Self-awareness, The effective meditation to become a yoga master

If you generally feel not quite happy or discontented, if you lack peace of mind, or you feel stressed or anxious, and you don't know why all this is and you want to liberate yourself, this practice may lead you to freedom, peace, tranquillity and happiness.

1, The essence of the Practice of Noticing/Monitoring

We are often not aware of what is going on in our mind, we usually are lost in thought, and not aware of our anger, fear, likes and dislikes, envy, greed, lust, sensual desires, craving, clinging, unawareness, delusion, conceit, restlessness, sloth, and other unwholesome mental states.

As a result of our unawareness,  our attention is automatically directed by external and internal stimuli, triggering our habitual reactions, we act like a lizard, consequently resulting in unhappiness and suffering. If you generally feel unsatisfactory or feel anxious frequently, then there is something important you are not aware of.

The fruits of this contemplative practice include gaining an imperturbable mind, a deep sense of tranquillity and contentment, and being fully aware and taking equanimously whatever comes in our way. Also, you develop the skill to recognize and identify your emotions, and regulate them by making an effort to avoid unwholesome mental states and cultivate a wholesome mind.

This can be done via observing, comprehending every moment of your experience, observing how the mind's attention goes from one thing to another. Everything we experience comes through the six sense-doors: eye/seeing, ear/hearing, nose/smelling, tongue/tasting, body/touching, mind/thinking, and experienced as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. 

We can look at the world through this phenomenological understanding versus through concepts (beliefs, evaluations). By understanding our experience, seeing the body and mind as it is, we can overcome suffering.

When you get familiar with meditation techniques you may notice that there are two types of methods. One is practiced from ancient times by Vedic seers (rishi),  yogis, and ascetics. They try to glue the mind's attention on one object or state (e.g. chanting sacred utterances 'mantra', gazing a yantra, mandala, or visualizing deities or chakras, or generate states such as loving-kindness 'metta', etc.), and try to exclude everything else in order to transcend the limitations of the ordinary mind. If focus is distracted, they bring attention back to the object over and over again till they reach a point where there are no distractions anymore. This meditative absorption starts with a joyful, ecstatic state, which then turns into a deeply relaxed, tranquil, hypnotic kind of state. This prolonged mental focusing can bring temporary relief from everyday stress, however when you are out of this state, you are back in the same unwholesome mental states.

The other method does not require sustained attention on a particular object, process, or mental state, but rather the mind just monitors, notices the content of your experience from a disengaged point of view from moment to moment. This detached awareness notices where the mind's attention moves. It gives us the ability of self-awareness, which is the keystone in emotional intelligence. With this understanding we are able to regulate our mental state, concerning what should be adopted and what should be avoided (wholesome versus unwholesome states) and thus permanent changes can be made in our life. The greatest benefit of this practice is release from the three major defilements or poisons of the mind:  attachment (greed, lust), aversion (hatred), and delusion (taking things personally due to a sense of self, that is, not seeing the impersonal nature of the mental processes), which are the roots of all evil and suffering. We substitute them with generosity, loving- kindness and wisdom.

This latter method is the original meditation method taught by the Buddha, it is called samatha-vipassanā in Pali language, translated as Tranquillity-Insight meditation, (samatha=tranquillity, vipassana=come and see). It has been practiced in Theravada ("Way of the Elders")  Buddhist countries, such as Thailand, Myanmar/Burma, Sri Lanka, Cambodia, Laos.

Meditation masters describe this whole practice with one word: appamāda in Pali (apramāda in Sanskrit अप्रमाद ), its meaning is non-negligence, conscious awareness, mindfulness.

Or with two words: Sati sampajañña in Pali (smṛti saṃprajanya in Sanskrit), its meaning is mindfulness with comprehension.

"a monk knows, when he is going, 'I am going';"  (in Pali,

"gacchanto vā gacchāmīti pajānāti" )

"Ever mindful he breathes in, mindful he breathes out." (in Pali, 

"So sato’va assasati, sato’va passasati.")

 (Pāli Canon, MN10, DN22)

(The original instructions on how to do the exact practice can be found in two of the most celebrated and widely studied discourses in the scriptures of Theravada Buddhism (Pāli Canon). These are the Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta (MN10), and Mahāsatipaṭṭhāna Sutta (DN22), which acting as the foundation for contemporary vipassana meditation practice.)

2, Outline of the practice

The actual method of noticing is to comprehend our experience from moment to moment. The goal is to notice where the attention goes, what phenomena arises at the six sense-doors (eye/seeing, ear/hearing, nose/smelling, tongue/tasting, body/touching, mind/thinking), and comprehend it by silently making an accurate short note of the successive occurrences of phenomena. Pick a word which describes the experience accurately. For example, you make a note like this, there is … "breathing in, breathing out", "walking, walking", "sitting, sitting", "lying down", "standing", "pain", "joy", "happy", "calm",  "seeing", "hearing", "smelling", "tasting", "thinking", "liking", "disliking", "anger", "fear", "lust", "mindful", "wandering" etc. This clear comprehension (Sampajañña in Pali), or conscious awareness will help us in everyday life to recognize when we are worrying or lost in thought, to notice recurring thoughts or obsessions, projections, and other unwholesome mind states that poison our mood and daily life, and so we can replace them with wholesome states such as generosity, loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, tranquillity, neutrality, etc. 

At the beginning, when mindfulness (sati) and concentration (samādhi) are very weak, we spend most of our time making an effort to recognize again and again the unmindful, unaware state of mind, the state when we are not comprehending our experience. When we notice it, we resume comprehension by making a silent note mentally such as "distracted, distracted" "unmindful, unmindful". 

The five major hindrances to meditation are: 

1, Restlessness, unease, stress, for example, wandering in past and future, planning, aka "lost in thought", that is, thinking without knowing that you are thinking. When you recognize it, note it as e.g. "restless" "stressy" "wandering", "planning'', "thinking".

2, Drowsiness or sloth and torpor, note it as e.g. "tired"; 

3 and 4, Attachment or Aversion to phenomena, that is reacting to our experience (phenomena that arise at the six sense-doors) with a lustful mind ("I like it") or get annoyed by it ("I don't like it"), and get involved in thinking about it and want them (what you are experirncing) to be in a particular way. When you recognize the partiality of the mind, you make a mental note of the experience as "liking", "disliking", "wanting", and also relax, release tension in your body.

The partiality of our mind causes a lot of suffering to us. In contrast, a pure mind is in a state of non-judgemental or non-reactive awareness, in which you distinguish bare observation from evaluation, that is you separate what you see, hear, etc. (observation) from what u think and feel about it (evaluation). Thisway we can recognize our urges, habits of reacting to stimuli instead of responding wisely in action, speech, and mind. Clear awareness about the objects of our experience as a replacement to our judgemental thoughts is the first step in learning how to meditate.

When you become mindful at the relevant sense door (seeing, hearing etc.) you are able to avoid defilements from arising (e.g. reacting with lust or aversion). By just simply observing the bare fact of seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, thinking (without recognizing what is that you see, hear etc.),  noting as "seeing", "hearing", "tasting", "smelling", "touching", "thinking", you restrain the senses at the sense-door itself! For example, when you look at anything you say "seeing, seeing"; when somebody is yelling at you, you say mentally "hearing, hearing"; when you are angry with somebody, you don't focus on who and why you are angry at, but just say "angry, angry". The whole point is to lose the object, break the connection with the object of anger. Rather than allowing the mind to give rise to projection or judgement of the object, one simply reminds oneself of the true nature of the object as it is. The acknowledgement is a replacement for the distracted thoughts that lead one to extrapolate upon the object, seeing it as “good”, “bad, “me”, “mine”, and so on.

Thus, in this mode of perception recommended by the Buddha that he calls "entry into emptiness ('suññatā')", one simply notes the presence or absence of phenomena, without making further assumptions about them. (It looks at experiences and processes simply as events, with no reference to the question of whether there are any "things" lying behind those events, or of whether the events can be said really to exist.")

Each experience only lasts a single moment, so it is important to note experiences at the moment they occur, recognizing their arising, persisting, and ceasing, using an accurate word to create a clear awareness of their essential nature.

If you miss restraining at this first checkpoint, you will need to make effort to rid of defilements that have already arisen e.g. thoughts of sense desire, aversion, etc.

True, complete practice is an awareness of all of the mental and physical phenomena that constantly arise at the six sense doors (seeing/eye, hearing/ear, smelling/nose, tasting/tongue, touching/body, thinking/mind). 

However, because concentration and awareness are not strong enough in the beginning, therefore  we initially focus just on a few easily noticeable phenomena, for example, on the rise and fall of the abdomen (breathing in and out) when practicing sitting meditation, and on stepping when we do walking meditation. (This is called primary object.) Later, when your practice matures, you will be able to note many objects as they arise.

"The moments of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, and thinking occur very swiftly. It will not be possible for a beginner to follow these on all successive incidents as they occur because his mindfulness (sati) and concentration (samādhi) are still very weak. It seems that seeing, hearing, thinking and imagining always occur simultaneously. it is not possible to distinguish which occurs first and which second. A beginner need not, therefore, follow up on many things. He needs to begin with only a few things."

"Seeing or hearing occurs only when due attention is given to their objects. Smelling rarely occurs. The experience of tasting can only occur while one is eating. In the case of seeing, hearing, smelling and tasting, the meditator can note them when they occur. Body impressions, however, are ever present. They usually exist distinctly all the time."

The Buddha's way of mindfulness (sati) consists of 4 domains we can apply mindful attention to aiding the development of a wholesome state of mind. It is called Satipaṭṭhāna in Pali;  establishment of 'sati'=mindfulness (to bear in mind, to remember). The are: 

(1) the contemplation of the body, 

(2) the contemplation of feelings, 

(3) the contemplation of mind states, and 

(4) the contemplation of mind objects or dhammās, which regards thoughts, ideas, concepts. It includes key principles or categories of the Buddha's teaching.

>Contemplation of the body (kāyānupassanā in Pali) includes the contemplation of:

- the four main body postures of sitting, standing, walking, or lying down; 

- contemplation of breathing (ānāpānasati in Pali); 

- contemplation of the four elements (perceived as sensations such as hardness or softness -- earth, heat or coldness -- fire, tension, tightness, or looseness --air, and cohesion -- water element is subtle); 

- contemplation of repulsiveness of the body parts (recommended if you are lustful); and 

- contemplation of the decay of a body.

> Contemplation of feeling (vedanānupassanā in Pali) is the contemplation of pleasing ("happy), displeasing ("pain") and neutral sensations ("calm).

> Contemplation of mind (cittānupassanā in Pali) is the contemplation of mental activities pl.thinking, imagining, planning, volition, and emotions such as, joy, excited, surprised, sad, angry, disgusted, bored, fearful, contempt, envy, also, concentrated mind, exalted, liberated mind, etc.

> Contemplation of dhammas (dhammanupassana in Pali) includes five schemes:

- the five hindrances to mental clarity (restlessness, drowsiness, lust, aversion, and doubt in the usefulness of meditation); 

- the five aggregates of clinging, these are temporary conditioned phenomena that makes up each moment of our experience, and create a sense of self (form/matter, feeling, perception, mental formations, consciousness). Start this contemplation with questions such as 'What is a being ?' or 'What is it that is called "I", "me" ?'

- the six pairs of internal and external sense bases (eye/sight, ear/sound, nose/smell, tongue/taste, body/touch, mind/thoughts); 

- the seven factors of enlightenment or wakefulness are signs that the practice is going well (mindfulness, investigation of mental phenomena, energy/effort, joy, tranquillity, concentration, equanimity); and 

- the Four Noble Truths, which encompass the Noble Eightfold Path. 

Your practice looks like this:

"During the time that one is sitting, the body impression of stiffness or the sensation of hardness in this position is distinctly felt. Attention should therefore be fixed on the sitting posture and a note made as “sitting, sitting, sitting.” 

"It may be found that the exercise of observing the mere sitting posture is too easy and does not require much effort. One will generally feel lazy and will not want to carry on the noting as “sitting, sitting, sitting” repeatedly for a considerable length of time. It is a state of sloth and torpor. More energy should be developed, and for this purpose, the number of objects for noting should be increased. After noting as “sitting,” the attention should be directed to a spot in the body where the sense of touch is felt and a note made as “touching.” The noting should thus be repeated using these two objects of the sitting posture and the place of touching alternately, as “sitting, touching, sitting, touching, sitting, touching.”

 "A simpler and easier form of the exercise for a beginner is this: With every breath there occurs in the abdomen a rising-falling movement. This rising-falling movement is easy to observe because it is coarse and therefore more suitable for the beginner. A beginner should start with the exercise of noting this movement. A mental note should be made as “rising” for the upward movement of the abdomen and “falling” for the downward movement. If these movements are not clearly noticed by simply fixing the mind on them, one or both hands should be placed on the abdomen.

The disciple should not try to change the manner of his natural breathing. He should neither attempt slow breathing by the retention of his breath, nor quick breathing or deep breathing. If he does change the natural flow of his breathing, he will soon tire himself. He must therefore keep to the natural rate of his breathing and proceed with the contemplation of rising and falling."

