Successful outcome of self-training not only depends on the right approach and exercises but it is also a matter of being aware of the unconscious hindrances on the way, which take you off track and undermines your greatest effort and perseverance toward change.
Obstacle #1: Self-deception
You need to see yourself clearly and identify your challenges in order to change yourself (your destiny). Inaccurate self-assessment due to self-deception is one of the major hindrance.
We protect ourself via unconscious self-defense mechanisms from feeling uncomfortable or anxious (e.g. shame, guilt) when we feel, think or do something that is unacceptable, or when someone points out our imperfections. This way we are able to maintain our positive self-image (“I am a good person”) and eventually we may end up in total irreality.
Self-defense manifests in many forms, and come into play
1. at the level of perception (the unacceptable thing does not even enter consciousness), or
2. at the level of interpretation (reframing its significance),
3. at the level of actions (actively neutrize it).
Thus,
¤ We either refuse to accept reality or fact, acting as if an event, thought or feeling did not exist (denial) e.g. addiction problems.
¤ We misattribute our undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses, e.g. you think a person is jealous of you, when in fact it is you who is jealous (projection).
¤ We justify and explain our behavior or blame external circumstances or people, e.g. "it is because ....", "I hurt you because you were this 'n' that" (rationalization).
¤ We convert unwanted or harmful thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites, e.g. a person who is incapable of expressing anger may instead be overly kind and generous toward the other person (reaction formation).
¤ Replace an unacceptable feeling for an other e.g. anger with sadness, or sadness with anger, etc. (subtitution)
¤ We express our unacceptable feelings in physical symptoms such as pain or illness e.g. chronic back pain, head aches, etc. (conversion).
¤ We cover up incompetence or feelings of inadequacy in one life area through excellence in another area, e.g. striving for power and dominance (compensation).
¤ Avoiding situations or people who point out our mistakes and flaws.
You can usually identify a defensive response by observing your reactions to the behavior of others.
"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
(Herman Hesse)
How to get through these self-defenses and set the wheel of self-transormation in motion?
As a good start, you can practice healthy coping methods such as:
1. Compassionate Acceptance: assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a situation without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Evaluate yourself with
- mercy (compassion, understanding, tolerance),
- respect (show consideration or appreciation for the actual qualities),
- humility (considering our own defects, and have a humble self-opinion, avoiding thinking too highly or too meanly of oneself), and
-humor (being critical of ourself humorously).
2. Courage: willingness to confront fear, pain, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, and express your feelings and needs in an assertive and considerate way.
3. Mindfulness (self-awareness): monitoring our feelings, thoughts, and needs from moment to moment.
Here is the oldest effective meditation technique that can change your life for the better.
5. Gratitude: a feeling of thankfulness or
appreciation of people and events. It brings higher levels of happiness.
Fear of judgements (yours or others) can drive you toward self-deception to ease the inner dissonance (anxiety, shame, guilt) and protect your inner stability. The antidote against judgement is compassionate acceptance. You want to maintain an open mind-set free from any judgement. You are what you are. It does not mean that you accept that you will stay that way, it is just means that you accept reality. Observe yourself as a scientist, thus you describe yourself what you are like free from any judgement, and not what you should be like.
Open mind-set practice
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts. Observe an external object, a phenomenon (e.g. sunset, music, etc.), an event, or a person with pure awareness, that is free from judgement. If observing an object, try to think of how it works and what else it could be used for. If observing a person, observe face, movements, and voice.
When self-training including self-awareness and introspection are running successfully, you need to be prepared to the shocking experience when you become conscious of your actual behavior and your real self and realize that it is different from your ideal self. You discover your awful characteristics (e.g. greedy, ignorant, selfish, envious, boastful, merciless, fearful, or maybe finding out that you are an abuser, or were a victim of abuse). The self-discovery you acquire provides the opportunity to change your negative qualities and modify your behavior in order to attain your “ideal self” (who you would like to be).
Here is a post about how to gain self-awareness for accurate self-assesment:
The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to change your life
Obstacle #2: Change is not possible
When you get to the point to face reality and happen to see your real self in the light beyond delusion, you conclude that change is not possible, “it is your nature”.
For instance, you may discover that you never can be satisfied, and you prefer dwelling on the negative and ignore the positive. Or you create problems when everything is all right and peaceful. Or you have terrible anger outbursts triggered by matterless things. Or you are overly critical, kill your own and everyone's joy, and treat people and yourselves poorly. Or you have childish behavior, you pout if you cannot get your way.
Since most of our stout characteristics developed during childhood, we think that personality is a rigid, unchangeable and permanent structure, and we cannot see how would that be possible to change our very characteristics, so usually we use acceptance as a copout when someone point out our awful characteristics, leaving no room for personal growth. Personality is not fixed but it changes through experiences. Believe that change is possible!
Here is a post to uncover your "shadow", the unconscious:
18 thought patterns that damage romantic relationships and success in life. How many do you have?
Obstacle #3: Fear of change and sabotage
When you make steps to change your unwanted and awful traits or habits, and it is going well, even then you may back out because you see yourself without that particular trait or habit, and you feel that you are about to lose yourself. You may have a feeling of discomfort with the new person or life you are becoming.
For instance, you have selfish behavior or you are a tough guy, and during introspection you discover that this attitude causes you problems (e.g. you do not have as many friends as you want, cause relationship problems), so you train yourself to change the particular characteristic, and then suddenly you get scared because you get used to be that way, that is selfish or tough.
Finally, be aware that people close to you may attempt to sabotage your endeavor to change yourself because changes disrupt the stable sturcture of the relationships (whether it is healthy or unhealthy). Do not get discouraged, be bold.
☆
Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home
3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)
Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness
Here is a post about how to gain self-awareness for accurate self-assesment:
The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to change your life
Obstacle #2: Change is not possible
When you get to the point to face reality and happen to see your real self in the light beyond delusion, you conclude that change is not possible, “it is your nature”.
For instance, you may discover that you never can be satisfied, and you prefer dwelling on the negative and ignore the positive. Or you create problems when everything is all right and peaceful. Or you have terrible anger outbursts triggered by matterless things. Or you are overly critical, kill your own and everyone's joy, and treat people and yourselves poorly. Or you have childish behavior, you pout if you cannot get your way.
Since most of our stout characteristics developed during childhood, we think that personality is a rigid, unchangeable and permanent structure, and we cannot see how would that be possible to change our very characteristics, so usually we use acceptance as a copout when someone point out our awful characteristics, leaving no room for personal growth. Personality is not fixed but it changes through experiences. Believe that change is possible!
Here is a post to uncover your "shadow", the unconscious:
18 thought patterns that damage romantic relationships and success in life. How many do you have?
Obstacle #3: Fear of change and sabotage
When you make steps to change your unwanted and awful traits or habits, and it is going well, even then you may back out because you see yourself without that particular trait or habit, and you feel that you are about to lose yourself. You may have a feeling of discomfort with the new person or life you are becoming.
For instance, you have selfish behavior or you are a tough guy, and during introspection you discover that this attitude causes you problems (e.g. you do not have as many friends as you want, cause relationship problems), so you train yourself to change the particular characteristic, and then suddenly you get scared because you get used to be that way, that is selfish or tough.
Finally, be aware that people close to you may attempt to sabotage your endeavor to change yourself because changes disrupt the stable sturcture of the relationships (whether it is healthy or unhealthy). Do not get discouraged, be bold.
☆
Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home
3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)
Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness
