Attitude toward life is determined mainly by our thoughts. “We are not troubled by things but by the opinion we have of things.” according to ancient Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, a forerunner of modern cognitive psychology. Distorted thinking or irrational thoughts generate anxious feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassement, loneliness, and hoplessness.
Thoughts functions as stimuli for more thoughts, resulting in a stream of thoughts and perceptions. Thoughts (=action of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them. To renew your attitude, you need to explore and carefully examine your negative thoughts and eliminate distortions, and transform the underlying self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs as well and revise your personal philosophy.
Here is a post how to revise beliefs and personal phosophy:
The very life philosophy that promotes low self-esteem: the hidden stumbling-block of succes
How to challenge negative thoughts?
You may carry negative thoughts and negative thinking from childhood and you may not be aware of them and the damage they do in your life. You may just notice a constant discomfort or irritability and you may feel that you just want to hide in a quite place or move to a nice place to be happy (e.g. Hawaii). Even if you would move to a deserted island, your negative thoughts and mind-set follow you. Instead, identify and challenge your negative thoughts and get rid of them right now!
Step 1. Identify negative thoughts and damaging self-critic
Practice #1.
Make notes daily about the topics of your fantasies with a brief description. What are you thinking of throughout the day? What are you daydreaming about? Do you rehearse past awful experiences, failures and hurts, who did you wrong, or future worries, failures and hurts? Do you frequently criticize yourself (self-putdowns, nothing is good enough)? How much time do you spend with worrying (what can go wrong)? What feelings do these fantasies generate inside you (e.g. anger, sadness, etc.)? What thoughts accompany these fantasies?
Practice #2.
Describe an upsetting event (be specific, what happened, when and where, whom you were with, who said what etc.). Also write down how you felt, and rate your negative feelings from 0-100% (e.g. felt hurt 70%, inferior 80%, jealous, angry, rejected, etc). Then write down your negative thoughts and estimate your belief in each one (0-100%).
Practice #3.
Write down your internal dialogs (self-talk) daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).
Practice #4.
You can find damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. “I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …”, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and putting you down (e.g. “you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough,” etc.).
Step 2. Identify distortions in your thoughts
Identify the distortions of each thought and write it down (e.g. “I am a total loser”- labeling, “I will be alone forever”- overgeneralization, “I am a total loser”- all-or-nothing thinking, “I should always be successful and never fail.”- should statements, etc.). Here is some common distortions:
· You see things in black and white, e.g. „I failed, I am a total loser” (all-or-nothing thinking).
· You view a negative event as a general pattern, use words such as always, never, e.g. „I always fail, I never do anything right” (overgeneralization).
· You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives, e.g. „I have so many weaknesses” (mental filter).
· You jump to conclusion without any evidence and assuming that people do not like you, e.g. „they probably think that I am an idiot” (mind reading).
· You predict that things will turn out badly, e.g. „I will not get what I want anyway” (fortune-telling).
· You magnify or minimize the importance of things, e.g. „This proves that I am hopeless after all”,„Everyone/a monkey can do this” (magnify/minimize).
· You reason from how you feel, e.g. “I feel miserable so I must be a looser” (emotional reasoning).
· You label yourself when things are not going well, e.g. „I am an idiot, a born loser” (labeling).
· You criticize yourself and other people with “should” and “must” statements, e.g. „I should always be perfect, „I must never fail”, „People should be fair” (should statements)
· You blame yourself or other people, e.g. “she/he makes me unhappy” (blaming).
Step 3. Challenge and change your negative thoughts
Choose your words wisely. Define exactly what do you really mean by that statement (e.g. “I always screw up” etc.) by rephrasing them and choosing objective words and avoiding emotionally charged words (e.g. “ It would be preferable if I had not made that mistake”, rather than “I should not have made a mistake, how could I be so stupid”).
Examine the evidence whether your thought is true or not. List the evidence that your statement is not true (e.g. “ I accomplished this and that, so I might not be a total loser”, etc). Also, list the evidence that the statement is true, and imagine that your friend says such things to you about him/herself (e.g. “I have screwed up”). What would you tell him? You probably would react compassionately and encourage him/her to work on his/her deficiencies. Thus, avoid double-standard and be compassionate with yourself as well (e.g. “I am always screwing up”, refute with “Everyone makes mistakes, I need to work on my weaknesses.” etc.).
Replace the negative thoughts by true, realistic and affirming positive thoughts that are able to reduce your belief in the negative thoughts (e.g. “I used to be successful, so I can be again even though I am having a setback”, “I have not always been alone, so I can be in a relationship again.”, etc.).
Finally, go back to the negative thoughts and re-estimate your belief in each one. Once you see that your negative thoughts are unrealistic, it become easier to stop them and replace them.
Step 4. Imprint positive thoughts in your mind
To imprint healthy thoughts, you may record your positive thoughts and affirmations and suggestions (expectations) on tape and listen to them daily in a relaxed state (self-hypnosis), or write them down and put it where you always see them. When listening to or repeating your affirmations, suspend doubt and create a feeling of belief.
Important points to consider when you create affirmations:
· Phrase your affirmations in the present tense, “I am, I feel” instead of “I will”;
· Phrase them in the positive way “I am always on time” instead of “I am never late”; and
· Be clear and concise.
For instance, “All is well, I feel content whatever happens to me. I am grateful for my life.
I allow wonderful things to flow into my life. I choose love, fun and freedom.
I become more peaceful and at ease with all that happens in my life.
I am at peace regardless of my surroundings. I trust in the process of life.
I am connected to divine love and wisdom. My life is blossoming in perfection.
I am greatful for all that I am.
I am worthwhile simply because I am a living being.
I am a magnet for financial abundance and wealth. I feel prosperous at all times. Money flows to me easily and abundantly. I give and receive money freely.
Everything I need is coming to me easily and effortlessly. It is okay for me to have everything I want.
I have a perfectly satisfying, well-paying job. I love my work.
I am friendly and gentle to myself and others. Beauty radiates from within me. I spread light and life wherever I go.
When I believe in myself, so do others. I am happy, healthy and wise.”
5. Cultivate positive mind-set
This practice make you see an event from another point of view. The roots of positive thinking is narrated in a buddhist parable, in which Buddha and his disciples were observing a carcase of a dog. The disciples were horrified by death, and wondered that only a dead body remains when life ends. And the Buddha said: ”yes, it is horrible, but what nice white teeth it has.”
Here is how it is done: Notice something good in a negative event or upsetting situation (e.g. you spill your coffee, notice how interesting the shape of the stain; “you loose your job, notice that it is an opportunity to take on a new adventure” etc.).
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