"Never verbally repeat the words, "rising, falling", and do not think of rising and falling as words. Be aware only of the actual process of the rising and falling movements of the abdomen as they occur in the course of normal breathing."

"You may feel at times that breathing is slow or that the rising and falling movements are not clearly perceived. When this happens, and you are in the sitting position, simply move the attention to "sitting", "touching".

"The same manner of contemplation by noting the movements as “rising, falling, rising, falling” should be carried out while one is in the lying posture."

"In the case of walking, the meditator should start the exercise by noting as “right step, left step,” or "stepping right, stepping left" or “walking, walking” while walking quickly. And by noting as “lifting, moving, placing” while walking slowly."

"If unpleasant feelings of stiffness or pain etc. arise, these sensations also should be noted as they occur, e.g. “stiff, stiff”, “hot, hot” “painful, painful”  “tired, tired” and so on."

"While occupied with the exercise of observing each of the abdominal movements, other mental activities may occur between the noting of each rising and falling. Thoughts or other mental functions, such as intentions, ideas, imaginings, are likely to occur between each mental note of rising and falling. They cannot be disregarded. A mental note must be made of each as it occurs. If you imagine something, you must know that you have done so and make a mental note, "imagining". If you simply think of something, mentally note, "thinking". If you reflect, "reflecting". If you intend to do something, "intending". When the mind wanders from the object of meditation which is the rising and falling of the abdomen, mentally note, "wandering". Should you imagine you are going to a certain place, note "going". When you arrive, "arriving". When, in your thoughts, you meet a person, note "meeting". Should you speak to him or her, "speaking". If you imaginarily argue with that person, note "arguing". If you envision or imagine a light or colour, be sure to note "seeing". A mental vision must be noted on each occurrence of its appearance until it passes away. On noting once or twice the mind usually stops wandering, then the exercise of noting “rising, falling” should be continued.

"If there is then nothing in particular to be noted, the usual exercise of noting “rising, falling” should be reverted to."

When you advance in your practice, every occasion of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching should be noted as “seeing, seeing", "hearing, hearing”, “smelling, smelling”,  “tasting, tasting "touching, touching".

"Contemplation should start at the moment you wake up. Since you are a beginner, it may not be possible yet for you to start contemplating at the very first moment of wakefulness. But you should start with it when you remember that you are to contemplate. For example, if on awakening you reflect on something, you should become aware of the fact and begin your contemplation by a mental note, "reflecting". Then proceed with the contemplation of rising and falling. When getting up from the bed, mindfulness should be directed to every detail of the body's activity. Each movement of the hands, legs and rump must be performed in complete awareness. Do you intend to get out of bed? If so, note "intending". If you prepare to move the body into position for rising, note "preparing". As you slowly rise, "rising". Should you remain sitting for any length of time, revert to contemplating the abdominal movements."

(The source of the above excerpts: Satipaṭṭhāna Vipassanā, Insight through Mindfulness; written by a contemporary Burmese monk, The Venerable Mahāsi Sayādaw. And also from his Manual of Insight, 5th chapter.)

3, Attaining a meditative state of mind

The above described basic practice is a way to attain a meditative state of mind. With practice, your concentration and mindfulness become stronger, the mind becomes able to focus attention for a longer period of time and doesn't lose mindfulness (awareness, comprehension,  contemplation of experience), that is distractions, sense desire and unwholesome states subside. You will notice that the mind gets still, free from verbal chatter, and aware. That is where true meditation starts (jhana in Pali, dhyana in Sanskrit). 

You go through stages (8 stages), where your mind gets freed from thinking and becomes joyful, then more and more calm and peaceful, eventually it reaches imperturbable tranquility, free from sensations both pleasant and unpleasant, and takes equanimously whatever experience, phenomena arises ("neutrality").

You will notice that at every time of noting, there is always a pair, the object (materiality, rūpa) and the mind which knows the object (mentality, nāma). The two elements of materiality (e.g. rising or falling movements of the abdomen) and mentality (=knowing) are linked up in pairs and their arising or disappearance coincides. You can also notice conditionality ("cause and effect"): there is no experience if there is no object, and also there is no experience if the mind does not go toward the object.

Then, your awareness becomes sharper than ever, you feel as if space is expanding, then you notice phenomena arising and passing away continuously one after the other (this is "impermanence"). As soon as you place your attention on some aspect of your experience, it disappears. You also notice the impersonal nature of this process, it just happens by itself and you are not in control of it ("not-self"). The sense of the body disappears; all that is left is a series of apparently disconnected individual sensations. And because phenomena continuously arise and disappear, it is unsatisfactory and not attractive at all ("suffering"). So you get disenchanted with it and wish it to cease. 

