When friendliness is not an option. What to do with the wicked? Here is the best guide to save your coolness

It is challenging to keep your tranquillity when you meet a difficult person, irrational, childlike, egocentric, totally  inconsiderate person who do not understand "no", shows no signs of empathy, and uses people as a mean to get further in life.

The wisdom comes into play like this: you do not let the poison of anger contaminate your mind and taking away delight from your precious moments. This article is about how you can train your mind to remain cool.

If you mirror the person and get angry yourself, then you have to make effort to suppress your urge to act out your anger. Agrresive behavior, any kind including verbal aggression can get you in danger. Until these people start reading on self-development and emotional intelligence, or start meditation or Western psychotherapy that help them realize their immature, egocentric, narcissistic" character, which is actually very common nowadays, you'd better learn how to develope and maintain an imperturbable inner peace in order to shake off these external negative stimuli.

First, Understand that what people do and say maybe the stimulus but never the cause of our anger. The cause of our anger lies in our thinking. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our needs and expectations in that moment. The interpretations in my own head that produce anger, in thoughts of blame, judgements, labels, and thoughts of what people should do and what they deserve.  Therefore, we need to monitor our mental states.

For example, we realize that we want/expect the other person be different from what they are (e.g. we want them to act like a mature person and so they fit to our needs). We want something that is impossible, and we got frustrated and angry. If we don't want to be unhappy, we need to train ourself not to want impossible things. What to do?  If you can, Remove yourself from the situation. Or focus on problem-solving, what is the real problem and what is the solution for the problem.

Second, Cultivating wisdom, loving-kindness (goodwill) and compassion (that is understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings) is a great way to neutralize your negative emotions and to generate positive feelings.
A Tibetan lama once said that the greatest danger he faced in the face of cruelty was to lose compassion toward the wicked.

You can train your mind to prevent or reduce the development of negative mental states. Here there are the fundamentals how to step on the way of the Tibetan lamas in the stressful Western world and preserve (or gain) tranquillity and joy.

Practice #1. Prevent anger (via monitoring perception, thoughts and likes/dislikes): 

1.1. One easy exercise, to start to develop a mind that is able to prevent the arising of unwholesome mental states, is to getting into the habit of distinguishing observation from evaluation, that is separate what you see, hear, taste, smell, touch (observation) and what you think and feel about it (evaluation).

We usually get angry because we automatically assume that the other person intentionally try to cause harm, thus we "take their behavior personally". The root of many evil is wrong perception.

1.2. Open mind-set exercise (silencing your thoughts, self-talk):
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts.
Observe an external object, a phenomenon, an event, an object (e.g. sunset, music, house, animal, etc.) or a person with pure awareness, that is objective, unbiased, free from judgement, thus silence your thoughts, mental evaluation, make no judgements and assumptions. When you observe an object, try to memorize how it looks. When you observe a person, focus on her movements, face, voice, and make no evaluations.

1.3. In order to monitor all mental states: 
Learn Vipassana meditation ! to see reality clearly. Vipassana meditation is the original meditation method taught by the Buddha to see reality as it is, to see the partiality of our mind, and how it creates our suffering. There are so many meditation technique to create calmness temporarily, but this one makes real changes in one's life. Here is my post on it:

The oldest effective meditation for self-awareness

And here is a video on youtube, in which a Thai theravadin Buddhist monk explains it:  Vipassana meditation

With Self-awareness (real-time monitoring of your mental states, emotions) and Self-regulation, you will also be able to understand the mental states and emotions of others. 

Your tolerance will be increased by learning to see the situation from the other person's viewpoint, putting yourself "in the other person's shoes" and realize their motives and pain.  

When you judge someone you are really saying that “I do not want to understand you”.

Let's go back to the original example in the intro. Try to imagine what happened to these  egocentric, narcissistic people, how they become or remained so unconsiderate. Understand that people may not be aware of their self-centered attitude and narcissistic character, which resembles undecayed childhood egocentric view. 

The egocentric child assumes that other people see, hear, and feel exactly the same as he does (Jean Piaget experiements in 1950s). This egocentric view declines due to cognitive development, confrontation with reality and socialization, so the child gains empathy (they will be able to see a situation from another person's point of view), feel the pain of the other. In the absence of these shaping, the child cannot learn that skill (e.g. if the parents are narcissistic themself or neglect their children, or not assertive and act as servants, etc.). These children later in adulthood  have a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, and continue to crave for constant attention and admiration, because for them love=attention. They may have a grandiose sense of self-importance and superiority, and fantasized of unlimited success, power and beauty, and feel elected to change the world. They express arrogance, disrespect, and get upset when people do not measure up to their expectation, and they have a hard time to accept constructive feedback, and reacted with rage, humiliation or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. Although narcissistic people are surrounded by a mass of people, they find it hard to go beyond superficial relationships, only those can tolerate and stay with them who are willing to serve them. Often they cannot measure up to their own expectations, and they run into failure and often end up in bitterness, anxiety, inactivity and depression. A narcissistic person is like a four year old in an adult body, emotinally immature, and need rather your compassion. But of course, it is understandable if you do not want such a person around you as you do not want a crocodile next to you. 

So understanding is not about making excuses for the other person, it is for being able to protect ourself from poisonous anger and rather feel compassion.

Observe the person like a scientist with open-mind without judgement. Try to sense and feel what is going on in the other person. Observe the gestures, body language, the words the person uses. Listen to the use of words, which tells a lot of secrects about the person since "we do not see things as they are, we see thing as we are".
You can also identify and remove your unconscious stumbling blocks of success:
18 thinking patterns that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have


Practice #2. Regulate negative emotions (via monitoring mental states and emotions, and behavior/self-control)
When you face an inconsiderate, unfriendly or aggressive person, don't just show polite indifference and walk away while you are suffocated with rage and then discharge it on vulnerable people (e.g. assistant, your child, spouse), but pacify and prevent the accumulation of negative feelings and thoughts in your mind.

2.1. Mind/self-contol (if anger appears): 

Recognize and stop the thoughts (judgements etc.) that feeds the anger. 

