are afraid that people you feel close to, they will leave you; and you get desperate when they are pulling away (abandonment/instability schema). Your coping response, for example:
- you cling to the partner to a point of pushing partner away, and you vehemently attack partner for even minor separations (overcompensation coping response); or
- you select partners who cannot make a commitment (e.g. married, addict), and you remain in the relationship (surrender coping response); or
- you avoid intimate relationships (avoidance coping response).
2. You feel that you cannot let your guard down in the presence of other people, or else they will intentionally hurt, betray, or take advantage of you (mistrust/abuse schema). Your coping response:
- you select abusive partners and permit abuse (surrender); or
- you avoid becoming vulnerable and trusting anyone, and keep secrets (avoidance); or
- you use and abuse others "get others before they get you" (overcompensation).
3. You feel that you haven't had someone to nurture you, really listens to you and understands you, give you warmth, holding, and affection, or care deeply about you (emotional deprivation schema). Your coping response:
- you select emotionally depriving partners and does not ask them to meet needs (surrender); or
- you avoid intimate relationships altogether (avoidance); or
- you act emotionally demanding with partners and close friends (overcompensation).
4. You feel that you are not lovable, or unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others, and no man/woman you desire could love you once he/she knew the real you and saw your defects (defectiveness/shame schema). Your coping response:
- you select critical and rejecting friends, or you put yourself down (surrender); or
- you avoid expressing true thoughts and feelings and letting others get close (avoidance); or
- you criticize and reject others while seeming to be perfect, "I am superior" arrogant attitude (overcompensation).
5. You feel that you are fundamentally different from other people, and you don't fit in, you are a loner or outsider (social isolation/alienation schema). Your coping response:
- at social gatherings you focus exclusively on differences from others rather than similarities (surrender); or
- you avoid social situations and groups (avoidance); or
- you become a chameleon to fit into groups (overcompensation).
6. You do not feel confident and capable of getting by on your own in everyday life, you feel dependent. (dependence/incompetence schema). Your coping response:
- you ask significant others, partners, spouse to make all your financial decisions (surrender); or
- you avoid taking on new challenges, e.g. learning to drive (avoidance); or
- you become so self-reliant that you do not ask anyone for anything, "counterdependent" (overcompensation).
7. You feel that something bad is about to happen at any moment, a disaster (natural, criminal, financial, or medical), and you can't be too careful (vulnerability to harm or illness schema). Your coping response:
- you obsessively read about catastrophes in newspapers and anticipates them in everyday situation (surrender); or
- you avoid going places that do not seem totally safe (avoidance); or
- you act recklessly without regard to danger, "counterphobic" (overcompensation).
8. You have not been able to separate yourself from your parents, you tend to be over involved in each other's lives and problems, and you don't have a life of your own. Enmeshment/undeveloped self schema). Your coping response:
- you tell mother everything even as an adult, and lives through partner (surrender); or
- you avoid intimacy, stays independent (avoidance); or
- you try to become the opposite of significant others in all ways (overcompensation).
9. You feel that you are incompetent when it comes to achievement, most other people are more capable, talented and intelligent (failure schema). Your coping response:
- you do tasks in a halfhearted or haphazard manner (surrender); or
- you avoid work or other challenges completely, and procrastinates on tasks (avoidance); or
- you become "overachiever" by ceaselessly driving yourself (overcompensation).
10. You think you are special and shouldn't have to accept many of the restrictions placed on other people, and you have trouble accepting "no" for an answer when you want something from other people, or you become easily frustrated and give up (entitlement/grandiosity schema). Your coping response:
- you bully others into getting your own way, and brag about your accomplishments (surrender); or
- you avoid situations in which you are average, not superior (avoidance); or
- you attend excessively to the needs of others (overcompensation).
11. You have trouble to do things you don't enjoy or complete routine or boring tasks, and you hate to be constrained or kept from doing what you want (insufficient self-control/self-discipline schema). Your coping response:
- you give up easily on routine tasks (surrender); or
- you avoid employment or accepting responsibility (avoidance); or
- you become overly self-controlled or self-disciplined (overcompensation).
12. You feel that you have no choice but to give in to other people's wishes, or else they will retaliate or reject you in some way (subjugation schema). Your coping response:
- you let others individuals control situations and make choices (surrender); or
- you avoid situations that might involve conflict with another individual (avoidance); or
- you rebel against authority (overcompensation).
13. You feel that you sacrifice yourself and do too much for others and not enough for yourself, and you have little time for yourself (self-sacrifice schema). Your coping response:
- you give a lot to others and ask for nothing in return (surrender); or
- you avoid situations involving giving or taking (avoidance); or
- you give as little to others as possible (overcompensation).
