When do you feel worthless? (Make a list)
Do you think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing?
Do you think you must never fail?
Do you think you should always feel happy, confident and strong?
Do you feel you must impress others to like you?
Do you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable?
Life philosophy of the Western world (“worthwhileness depends on achievements”) promotes the development of perfectionism and unhealthy self-esteem resulting in heavy load of stress, emotional vulnerability, anxiety and growing cases of depression. If your self-esteem (the capacity to love and respect yourself) has to be earned, thus your worthwhileness depends on conditions such as accomplishments, looks, work achievements, personal relationships etc., you make yourself vulnerable since there will be times when you do not measure up to the criterion you have chosen, and you fail. You will feel ashamed and inferior to others who are more successful and attractive or you will feel worthless if you are rejected or not loved. And so, you will be defensive and sensitive to critics since your self-esteem is on the line, and eventually you will have little capacity to love and respect yourself and other people.
If you have a slight feeling of being not good enough, you need to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy (your approach to living your life).
Having a healthy self-esteem means that you know and feel that you are worthy simply because you are a (living) being, no matter that you are successful or not.
And so, instead of worrying about whether you are worthy and good enough, each day have goals that involve personal growth, being productive, helping others, improving your relationships, having fun, and learn something (e.g. read philosophy books and see how other people, cultures and religions have been thought of the world and life). Give meaning to your days that will grant the meaning of life.
How to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy?
Your attitude= beliefs, feelings and behavior tendencies toward people, groups, ideas and objects determine the way you live your life and define who you are after all.
Beliefs come from real experiences, and then they influence later experiences (“what you believe what you experience”, it works as a self-fulfilling profecy), thus beliefs are may not based on actual reality but rooted in old experiences and carried over to the present (pre-existing beliefs: assumptions and stereotypes). You act based on what you expect after all not what you want.
Strong beliefs become values that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make, other beliefs not so important remain opinions. Values are also influenced by family, culture, religion, education, and social groups.
Step1. Trace beliefs
Write down briefly the principles of your life, and your beliefs about relationships, people, things and life (expectancies and understanding how things are and how things should be). Here there are some guiding questions. Contemplate on each question for 3 days and write down your answers:
How people, the world, and things are?
How people, the world, and things should be?
How should people live their life?
What is your motto? (e.g. ”work hard, play hard”; etc.)
What are the principles of your life (guiding and moral principles that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make)?
What values do you hold dear and strive for? (e.g. non-violence; truthfulness; courage, openness; loyalty; cleanliness; punctuality; objectivity; creativity - thinking outside the box; integrity - do what you say; authenticity - being the real you; etc.).
What personal characteristics do you most want? What qualities do you admire in others?
What is wrong and right?
What is a worthwhile person like? What is a worthless person like?
What is a successful person like?
What do you think about failure?
What makes a good friend?
What is true love like?
What advices do you carry from your parents you agree with?
What advice would you give to an infant to succeed in life?
What do you think and feel about race, gender, religion, culture, clothes, lifestyle, money, relationships, success, illegal drugs, abortion, homosexuality, death penalty, voluntary euthanasia, etc.? (“I believe that....”, “I think that....”, “I doubt that...”, “I am certain that....”)
Step2. Detect self-defeating beliefs
Holding self-defeating beliefs can manifest as negative thinking and judgemental attitude. You may not be aware of your negative thoughts and the underlying beliefs, which unconsciously block the way to success. Here there are three ways to detect negative thoughts.
#1.
Record your self-talk for a while to see whether you have damaging self-critics. Write down your internal dialogs daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).
Here is a post how to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts once and for all: What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts
#2.
You can find out damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and put you down (e.g. you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough, etc.).
#3.
After you list your negative thoughts, pick a negative thought (or worry) to identify underlying beliefs. Write it down the negative thought and draw a vertical arrow and write down what does it mean to you?, and again, draw an arrow and write down why what does it mean to you, and again and again, therefor you generate a series of negatives thoughts that lead you to the final underlying self-defeating beliefs.
For instance, a negative thought:
“I am a total loser”... what does it mean to you?.....“I cannot do anything right”......... what does it mean to you?......“I should always be successful and never fail”;
Or here is a worry:
"they will not like me if I say 'no' to requests”........ what does it mean to you?.....”they will think that I am defiant and argumentative”......... what does it mean to you?.....”they will not like me”........ what does it mean to you??.....”I am worthless and will be miserable if people don't like me”).
Step3. Identify distortions in beliefs
Identify distortions in your beliefs, whether you have any signs of perfectionism, and whether you make your worthwhileness depend on conditions. Signs of perfectionism:
· You think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing (physical perfectionism).
· You think you must never fail and make a mistake and you become self-critical and feel like a failure if you make mistakes (achievement/performance perfectionism).
· You feel stresses and driven by fear of failure rather than by enthusiasm.
· Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you.
· You think you should always feel happy, confident and strong, and you feel ashamed of vulnerable feelings e.g. anxiety, loneliness (emotional perfectionism).