And focus your attention on your bodily sensations (muscle cramps, breathing, etc.) till the anger fades away.

If you find it hard to stop negativ thoughts, replace them by mantras like: "anger is poison, and holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting the other person to die". 

Remind yourself that you do not let the other person's anger, bitterness, bad day posion you. Ask yourself, do you let another person "hijack" your moments? I keep my peace!

Also, Prevent aggression via self-control: Do not mirror the other person like a dog, barks if the other barks. Stick to your standards (e.g. I'm sophisticated and so I'm not a person who shouts into other person's face).

Again, Vipassana meditation teaches you how to watch your mental states and physical sensations in real-time. Watch and monitor your anger in real-time, you'll see it goes away quickly. Here is a post on it:

The oldest effective meditation for self-awareness

Practice #3. Cultivate compassion (understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings)

When you get into a difficult situation that triggers your anger, retain compassion by understanding that your opponent has been caught up in a toxic state of mind (e.g. stream of anger, ignorance, jealousy, etc.)
If you find yourselves unable to feel compassion, it is usually a sign that you fail to cultivate compassion toward yourself. When we are internally violent toward ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate toward others.

3.1. Compassion and loving-kindness exercise:
Contemplate (visualize) the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering
for yourself first, then
for a loved one,
for an acquaintance,
for a difficult person, and finally
for all sentient beings.
Repeat this utterance: “May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.” Feel the compassion, loving kindness emotionally, not simply repeat phrases cognitively. Notice visceral sensations, especially in the area of the heart. Here is a post on it:
The #1 simplest meditation technique that stimulates your brain and generate well-bein


Practice #4. Identify your needs behind your feelings

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Ask yourself "when i make that judgement of a person, what am i needing and not getting?" 

Or alternatively, listen to people compassionately what they need and not getting. Respond compassionatley and rephrase their feelings so they see you care and understand them (e.g. “I am sorry you have a bad day. I want you to be happy”, etc.)

If you want to express your mind to the other person appropriately: 

An essential book on how to acknowledge our needs and express them is Non-violent communication, the language of life written by Marshall Rosenberg (his master was Carl Rogers, the creator of humanistic approach to psychology). Here is a summary with excerpts: 

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

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When only you cannot see your real self: 3 major obstacles of self-coaching

Successful outcome of self-training not only depends on the right approach and exercises but it is also a matter of being aware of the unconscious hindrances on the way, which take you off track and undermines your greatest effort and perseverance toward change.


Obstacle #1: Self-deception

You need to see yourself clearly and identify your challenges in order to change yourself (your destiny). Inaccurate self-assessment due to self-deception is one of the major hindrance.

We protect ourself via unconscious self-defense mechanisms from feeling uncomfortable or anxious (e.g. shame, guilt) when we feel, think or do something that is unacceptable, or when someone points out our imperfections. This way we are able to maintain our positive self-image (“I am a good person”) and eventually we may end up in total irreality.

Self-defense manifests in many forms, and come into play
1. at the level of perception (the unacceptable thing does not even enter consciousness), or
2. at the level of interpretation (reframing its significance),
3. at the level of actions (actively neutrize it).

Thus,
¤ We either refuse to accept reality or fact, acting as if an event, thought or feeling did not exist (denial) e.g. addiction problems.
¤ We misattribute our undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses, e.g. you think a person is jealous of you, when in fact it is you who is jealous (projection).
¤  We justify and explain our behavior or blame external circumstances or people,  e.g. "it is because ....", "I hurt you because you were this 'n' that" (rationalization).
¤ We convert unwanted or harmful thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites, e.g. a person who is incapable of expressing anger may instead be overly kind and generous toward the other person (reaction formation).
¤ Replace an unacceptable feeling for an other e.g. anger with sadness, or sadness with anger, etc. (subtitution)
¤ We express our unacceptable feelings in physical symptoms such as pain or illness e.g. chronic back pain, head aches, etc. (conversion).
¤ We cover up incompetence or feelings of inadequacy in one life area through excellence in another area, e.g. striving for power and dominance (compensation).
¤ Avoiding situations or people who point out our mistakes and flaws.

You can usually identify a defensive response by observing your reactions to the behavior of others.
 "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
(Herman Hesse)

How to get through these self-defenses and set the wheel of self-transormation in motion?
As a good start, you can practice healthy coping methods such as:
1. Compassionate Acceptance: assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a situation without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Evaluate yourself with
- mercy (compassion, understanding, tolerance),
- respect (show consideration or appreciation for the actual qualities),
- humility (considering our own defects, and have a humble self-opinion, avoiding thinking too highly or too meanly of oneself), and
-humor (being critical of ourself humorously).

2. Courage: willingness to confront fear, pain, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, and express your feelings and needs in an assertive and considerate way.

3. Mindfulness (self-awareness): monitoring our feelings,  thoughts, and needs from moment to moment.

Here is the oldest effective meditation technique that can change your life for the better.

The effective meditation to become a yoga master

4. Sublimation: transforming unhelpful emotions or instincts into healthy actions, behaviours, or emotions, e.g. sport to transform aggression into a game, or practice Tibetan meditations that transmutes the five poisons: anger, greed, lust, jealousy, ignorance into compassion, generosity, vigor, patience, and wisdom.

5. Gratitude: a feeling of thankfulness or
appreciation of people and events. It brings higher levels of happiness.

Fear of judgements (yours or others) can drive you toward self-deception to ease the inner dissonance (anxiety, shame, guilt) and protect your inner stability. The antidote against judgement is compassionate acceptance. You want to maintain an open mind-set free from any judgement. You are what you are. It does not mean that you accept that you will stay that way, it is just means that you accept reality. Observe yourself as a scientist, thus you describe yourself what you are like free from any judgement, and not what you should be like.

Open mind-set practice
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts. Observe an external object, a phenomenon (e.g. sunset, music, etc.), an event, or a person with pure awareness, that is free from judgement.  If observing an object, try to think of how it works and what else it could be used for. If observing a person, observe face, movements, and voice.