14. You feel worthwhile only if you receive a lot of praise, compliments and attention, recognition and admiration from others, and having money, accomplishments or knowing important people give your value (approval-seeking/recognition-seeking schema). Your coping response:
- you act to impress others (surrender); or
- you avoid interacting with those whose approval is coveted (avoidance); or
- you go out of the way to provoke the disapproval of others, and stays in the background (overcompensation).
15. You worry that something bad is likely to happen, a wrong decision could lead to a disaster and you lose everything, all your money and become very poor (negativity/pessimism schema). Your coping response:
- you focus on the negative, ignore the positive, worry constantly, go to great lengths to avoid any possible negative outcome (surrender); or
- you drink to blot out pessimistic feelings and unhappiness (avoidance); or
- you are overly optimistic, and deny unpleasant realities (overcompensation).
16. You find it hard to be free-spirited and spontaneous, or you feel embarrassing to express your feelings to others (e.g. anger, vulnerability, affection), you may seem unemotional (emotional inhibition schema). Your coping response:
- you maintain a calm, emotionally flat demeanor (surrender); or
- you avoid situation in which people discuss or express feelings (avoidance); or
- you awkwardly try to be the life of the party, even though it feels forced and unnatural (overcompensation).
17. You feel there is constant pressure for you to achieve and get things done, you must meet all your responsibilities, and you must be the best at most of what you do (unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness/"perfectionism" schema). Your coping response:
- you spend inordinate amounts of time trying to be perfect (surrender); or
- you avoid or procrastinate in situations and tasks in which performance will be judged (avoidance); or
- you do not care about standards at all, and do tasks in a hasty, careless manner (overcompensation).
18. You feel that if you make a mistake, you should suffer the consequences and deserve to be punished, "you deserve it" mentality (punitiveness schema). Your coping response:
- you treat self and others in harsh, punitive manner (surrender); or
- you avoid others for fear of punishment (avoidance); or
- you behave in overly forgiving way (overcompensation).
What is a family like where dysfunctional schemas develop?
#1-5 schemas belong to the Disconnection & Rejection schema domain: general expectation that your basic needs will be met by others in an unpredictable or inconsistent way. People having these schemas come from families perceived as instable or detached (abandonment schema), abusive (mistrust schema), cold (emotional deprivation schema) rejecting (defectiveness), isolated (alienation).
Note that the pattern of infant-mother attachment shapes the individual's expectations in later relationships (see below Attachment style in romantic relationships). Early patterns of attachment (mother-infant) is a result of a combination of the child’s innate temperament and their parent’s sensitivity towards their needs. Mothers who respond to the child’s needs incorrectly or who are impatient or ignore the child, are likely to have insecurely attached children.
Secure attachment: when children feel they can rely on their caregivers to attend to their needs of proximity, emotional support and protection. Securely attached children develop a positive working model of themselves and have mental representations of others as being helpful while viewing themselves as worthy of respect.
Insecure-avoidant children are very independent of the attachment figure/caregiver both physically and emotionally. They think themselves unworthy and unacceptable, caused by unresponsive, rejecting primary caregiver.
Insecure-ambivalent-resistant children exhibit clingy and dependent behavior, but is rejecting of the attachment figure when they engage in interaction. They exhibit difficulty moving away from the attachment figure to explore novel surroundings, and when distressed they are difficult to soothe. They have a negative self-image and exaggerate their emotional responses as a way to gain attention. This style is the result of an inconsistent level of response from the primary caregiver, sometimes the child’s needs are met, and sometimes they are ignored by the caregiver.
Note that the pattern of infant-mother attachment shapes the individual's expectations in later relationships (see below Attachment style in romantic relationships). Early patterns of attachment (mother-infant) is a result of a combination of the child’s innate temperament and their parent’s sensitivity towards their needs. Mothers who respond to the child’s needs incorrectly or who are impatient or ignore the child, are likely to have insecurely attached children.
Secure attachment: when children feel they can rely on their caregivers to attend to their needs of proximity, emotional support and protection. Securely attached children develop a positive working model of themselves and have mental representations of others as being helpful while viewing themselves as worthy of respect.
Insecure-avoidant children are very independent of the attachment figure/caregiver both physically and emotionally. They think themselves unworthy and unacceptable, caused by unresponsive, rejecting primary caregiver.
Insecure-ambivalent-resistant children exhibit clingy and dependent behavior, but is rejecting of the attachment figure when they engage in interaction. They exhibit difficulty moving away from the attachment figure to explore novel surroundings, and when distressed they are difficult to soothe. They have a negative self-image and exaggerate their emotional responses as a way to gain attention. This style is the result of an inconsistent level of response from the primary caregiver, sometimes the child’s needs are met, and sometimes they are ignored by the caregiver.
#6-9 schemas belong to the Impaired Autonomy & Performance schema domain: doubt in your ability to survive and function on your own, or demonstrate success. People with these feelings were overprotected and their ability as a child to show independent competence were not reinforced (e.g. doing things for the kid rather than teaching him how to do things for himself).