· You think that people who love each other should not argue (relationship perfectionism).
· You feel you must impress others to like you, and you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable (perceived perfectionism).
We may not be able to explicitly express the beliefs behind some of our automatic behaviors. There are 18 hidden expectations or "emotional memories" that guide or behaviour and make our life difficult. Here they are:
18 thinking patterns that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have
Step4. Replace self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs
Replace and transform self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs into helpful positive ones. Rephrase “should” statements by using language that is less emotionally charged, and think in shades of gray rather than black-and-white (e.g. replace „failure is not an option” with “it is good to be successful, but it is also okay to fail sometimes”, or replace „people should be fair and nice” with „people are often fair, but sometimes they are not”).
Step5. Write your personal philosophy
After revising your beliefs, write your personal philosophy. Write down briefly the principles of your life, explain how you are going to live your life and why. Create mottos for every areas of life and include your new rules and beliefs that will drive your behavior
(e.g “ I cultivate compassion toward all sentient beings”, “I live a minimalist life and buy and possess things only that are essential”,“I establish a friendship first with whom I want to date”, “I practice yogic austerities and so I eat only as much as needed to survive”, “I will be vegetarian because a yogi does not kill for food, etc. ).
Here there is an example from Eastern wisdom, the Yoga way of life, which were described in the classical text on Yoga (Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 BCE- 500 CE). It suggests a temperate or even ascetic way of life and a compassionate attitude. Beyond the very basic commandments of non-violence (Sanskrit: ahimsa) and non-stealing (asteya), the yogic principles shepherd us toward truthfulness (satya) including not deceiting ourself.
The yogi strive for purity (saucha), thus cleans the mind of its disturbing emotions like hatred, prejudice, passion, anger, lust, greed, delusion and pride; and cleans the intellect of impure negative thoughts. It brings benevolence and banishes mental pain and despair, and so one will see the vitues in others and not merely their faults.
The yogi makes his life as simple as possible (non-possessiveness, aparigraha) and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything, he does not crave what he does not have; and develop the capacity to remain satisfied with whatever happens to him, he remains tranquil in joy and sorrow, so he is naturally content (santosa).
The yogi exercise austerity (restraint, tapas and brahmacharya) through self-control of body, speech, and mind, such as fasting or reduction of amount of food (sacrifice of food); philanthropic social work (sacrifice of income); silence or reduction in talk (sacrifice of speech); asceticism (sacrifice of comfort); solitude or seclusion; chastity; and renouncing the fruits (e.g. satisfaction, pride) of his actions. The yogi adopt a vegeterian diet since he does not kill for food.
Life philosophy of the Western world (“worthwhileness depends on achievements”) promotes the development of perfectionism and unhealthy self-esteem resulting in heavy load of stress, emotional vulnerability, anxiety and growing cases of depression. If your self-esteem (the capacity to love and respect yourself) has to be earned, thus your worthwhileness depends on conditions such as accomplishments, looks, work achievements, personal relationships etc., you make yourself vulnerable since there will be times when you do not measure up to the criterion you have chosen, and you fail. You will feel ashamed and inferior to others who are more successful and attractive or you will feel worthless if you are rejected or not loved. And so, you will be defensive and sensitive to critics since your self-esteem is on the line, and eventually you will have little capacity to love and respect yourself and other people.
If you have a slight feeling of being not good enough, you need to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy (your approach to living your life).
Having a healthy self-esteem means that you know and feel that you are worthy simply because you are a (living) being, no matter that you are successful or not.
And so, instead of worrying about whether you are worthy and good enough, each day have goals that involve personal growth, being productive, helping others, improving your relationships, having fun, and learn something (e.g. read philosophy books and see how other people, cultures and religions have been thought of the world and life). Give meaning to your days that will grant the meaning of life.
How to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy?
Your attitude= beliefs, feelings and behavior tendencies toward people, groups, ideas and objects determine the way you live your life and define who you are after all.
Beliefs come from real experiences, and then they influence later experiences (“what you believe what you experience”, it works as a self-fulfilling profecy), thus beliefs are may not based on actual reality but rooted in old experiences and carried over to the present (pre-existing beliefs: assumptions and stereotypes). You act based on what you expect after all not what you want.
Strong beliefs become values that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make, other beliefs not so important remain opinions. Values are also influenced by family, culture, religion, education, and social groups.
Step1. Trace beliefs
Write down briefly the principles of your life, and your beliefs about relationships, people, things and life (expectancies and understanding how things are and how things should be). Here there are some guiding questions. Contemplate on each question for 3 days and write down your answers:
How people, the world, and things are?
How people, the world, and things should be?
How should people live their life?
What is your motto? (e.g. ”work hard, play hard”; etc.)
What are the principles of your life (guiding and moral principles that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make)?
What values do you hold dear and strive for? (e.g. non-violence; truthfulness; courage, openness; loyalty; cleanliness; punctuality; objectivity; creativity - thinking outside the box; integrity - do what you say; authenticity - being the real you; etc.).