When self-training including self-awareness and introspection are running successfully, you need to be prepared to the shocking experience when you become conscious of your actual behavior and your real self and realize that it is different from your ideal self. You discover your awful characteristics (e.g. greedy, ignorant, selfish, envious, boastful, merciless, fearful, or maybe finding out that you are an abuser, or were a victim of abuse). The self-discovery you acquire provides the opportunity to change your negative qualities and modify your behavior in order to attain your “ideal  self” (who you would like to be).

Here is a post about how to gain self-awareness for accurate self-assesment:
The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to change your life


Obstacle #2: Change is not possible

When you get to the point to face reality and happen to see your real self in the light beyond delusion, you conclude that change is not possible, “it is your nature”.
For instance, you may discover that you  never can be satisfied, and you prefer dwelling on the negative and ignore the positive. Or you create problems when everything is all right and peaceful. Or you have terrible anger outbursts triggered by matterless things. Or you are overly critical, kill your own and everyone's joy, and treat people and yourselves poorly. Or you have childish behavior, you pout if you cannot get your way.

 Since most of our stout characteristics developed during childhood, we think that personality is a rigid, unchangeable and permanent structure, and we cannot see how would that be possible to change our very characteristics, so usually we use acceptance as a copout when someone point out our awful characteristics, leaving no room for personal growth. Personality is not fixed but it changes through experiences. Believe that change is possible!

Here is a post to uncover your "shadow", the unconscious:
18 thought patterns that damage romantic relationships and success in life. How many do you have?

Obstacle #3: Fear of change and sabotage

When you make steps to change your unwanted and awful traits or habits, and it is going well, even then you may back out because you see yourself without that particular trait or habit, and you feel that you are about to lose yourself. You may have a feeling of discomfort with the new person or life you are becoming.
For instance, you have selfish behavior or you are a tough guy, and during introspection you discover that this attitude causes you problems (e.g. you do not have as many friends as you want, cause relationship problems), so you train yourself to change the particular characteristic, and then suddenly you get scared because you get used to be that way, that is selfish or tough.

Finally, be aware that people close to you may attempt to sabotage your endeavor to change yourself because changes disrupt the stable sturcture of the relationships (whether it is healthy or unhealthy). Do not get discouraged, be bold.
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Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home

3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to liberate yourself

Retrospection, during which you look back upon the day before going to sleep and dwell on and evaluate significant events or situations, your actions, achievements and mistakes, thoughts and emotions, is probably a familiar technique to you already.

However, the human mind is not perfect, make false perceptions and biased evaluations, fabricate and distort memory. In order to attenuate or overcome these hindrances and be able to make accurate self-assessment during introspection, the number one skill you need is Self-awareness.

 Here there are two practices in order to improve attention (focus), perceptibility, and memory.

Practice#1
Buddhist Vipassana meditation and mindfulness

Vipassana meditation (“to come and see”) is the most commonly known practice of Theravada Buddhism (prevails in southern regions of Asia including Sri Lanka, Burma and Thailand), in which the practitioners watch their breathing with awareness and observe the self in the moment ("mind watching"). The practice stills the mind, build your mental focus and awareness.

Here is a short description of the Vipassana method: 

Sit in a comfortable position and keep the back upright and balanced. Alternatively, you can lie down on your back.
1. Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply, and focus your attention on the movement of your breath from moment to moment, and withdraw your focus from other objects.
2. When awareness wanders away from your breathing, sensations will appear (thoughts, feelings, emotions, memory, sounds, smell). Just recognize that the mind has wandered, as well as the content without judgment or without reacting, involving in them. Label each sensation with a general mental note such as “thinking”, “hearing”, “feeling”, “memory”, “smelling“, and
3. redirect the attention to the breath if nothing in particular to be noted.
 The goal of this witnessing practice is to be attentively present. By practice, random thoughts and sensations will fall away, and you remain in the present moment more and more.

 Mindfulness is a modern adaptation and can be practiced throughout the day during daily activities (e.g. while speaking pay attention how you speak the words; while walking be aware of your body movements etc.). This practice gives you the real perspective on yourself, you will notice your negative mental states (e.g. angry, greedy, ignorant, selfish, envy, boastful, irritated). Accept the state, examine the feeling and let them fade away. This awareness also make you able to notice your negative qualities, which provide you the opportunity to modify your thoughts and behaviour and to liberate yourself.

Here is a detailed step-by-step guide:

The oldest effective meditation for self-awareness

Practice#2
Observation exercises

These preparatory 1-2 minute long simple exercises train memory and awareness of the external world and the self with the final goal to improve self-awareness and self-control. Practice one exercise once a day for 3 days, then move to the next one, then start the cycle again. By time, you will notice that your observations become more accurate. (suggested readings: Book of inner paths by Peter Popper)

Observation exercise #1-4. 
Spontaneous observation of objects and people
#1. Without deliberate prior observation, try to visualize a simple object from your environment (e.g. cup, plant, etc.), then turn back and correct the differences in your internal image. Notice whether in your image you saw cloudy, blurry parts, or you completed the missing parts with false image.

Observation exercise #2. Observe a groups of objects (e.g. items on your table)

Observation exercise #3. Observe complex object (e.g. forefront of a house, details of a street, etc.)

Observation exercise #4. Observe a person's appearance (e.g. clothing, accessories, color of hair and eyes).

Observation exercise #5-8. 
Deliberate observation of objects and people
#5. In the morning on your way, stop for a minute to observe an object in your environment (e.g. a tree, a statue, etc.), then before going to sleep, try to recall the image of the object. Next day stop by again and check and correct the image inside. Notice whether in your image you saw cloudy, blurry parts, or you completed the missing parts with false image.

Observation exercise #6. Observe someone's face in detail you meet every day (e.g. color of the eyes, shape of the eyebrows, nose, mouth, chin, etc.), then before going to sleep, try to recall the face, and also try to find out the message the person's facial expressions send.

Observation exercise #7. Observe someone's physical appearance (arms, chest, legs, etc.) and gestures and body language and try to sense the message that body send.

Observation exercise #8. Observe someone's voice (e.g. tone, volume, pace).