#10-11 schemas belong to the Impaired Limits schema domain: general lack of respect to others, difficulty cooperating with others, and inability to tolerate normal levels of discomfort. People with these schemas come from families with overly permissive parenting style, overindulgence, lack of guidance/direction, or a sense of superiority.
#12-14 schemas belong to the Other-Directedness schema domain: excessive focus on the wants, needs, desires, and reactions of others; sacrifices tend to be made in hopes of gaining love and approval or maintaining relational ties to others. People with these schemas come from families who show conditional acceptance. Many parents within these families tend to place their own emotional needs, desires or social status/acceptance above the needs of their children.
#15-18 schemas belong to the Overvigilance & Inhibition schema domain: suppressing spontaneous emotions, impulses or focusing on a deep desire to adhere to rigid rules and expectations regarding ethical behavior and performance. The basic cost is authentic happiness, inner peace, and meaningful relationships. These schemas may develop within families who are demanding, perhaps punitive, hide/avoid emotions, require perfection and high achievement, and place emphasis on avoiding mistakes over happiness and relaxation.
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Attachment style in romantic relationships
👎People with anxious attachment style are continuously preoccupied with fear of abandonment and rejection, and they think the other person does not love them as much as they do.
👎 People with avoidant attachment style do not desire close relationships, they prefer being alone, and they do not share much about themself in a relationship.
👎 People with mixed (anxious-avoidant) style, they would like to have an intimate, loving relationship but they are afraid, and avoid emotional closeness and do not share too much about themself.
💖 Healthy attachment style: You are capable of establishing honest, close relationship with your life partner and have intimate communication and self- disclosure.
The triangular theory of love (Robert Sternberg) describes the components of consummate love:
intimacy (=feelings of closeness and attachement, or familiarity),
passion (=physical arousal or feeling of enthusiasm) and
commitment (=conscious decision to be loyal).
For instance, romantic love contains passion and intimacy but no commitment; and if there is only passion without commitment and intimacy, that is infatuation.
The triangular theory of love (Robert Sternberg) describes the components of consummate love:
intimacy (=feelings of closeness and attachement, or familiarity),
passion (=physical arousal or feeling of enthusiasm) and
commitment (=conscious decision to be loyal).
For instance, romantic love contains passion and intimacy but no commitment; and if there is only passion without commitment and intimacy, that is infatuation.
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How to weaken or get rid of maladaptive schemas?
Step1. Identify schemas and behavioral responses
1.1.
Imagine a current situation associated with strong emotions with eyes closed, focus especially on the emotions and where in the body you can feel the emotion. When the emotion is clear enough, wipe away the image of the current situation and just stay with the emotion (a.k.a. affect bridge) and go back to your childhood and see if an image that is associated to that emotion pops up. Explore the childhood image with emphasis on emotions and needs, the emotions and need you could not or were not allowed to express.
Try to find out what needs of yours were not fulfilled (e.g. need for nourishment, safety, attachment/love, admiration, approval, expressing needs and emotions, spontaneity and play, or independence or realistic limits).
Alternatively, you can dwell on each schema and search for a situation in your childhood or present when you have that feeling. (e.g. you were ridiculed when you were learning how to swim, and you had a feeling of shame and inadequacy)
1.2. Furthermore, notice your coping responses that alleviate the painful emotions of the activated schema (e.g. you have a shame schema and you cope with that by avoiding challenging tasks or adventures).
Step 2. Visualization rescripting technique:
Imagine a painful childhood memory with eyes closed. Such memory can be found through imagining a current situation associated with strong emotions, focusing especially on the emotions and where in the body you can feel the emotion. When the emotion is clear enough, wipe away the image of the current situation and just stay with the emotion (a.k.a. affect bridge) and go back to your childhood and see if an image that is associated to that emotion pops up. When you clearly feel the related emotions and needs, you (or introduce a helping figure in the image who helps you) modify the situation to a more pleasant ending, so your needs are fulfilled (e.g. imagine that you confront your critical parent and explain them how their harsh communication caused damage; OR practice saying "no" if you do not want to do a thing).
Step 3. Behavioral change
After challenging each schema in imagery, next step is to eliminate your coping behavioral responses, which were adaptive in childhood but maladaptive in adulthood (e.g. if you avoided romantic relationships or getting close to someone, now try to get involved in intimate relationships and desensitize your fears/anxiety through repeated exposure). Work the situation out in detail (e.g. imagine what you will exactly do, think, feel and say, and how others will probably react etc.). Try out different approaches and rehearse it over and over in imagery and then practice it in role-play and then in reality.
Anyway, meditation is an effective way to discover our real self and unconscious drives. Here you find detailed guide how to do it: The oldest effective meditation
☆ The End ☆
!!! NEXT STEP: more Self-knowledge posts
How to get rid of disliked traits: the science of conditioning