What personal characteristics do you most want? What qualities do you admire in others?
What is wrong and right?
What is a worthwhile person like? What is a worthless person like?
What is a successful person like?
What do you think about failure?
What makes a good friend?
What is true love like?
What advices do you carry from your parents you agree with?
What advice would you give to an infant to succeed in life?
What do you think and feel about race, gender, religion, culture, clothes, lifestyle, money, relationships, success, illegal drugs, abortion, homosexuality, death penalty, voluntary euthanasia, etc.? (“I believe that....”, “I think that....”, “I doubt that...”, “I am certain that....”)
Step2. Detect self-defeating beliefs
Holding self-defeating beliefs can manifest as negative thinking and judgemental attitude. You may not be aware of your negative thoughts and the underlying beliefs, which unconsciously block the way to success. Here there are three ways to detect negative thoughts.
#1.
Record your self-talk for a while to see whether you have damaging self-critics. Write down your internal dialogs daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).
Here is a post how to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts once and for all: What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts
#2.
You can find out damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and put you down (e.g. you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough, etc.).
#3.
After you list your negative thoughts, pick a negative thought (or worry) to identify underlying beliefs. Write it down the negative thought and draw a vertical arrow and write down what does it mean to you?, and again, draw an arrow and write down why what does it mean to you, and again and again, therefor you generate a series of negatives thoughts that lead you to the final underlying self-defeating beliefs.
For instance, a negative thought:
“I am a total loser”... what does it mean to you?.....“I cannot do anything right”......... what does it mean to you?......“I should always be successful and never fail”;
Or here is a worry:
"they will not like me if I say 'no' to requests”........ what does it mean to you?.....”they will think that I am defiant and argumentative”......... what does it mean to you?.....”they will not like me”........ what does it mean to you??.....”I am worthless and will be miserable if people don't like me”).
Step3. Identify distortions in beliefs
Identify distortions in your beliefs, whether you have any signs of perfectionism, and whether you make your worthwhileness depend on conditions. Signs of perfectionism:
· You think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing (physical perfectionism).
· You think you must never fail and make a mistake and you become self-critical and feel like a failure if you make mistakes (achievement/performance perfectionism).
· You feel stresses and driven by fear of failure rather than by enthusiasm.
· Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you.
· You think you should always feel happy, confident and strong, and you feel ashamed of vulnerable feelings e.g. anxiety, loneliness (emotional perfectionism).
· You think that people who love each other should not argue (relationship perfectionism).
· You feel you must impress others to like you, and you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable (perceived perfectionism).
We may not be able to explicitly express the beliefs behind some of our automatic behaviors. There are 18 hidden expectations or "emotional memories" that guide or behaviour and make our life difficult. Here they are:
18 thinking patterns that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have
Step4. Replace self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs
Replace and transform self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs into helpful positive ones. Rephrase “should” statements by using language that is less emotionally charged, and think in shades of gray rather than black-and-white (e.g. replace „failure is not an option” with “it is good to be successful, but it is also okay to fail sometimes”, or replace „people should be fair and nice” with „people are often fair, but sometimes they are not”).
Step5. Write your personal philosophy
After revising your beliefs, write your personal philosophy. Write down briefly the principles of your life, explain how you are going to live your life and why. Create mottos for every areas of life and include your new rules and beliefs that will drive your behavior
(e.g “ I cultivate compassion toward all sentient beings”, “I live a minimalist life and buy and possess things only that are essential”,“I establish a friendship first with whom I want to date”, “I practice yogic austerities and so I eat only as much as needed to survive”, “I will be vegetarian because a yogi does not kill for food, etc. ).
Here there is an example from Eastern wisdom, the Yoga way of life, which were described in the classical text on Yoga (Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 BCE- 500 CE). It suggests a temperate or even ascetic way of life and a compassionate attitude. Beyond the very basic commandments of non-violence (Sanskrit: ahimsa) and non-stealing (asteya), the yogic principles shepherd us toward truthfulness (satya) including not deceiting ourself.
The yogi strive for purity (saucha), thus cleans the mind of its disturbing emotions like hatred, prejudice, passion, anger, lust, greed, delusion and pride; and cleans the intellect of impure negative thoughts. It brings benevolence and banishes mental pain and despair, and so one will see the vitues in others and not merely their faults.
The yogi makes his life as simple as possible (non-possessiveness, aparigraha) and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything, he does not crave what he does not have; and develop the capacity to remain satisfied with whatever happens to him, he remains tranquil in joy and sorrow, so he is naturally content (santosa).
The yogi exercise austerity (restraint, tapas and brahmacharya) through self-control of body, speech, and mind, such as fasting or reduction of amount of food (sacrifice of food); philanthropic social work (sacrifice of income); silence or reduction in talk (sacrifice of speech); asceticism (sacrifice of comfort); solitude or seclusion; chastity; and renouncing the fruits (e.g. satisfaction, pride) of his actions. The yogi adopt a vegeterian diet since he does not kill for food.