 Observation exercise # 9-12. Introspection exercises
#9. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your facial expressions. Try to reproduce it and look in the mirror what message your facial expressions send? Is that what you wanted to send? Notice if your non-verbal communication send a different message.

Observation exercise #10. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your voice (tone, volume, pace, etc.) and try to sense what message your voice was sending.

Observation exercise #11. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your behavior, gestures, and body language. What message was your body sending?

Observation exercise #12. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your entire non-verbal communication including your body language, voice and facial expressions and and try to sense what message you were sending. Is that what you wanted to send?


When you are ready to assess yourself objectively, free of judgement, then describe yourself in terms of behavior, feelings, thoughts, skills, and unconscious drives. Here there are some post how to start:

18 thinking pattern that damage romantic relationships and success in life

 When only you cannot see your real self: 3 major obstacles of self-coaching

 How to get rid of disliked traits: the science of conditioning

 What you think you will become? Be sure you don't have these distortions in your thoughts

 The very life phylosophy that promotes low self-esteem. The hidden stumbling-blocks of success

How to start yoga posture training at home

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

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The very life philosophy that promotes low self-esteem: the hidden stumbling-block of success.

When do you feel worthless? (Make a list)

Do you think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing? 

Do you  think you must never fail? 

Do you think you should always feel happy, confident and strong? 

Do you feel you must impress others to like you? 

Do you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable?

Life philosophy of the Western world (“worthwhileness depends on achievements”) promotes the development of perfectionism and unhealthy self-esteem resulting in heavy load of stress, emotional vulnerability, anxiety and growing cases of depression. If your self-esteem (the capacity to love and respect yourself) has to be earned, thus your worthwhileness depends on conditions such as accomplishments, looks, work achievements, personal relationships etc., you make yourself vulnerable since there will be times when you do not measure up to the criterion you have chosen, and you fail. You will feel ashamed and inferior to others who are more successful and attractive or you will feel worthless if you are rejected or not loved. And so, you will be defensive and sensitive to critics since your self-esteem is on the line, and eventually you will have little capacity to love and respect yourself and other people.
If you have a slight feeling of being not good enough, you need to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy (your approach to living your life).

 Having a healthy self-esteem means that you know and feel that you are worthy simply because you are a (living) being, no matter that you are successful or not.
And so, instead of worrying about whether you are worthy and good enough, each day have goals that involve personal growth, being productive, helping others, improving your relationships, having fun, and learn something (e.g. read philosophy books and see how other people, cultures and religions have been thought of the world and life). Give meaning to your days that will grant the meaning of life.


How to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy?

Your attitude= beliefs, feelings and behavior tendencies toward people, groups, ideas and objects determine the way you live your life and define who you are after all.
Beliefs come from real experiences, and then they influence later experiences (“what you believe what you experience”, it works as a self-fulfilling profecy), thus beliefs are may not based on actual reality but rooted in old experiences and carried over to the present (pre-existing beliefs: assumptions and stereotypes). You act based on what you expect after all not what you want.
Strong beliefs become values that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make, other beliefs not so important remain opinions. Values are also influenced by family, culture, religion, education, and social groups.

Step1. Trace beliefs

Write down briefly the principles of your life, and your beliefs about relationships, people, things and life (expectancies and understanding how things are and how things should be). Here there are some guiding questions. Contemplate on each question for 3 days and write down your answers:

How people, the world, and things are?
How people, the world, and things should be?

How should people live their life?

What is your motto? (e.g. ”work hard, play hard”; etc.)

What are the principles of your life (guiding and moral principles that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make)?

What values do you hold dear and strive for? (e.g. non-violence; truthfulness; courage, openness; loyalty; cleanliness; punctuality; objectivity; creativity - thinking outside the box; integrity - do what you say; authenticity - being the real you;  etc.).

What personal characteristics do you most want? What qualities do you admire in others?

What is wrong and right?

What is a worthwhile person like? What is a worthless person like?

What is a successful person like?

What do you think about failure?

What makes a good friend?

What is true love like?

What advices do you carry from your parents you agree with?

What advice would you give to an infant to succeed in life?

What do you think and feel about race, gender, religion, culture, clothes, lifestyle, money, relationships, success, illegal drugs, abortion, homosexuality, death penalty, voluntary euthanasia, etc.? (“I believe that....”, “I think that....”, “I doubt that...”, “I am certain that....”)


Step2. Detect self-defeating beliefs

Holding self-defeating beliefs can manifest as negative thinking and judgemental attitude. You may not be aware of your negative thoughts and the underlying beliefs, which unconsciously block the way to success. Here there are three ways to detect negative thoughts.

#1.
 Record your self-talk for a while to see whether you have damaging self-critics. Write down your internal dialogs daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).

Here is a post how to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts once and for all: What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts

#2.
 You can find out damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of  things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and put you down (e.g. you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough, etc.).

#3.
 After you list your negative thoughts, pick a negative thought (or worry) to identify underlying beliefs. Write it down the negative thought and draw a vertical arrow and write down what does it mean to you?, and again, draw an arrow and write down why what does it mean to you, and again and again, therefor you generate a series of negatives thoughts that lead you to the final underlying self-defeating beliefs.

For instance, a negative thought:
“I am a total loser”... what does it mean to you?.....“I cannot do anything right”......... what does it mean to you?......“I should always be successful and never fail”;
Or here is a worry:
"they will not like me if I say 'no' to requests”........ what does it mean to you?.....”they will think that I am defiant and argumentative”......... what does it mean to you?.....”they will not like me”........ what does it mean to you??.....”I am worthless and will be miserable if people don't like me”).


Step3. Identify distortions in beliefs

Identify distortions in your beliefs, whether you have any signs of perfectionism, and  whether you make your worthwhileness depend on conditions.  Signs of perfectionism:

· You think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing (physical perfectionism).

· You  think you must never fail and make a mistake and you become self-critical and feel like a failure if you make mistakes (achievement/performance perfectionism).

· You feel stresses and driven by fear of failure rather than by enthusiasm.

· Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you.

· You think you should always feel happy, confident and strong, and you feel ashamed of vulnerable feelings e.g. anxiety, loneliness (emotional perfectionism).

· You think that people who love each other should not argue (relationship perfectionism).

· You feel you must impress others to like you, and you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable (perceived perfectionism).

We may not be able to explicitly express the beliefs behind some of our automatic behaviors. There are 18 hidden expectations or "emotional memories" that guide or behaviour and make our life difficult. Here they are:

18 thinking patterns  that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have

Step4. Replace self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs

Replace and transform self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs into helpful positive ones. Rephrase “should” statements by using language that is less emotionally charged, and think in shades of gray rather than black-and-white (e.g. replace „failure is not an option” with “it is good to be successful, but it is also okay to fail sometimes”, or replace „people should be fair and nice” with „people are often fair, but sometimes they are not”).


Step5. Write your personal philosophy

After revising your beliefs, write your personal philosophy. Write down briefly the principles of your life, explain how you are going to live your life and why. Create mottos for every areas of life and include your new rules and beliefs that will drive your behavior
(e.g “ I cultivate compassion toward all sentient beings”, “I live  a minimalist life and buy and possess things only that are essential”,“I establish a friendship first with whom I want to date”, “I practice yogic austerities and so I eat only as much as needed to survive”, “I will be vegetarian because a yogi does not kill for food, etc. ).

 Here there is an example from Eastern wisdom, the Yoga way of life, which were described in the classical text on Yoga (Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 BCE- 500 CE). It suggests a temperate or even ascetic way of life and a compassionate attitude. Beyond the very basic commandments of non-violence (Sanskrit: ahimsa) and non-stealing (asteya), the yogic principles shepherd us toward truthfulness (satya) including not deceiting ourself.
 The yogi strive for purity (saucha), thus cleans the mind of its disturbing emotions like hatred, prejudice, passion, anger, lust, greed, delusion and pride; and cleans the intellect of impure negative thoughts. It brings benevolence and banishes mental pain and despair, and so one will see the vitues in others and not merely their faults.
 The yogi makes his life as simple as possible (non-possessiveness, aparigraha) and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything, he does not crave what he does not have; and develop the capacity to remain satisfied with whatever happens to him, he remains tranquil in joy and sorrow, so he is naturally content (santosa).
The yogi exercise austerity (restraint, tapas and brahmacharya) through self-control of body, speech, and mind, such as fasting or reduction of amount of food (sacrifice of food); philanthropic social work (sacrifice of income); silence or reduction in talk (sacrifice of speech); asceticism (sacrifice of comfort); solitude or seclusion; chastity; and renouncing the fruits (e.g. satisfaction, pride) of his actions. The yogi adopt a vegeterian diet since he does not kill for food.

☆


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What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts!

Attitude toward life is determined mainly by our thoughts. “We are not troubled by things but by the opinion we have of things.” according to ancient Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, a forerunner of modern cognitive psychology. Distorted thinking or irrational thoughts generate anxious feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassement, loneliness, and hoplessness.

Thoughts functions as stimuli for more thoughts, resulting in a stream of thoughts and perceptions. Thoughts (=action of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them. To renew your attitude, you need to explore and carefully examine your  negative thoughts and eliminate distortions, and transform the underlying self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs as well and revise your personal philosophy.

Here is a post how to revise beliefs and personal phosophy:
The very life philosophy that promotes low self-esteem: the hidden stumbling-block of succes


How to challenge negative thoughts?

You may carry negative thoughts and negative thinking from childhood and you may not be aware of them and the damage they do in your life. You may just notice a constant discomfort or irritability and you may feel that you just want to hide in a quite place or move to a nice place to be happy (e.g. Hawaii). Even if you would move to a deserted island, your negative thoughts and mind-set follow you. Instead, identify and challenge your negative thoughts and get rid of them right now!

Step 1. Identify negative thoughts and damaging self-critic

 Practice #1.
Make notes daily about the topics of your fantasies with a brief description. What are you thinking of throughout the day? What are you daydreaming about? Do you rehearse past awful experiences, failures and hurts, who did you wrong, or future worries, failures and hurts? Do you frequently criticize yourself (self-putdowns, nothing is good enough)? How much time do you spend with worrying (what can go wrong)? What feelings do these fantasies generate inside you (e.g. anger, sadness, etc.)? What thoughts accompany these fantasies?

 Practice #2.
Describe an upsetting event (be specific, what happened, when and where, whom you were with, who said what etc.). Also write down how you felt, and rate your negative feelings from 0-100% (e.g. felt hurt 70%, inferior 80%, jealous, angry, rejected, etc). Then write down your negative thoughts and estimate your belief in each one (0-100%).

 Practice #3.
Write down your internal dialogs (self-talk) daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).

 Practice #4.
You can find damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of  things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. “I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …”, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and putting you down (e.g. “you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough,” etc.).


Step 2. Identify distortions in your thoughts

Identify the distortions of each thought and write it down (e.g. “I am a total loser”- labeling, “I will be alone forever”- overgeneralization, “I am a total loser”- all-or-nothing thinking, “I should always be successful and never fail.”- should statements, etc.). Here is some common distortions:

· You see things in black and white, e.g. „I failed, I am a total loser” (all-or-nothing thinking).

· You view a negative event as a general pattern, use words such as always, never, e.g. „I always fail, I never do anything right” (overgeneralization).

· You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives, e.g. „I have so many weaknesses” (mental filter).

· You jump to conclusion without any evidence and assuming that people do not like you,  e.g. „they probably think that I am an idiot” (mind reading).

· You predict that things will turn out badly, e.g. „I will not get what I want anyway” (fortune-telling).

· You magnify or minimize the importance of things, e.g. „This proves that I am hopeless after all”,„Everyone/a monkey can do this” (magnify/minimize).

· You reason from how you feel, e.g. “I feel miserable so I must be a looser” (emotional reasoning).

· You label yourself when things are not going well, e.g. „I am an idiot, a born loser” (labeling).

· You criticize yourself and other people with “should” and “must” statements, e.g. „I should always be perfect, „I must never fail”, „People should be fair” (should statements)

· You blame yourself or other people,  e.g. “she/he makes me unhappy” (blaming).


Step 3. Challenge and change your negative thoughts

 Choose your words wisely. Define exactly what do you really mean by that statement (e.g. “I always screw up” etc.) by rephrasing them and choosing objective words and avoiding emotionally charged words (e.g. “ It would be preferable if I had not made that mistake”, rather than “I should not have made a mistake, how could I be so stupid”).

 Examine the evidence whether your thought is true or not. List the evidence that your statement is not true (e.g. “ I accomplished this and that, so I might not be a total loser”, etc). Also, list the evidence that the statement is true, and imagine that your friend says such things to you about him/herself (e.g. “I have screwed up”). What would you tell him? You probably would react compassionately and encourage him/her to work on his/her deficiencies. Thus, avoid double-standard and be compassionate with yourself as well (e.g. “I am always screwing up”, refute with “Everyone makes mistakes, I need to work on my weaknesses.” etc.).

 Replace the negative thoughts by true, realistic and affirming positive thoughts that are able to reduce your belief in the negative thoughts (e.g. “I used to be successful, so I can be again even though I am having a setback”, “I have not always been alone, so I can be in a relationship again.”, etc.).

 Finally, go back to the negative thoughts and re-estimate your belief in each one. Once you see that your negative thoughts are unrealistic, it become easier to stop them and replace them.

Step 4. Imprint positive thoughts in your mind

To imprint healthy thoughts, you may record your positive thoughts and affirmations and suggestions (expectations) on tape and listen to them daily in a relaxed state (self-hypnosis), or write them down and put it where you always see them. When listening to or repeating your affirmations, suspend doubt and create a feeling of belief.

 Important points to consider when you create affirmations:

· Phrase your affirmations in the present tense, “I am, I feel” instead of “I will”;

· Phrase them in the positive way “I am always on time” instead of “I am never late”; and

· Be clear and concise.


For instance, “All is well, I feel content whatever happens to me. I am grateful for my life.
I allow wonderful things to flow into my life. I choose love, fun and freedom.
I become more peaceful and at ease with all that happens in my life.
I am at peace regardless of my surroundings. I trust in the process of life.
I am connected to divine love and wisdom. My life is blossoming in perfection.
I am greatful for all that I am.
I am worthwhile simply because I am a living being.
I am a magnet for financial abundance and wealth. I feel prosperous at all times. Money flows to me easily and abundantly. I give and receive money freely.
Everything I need is coming to me easily and effortlessly. It is okay for me to have everything I want.
I have a perfectly satisfying, well-paying job. I love my work.
I am friendly and gentle to myself and others. Beauty radiates from within me. I spread light and life wherever I go.
When I believe in myself, so do others. I am happy, healthy and wise.”


5. Cultivate positive mind-set

This practice make you see an event from another point of view. The roots of positive thinking is narrated in a buddhist parable, in which Buddha and his disciples were observing a carcase of a dog. The disciples were horrified by death, and wondered that only a dead body remains when life ends. And the Buddha said: ”yes, it is horrible, but what nice white teeth it has.”

 Here is how it is done: Notice something good in a negative event or upsetting situation (e.g. you spill your coffee, notice how interesting the shape of the stain; “you loose your job, notice that it is an opportunity to take on a new adventure” etc.).

*****

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18 thought pattern that damage romantic relationships and success in life. How many do you have?

Certain situations in life trigger strong negative emotions that dominate our current mood and behavior. You may think that these reactions (comprising of emotions, thoughts/beliefs and physical sensations) are rooted in your core personality, it is You.  You accept them as absolute truths.

A great psychologist, Jeffrey Young (his master was Aaron Beck, the creator of cognitive therapy) identified 18 dysfunctional themes regarding oneself and one's relationship with others that develop in childhood and adolescence from an interplay between the child's innate temperament, and the ongoing experiences with parents, siblings, or peers. Schemas begin early in life, become familiar, pervasive and rigid, that is why it feels like a part of you by the time you're an adult.
[Books by Jeffrey Young: Reinventing your life; Schema therapy]

These maladaptive schemas ("emotional memories") remain dormant until one or more are activated by life events and relevant situations. When activated, they induce strong emotions and predominate our current mood and behavior (e.g. the mildest form is a normal mood shift, such as a lonely mood or an angry mood). 

In order to cope with the accompanied strong feelings, you unconsciously employ coping responses learnt in childhood that were adaptive once, but became maladaptive in adulthood. 
For instance, you never say “no” because you feel that you have no choice but to give in to other people's wishes, or else they will retaliate or reject you in some way (you act out of fear, guilt or shame); OR You avoid intimate relationships because you are afraid that they will leave; OR You feel there is constant pressure for you to achieve and you do not let yourself have fun and enjoy life, etc.

Your coping responses vary in order to deal with the strong emotions: it might be surrender (giving in to the schemas), overcompensation (doing the opposite of what our schemas makes you feel) or avoidance (finding ways to escape or block out your schemas).

The good news is that you can weaken and eliminate these schemas and self-defeating behavioral responses. The first step is to bring them into awareness and do not accept them as absolute truths !!!

Here the 18 schemas:

Have you ever noticed that:

1. You are afraid that people you feel close to, they will leave you; and you get desperate when they are pulling away (abandonment/instability schema). Your coping response, for example:

• you cling to the partner to a point of pushing partner away, and you vehemently attack partner for even minor separations (overcompensation coping response); or
• you select partners who cannot make a commitment (e.g. married, addict), and you remain in the relationship (surrender coping response); or
• you avoid intimate relationships (avoidance coping response).

2. You feel that you cannot let your guard down in the presence of other people, or else they will intentionally hurt, betray, or take advantage of you (mistrust/abuse schema). Your coping response:

• you select abusive partners and permit abuse (surrender); or
• you avoid becoming vulnerable and trusting anyone, and keep secrets (avoidance); or
• you use and abuse others "get others before they get you" (overcompensation).

3. You feel that you haven't had someone to nurture you, really listens to you and understands you, give you warmth, holding, and affection, or care deeply about you (emotional deprivation schema). Your coping response:

• you select emotionally depriving partners and does not ask them to meet needs (surrender); or
• you avoid intimate relationships altogether (avoidance); or
• you act emotionally demanding with partners and close friends (overcompensation).

4. You feel that you are not lovable, or unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others, and no man/woman you desire could love you once he/she knew the real you and saw your defects (defectiveness/shame schema). Your coping response:

• you select critical and rejecting friends, or you put yourself down (surrender); or
• you avoid expressing true thoughts and feelings and letting others get close (avoidance); or
• you criticize and reject others while seeming to be perfect, "I am superior" arrogant attitude (overcompensation).

  

5. You feel that you are fundamentally different from other people, and you don't fit in, you are a loner or outsider (social isolation/alienation schema). Your coping response:

• at social gatherings you focus exclusively on differences from others rather than similarities (surrender); or
• you avoid social situations and groups (avoidance); or
• you become a chameleon to fit into groups (overcompensation).

                      

6. You do not feel confident and capable of getting by on your own in everyday life, you feel dependent. (dependence/incompetence schema). Your coping response:

• you ask significant others, partners, spouse to make all your financial decisions (surrender); or
• you avoid taking on new challenges, e.g. learning to drive (avoidance); or
• you become so self-reliant that you do not ask anyone for anything, "counterdependent" (overcompensation).

  

7. You feel that something bad is about to happen at any moment, a disaster (natural, criminal, financial, or medical), and you can't be too careful (vulnerability to harm or illness schema). Your coping response:

• you obsessively read about catastrophes in newspapers and anticipates them in everyday situation (surrender); or
• you avoid going places that do not seem totally safe (avoidance); or
• you act recklessly without regard to danger, "counterphobic" (overcompensation).

  

8. You have not been able to separate yourself from your parents, you tend to be over involved in each other's lives and problems, and you don't have a life of your own. Enmeshment/undeveloped self schema). Your coping response:

• you tell mother everything even as an adult, and lives through partner (surrender); or
• you avoid intimacy, stays independent (avoidance); or
• you try to become the opposite of significant others in all ways (overcompensation).

  

9. You feel that you are incompetent when it comes to achievement, most other people are more capable, talented and intelligent (failure schema). Your coping response:

• you do tasks in a halfhearted or haphazard manner (surrender); or
• you avoid work or other challenges completely, and procrastinates on tasks (avoidance); or
• you become "overachiever" by ceaselessly driving yourself (overcompensation).

  

10. You think you are special and shouldn't have to accept many of the restrictions placed on other people, and you have trouble accepting "no" for an answer when you want something from other people, or you become easily frustrated and give up (entitlement/grandiosity schema). Your coping response:

• you bully others into getting your own way, and brag about your accomplishments (surrender); or
• you avoid situations in which you are average, not superior (avoidance); or
• you attend excessively to the needs of others (overcompensation).

  

11. You have trouble to do things you don't enjoy or complete routine or boring tasks, and you hate to be constrained or kept from doing what you want (insufficient self-control/self-discipline schema). Your coping response:

• you give up easily on routine tasks (surrender); or
• you avoid employment or accepting responsibility  (avoidance); or
• you become overly self-controlled or self-disciplined (overcompensation).

  

12. You feel that you have no choice but to give in to other people's wishes, or else they will retaliate or reject you in some way (subjugation schema). Your coping response:

• you let others individuals control situations and make choices (surrender); or
• you avoid situations that might involve conflict with another individual (avoidance); or
• you rebel against authority (overcompensation).

  

13. You feel that you sacrifice yourself and do too much for others and not enough for yourself, and you have little time for yourself (self-sacrifice schema). Your coping response:

• you give a lot to others and ask for nothing in return (surrender); or
• you avoid situations involving giving or taking (avoidance); or  
• you give as little to others as possible (overcompensation).

  

14. You feel worthwhile only if you receive a lot of praise, compliments and attention, recognition and admiration from others, and having money, accomplishments or knowing important people give your value (approval-seeking/recognition-seeking schema). Your coping response:

• you act to impress others (surrender); or
• you avoid interacting with those whose approval is coveted (avoidance); or
• you go out of the way to provoke the disapproval of others, and stays in the background (overcompensation).

  

15. You worry that something bad is likely to happen, a wrong decision could lead to a disaster and you lose everything, all your money and become very poor (negativity/pessimism schema). Your coping response:

• you focus on the negative, ignore the positive, worry constantly, go to great lengths to avoid any possible negative outcome (surrender); or
• you drink to blot out pessimistic feelings and unhappiness (avoidance); or
• you are overly optimistic, and deny unpleasant realities (overcompensation).

  

16. You find it hard to be free-spirited and spontaneous, or you feel embarrassing to express your feelings to others (e.g. anger, vulnerability, affection), you may seem unemotional (emotional inhibition schema). Your coping response:

• you maintain a calm, emotionally flat demeanor (surrender); or 
• you avoid situation in which people discuss or express feelings  (avoidance); or 
• you awkwardly try to be the life of the party, even though it feels forced and unnatural (overcompensation).

  

17. You feel there is constant pressure for you to achieve and get things done, you must meet all your responsibilities, and you must be the best at most of what you do (unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness/"perfectionism" schema). Your coping response:

• you spend inordinate amounts of time trying to be perfect (surrender); or
• you avoid or procrastinate in situations and tasks in which performance will be judged (avoidance); or
• you do not care about standards at all, and do tasks in a hasty, careless manner (overcompensation).

  

18. You feel that if you make a mistake, you should suffer the consequences and deserve to be punished, "you deserve it" mentality (punitiveness schema). Your coping response:

• you treat self and others in harsh, punitive manner (surrender); or
• you avoid others for fear of punishment (avoidance); or
• you behave in overly forgiving way (overcompensation).

What is a family like where dysfunctional schemas develop?

#1-5 schemas belong to the Disconnection & Rejection schema domain: general expectation that your basic needs will be met by others in an unpredictable or inconsistent way. People having these schemas come from families perceived as instable or detached (abandonment schema), abusive (mistrust schema), cold (emotional deprivation schema) rejecting (defectiveness),  isolated (alienation).

Note that the pattern of infant-mother attachment shapes the individual's expectations in later relationships (see below Attachment style in romantic relationships). Early patterns of attachment (mother-infant) is a result of a combination of the child’s innate temperament and their parent’s sensitivity towards their needs. Mothers who respond to the child’s needs incorrectly or who are impatient or ignore the child, are likely to have insecurely attached children. 
Secure attachment: when children feel they can rely on their caregivers to attend to their needs of proximity, emotional support and protection. Securely attached children develop a positive working model of themselves and have mental representations of others as being helpful while viewing themselves as worthy of respect.
Insecure-avoidant children are very independent of the attachment figure/caregiver both physically and emotionally. They think themselves unworthy and unacceptable, caused by unresponsive, rejecting primary caregiver.
Insecure-ambivalent-resistant children exhibit clingy and dependent behavior, but is rejecting of the attachment figure when they engage in interaction. They exhibit difficulty moving away from the attachment figure to explore novel surroundings, and when distressed they are difficult to soothe. They have a negative self-image and exaggerate their emotional responses as a way to gain attention. This style is the result of an inconsistent level of response from the primary caregiver, sometimes the child’s needs are met, and sometimes they are ignored by the caregiver.

#6-9 schemas belong to the Impaired Autonomy & Performance schema domain:  doubt in your ability to survive and function on your own, or demonstrate success. People with these feelings were overprotected and their ability as a child to show independent competence were not reinforced (e.g. doing things for the kid rather than teaching him how to do things for himself).

#10-11 schemas belong to the Impaired Limits schema domain: general lack of respect to others, difficulty cooperating with others, and inability to tolerate normal levels of discomfort. People with these schemas come from families with overly permissive parenting style, overindulgence, lack of guidance/direction, or a sense of superiority.

#12-14 schemas belong to the Other-Directedness schema domain: excessive focus on the wants, needs, desires, and reactions of others; sacrifices tend to be made in hopes of gaining love and approval or maintaining relational ties to others. People with these schemas come from families who show conditional acceptance. Many parents within these families tend to place their own emotional needs, desires or social status/acceptance above the needs of their children.

#15-18 schemas belong to the Overvigilance & Inhibition schema domain: suppressing spontaneous emotions, impulses or focusing on a deep desire to adhere to rigid rules and expectations regarding ethical behavior and performance. The basic cost is authentic happiness, inner peace, and meaningful relationships. These schemas may develop within families who are demanding, perhaps punitive, hide/avoid emotions, require perfection and high achievement, and place emphasis on avoiding mistakes over happiness and relaxation.

   ♡♡♡

Attachment style in romantic relationships

👎People with anxious attachment style are continuously preoccupied with fear of abandonment and rejection, and they think the other person does not love them as much as they do. 

👎  People with avoidant attachment style do not desire close relationships, they prefer being alone, and they do not share much about themself in a relationship.

👎  People with mixed (anxious-avoidant) style, they would like to have an intimate, loving relationship but they are afraid, and avoid emotional closeness and do not share too much about themself.

💖    Healthy attachment style:  You are capable of establishing honest, close relationship with your life partner and have intimate communication and self- disclosure.

The triangular theory of love (Robert Sternberg) describes the components of consummate love: 
intimacy (=feelings of closeness and attachement, or familiarity), 
passion (=physical arousal or feeling of enthusiasm) and
commitment (=conscious decision to be loyal).
 For instance, romantic love contains passion and intimacy but no commitment; and if there is only passion without commitment and intimacy, that is infatuation.

                                 ♡♡♡

How to weaken or get rid of maladaptive schemas?

Step1. Identify schemas and behavioral responses
1.1.
Imagine a current situation associated with strong emotions with eyes closed, focus especially on the emotions and where in the body you can feel the emotion. When the emotion is clear enough, wipe away the image of the current situation and just stay with the emotion (a.k.a. affect bridge) and go back to your childhood and see if an image that is associated to that emotion pops up. Explore the childhood image with emphasis on emotions and needs, the emotions and need you could not or were not allowed to express.
Try to find out what needs of yours were not fulfilled (e.g. need for nourishment, safety, attachment/love, admiration, approval, expressing needs and emotions, spontaneity and play, or independence or realistic limits).

Alternatively, you can dwell on each schema and search for a situation in your childhood or present when you have that feeling. (e.g. you were ridiculed when you were learning how to swim, and you had a feeling of shame and inadequacy)

1.2. Furthermore, notice your coping responses that alleviate the painful emotions of the activated schema (e.g. you have a shame schema and you cope with that by avoiding challenging tasks or adventures).

Step 2. Visualization rescripting technique:

Imagine a painful childhood memory with eyes closed. Such memory can be found through imagining a current situation associated with strong emotions, focusing especially on the emotions and where in the body you can feel the emotion. When the emotion is clear enough, wipe away the image of the current situation and just stay with the emotion (a.k.a. affect bridge) and go back to your childhood and see if an image that is associated to that emotion pops up. When you clearly feel the related emotions and needs, you (or introduce a helping figure in the image who helps you) modify the situation to a more pleasant ending, so your needs are fulfilled (e.g. imagine that you confront your critical parent and explain them how their harsh communication caused damage; OR practice saying "no" if you do not want to do a thing).

Step 3. Behavioral change

After challenging each schema in imagery, next step is to eliminate your coping behavioral responses, which were adaptive in childhood but maladaptive in adulthood (e.g. if you avoided romantic relationships or getting close to someone, now try to get involved in intimate relationships and desensitize your fears/anxiety through repeated exposure). Work the situation out in detail (e.g. imagine what you will exactly do, think, feel and say, and how others will probably react etc.). Try out different approaches and rehearse it over and over in imagery and then practice it in role-play and then in reality.

Anyway, meditation is an effective way to discover our real self and unconscious drives. Here you find detailed guide how to do it:  The oldest effective meditation

☆ The End ☆

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