If you keep contemplating, then, you will notice that less and less phenomena arise. The empty space between arising phenomena is where emptiness, nothingness is. If you focus on this emptiness, you will reach a state where it may seem unclear whether you are awake or asleep. And there could be a point when it seemed that all phenomena ceased and awareness was gone for a short time. It is a glimpse into liberation from suffering (nibbana in Pali, nirvana in Sanskrit).

The above described practice is included in the Noble Eightfold path, which is the Buddhist way of life, the way leading to the cessation of suffering. The eight factors aim at promoting and perfecting the three essentials of Buddhist training and discipline: namely: Ethical Conduct 'sila' (includes right conduct, speech and livelihood); Mental Discipline 'samadhi' (includes right effort, mindfulness and concentration); and Wisdom 'panna' (includes right view and intention). The whole teaching of the Buddha deals with this Path. He explained it in different ways and in different words to different people, according to the stage of their development and capacity. It is self-discipline in body, speech and mind, self-development and self-purification.

A true complete practice starts with taking the 5 or 8 precepts: avoiding bodily misbehaviors such as killing and hurting sentient beings, stealing, sexual misconduct, and taking intoxicants; and verbal precepts such as no Lying or deception, Harsh speech, Divisive speech or slander, and Idle chatter; topped with right livelihood. These are the pillars of morality (sila), which is built on the conception of universal love and compassion for all living beings.

☆ The End ☆

!!! NEXT STEP: the practice of wholesome, right speech: Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

                             ☆

An excellent explanation of the complete Buddhist practice, by a contemporary monk, can be found at the Youtube channel of Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu:

> How mindfulness creates understanding

> A complete practice

> Realizations on the path

> Practical application of the Noble Eightfold Path

> How to meditate

> His book: How To Meditate: A Beginner's Guide to Peace, by Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu, 52pages. (Free distribution)

                               ☆

Suggested readings and talks:

>Tibetan Buddhist monk TEDtalk: The habits of happiness

>What the Buddha Taught, by Theravadin Walpola Rahula, is a widely used introductory book on Buddhism for non-Buddhists

>Wings to Awakening, An Anthology from the Pali Canon by Thanissaro Bhikkhu (Geoffrey DeGraff). The wings of awakening

> New research on Perception!!  TEDtalk: Psychosis: Bending reality to see around the corners

>Pali Canon, DN 2 Samaññaphala Sutta: The Fruits of the Contemplative Life, (This discourse is one of the masterpieces of the Pali canon. At heart, it is a comprehensive portrait of the Buddhist path of training, illustrating each stage of the training with vivid similes. It also provides one of the most detailed accounts in the Sutta Pitaka of the Buddhist community's code of ethical behavior.)

                  ☆

I wish you peace, happiness and freedom from suffering.

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

“We are accustomed to thinking about what is wrong with other people when our needs are not being fulfilled. Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand and pronounce judgements rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing. If we had been raised speaking a language that facilitate compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. From the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what is wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody's needs is greatly increased.”

When it comes to expressing our feelings and needs, we may struggle to find a way to express them politely and courageously at the same time, therefore we may either act passively and suppress our feeling and needs or burst out in anger and aggression. This post is a concise summary (containing excerpts) from the book: Non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It shows you a technique how to communicate with yourself and others with compassion (=understanding, tolerance, consideration, benevolence), and how to considerately and effectively express your feelings and needs.

The main principle of compassionate communication and emotional liberation is: “stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that needs of others be fulfilled”.

"

When someone gives us a negative message we don't like (e.g.”you are the most selfish person I've ever met”, “it is your fault”, “you make me angry”, etc.), we have 2 harmful options and 2 fruitful options as to how to receive it:

😦 Option #1. Blaming ourself: 

We accept the other person's judgement and blame ourself (e.g. "you are right, I should have been more sensitive"). We choose this option at a great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame and depression. 
We are trained to be other-directed ("what is it that others think right for me to say and do?") rather than to be in contact with ourself. If we don't value our needs, others may not either.

Respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt or shame!! ✔

Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt. The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one's own feelings to others. Feeling responsible for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring (e.g. "it hurts mammy when you get poor grades in school").

Make choices motivated purely by desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.

😠 Option #2. Blaming others:

We are likely to feel anger when we choose this option (e.g. "you make me angry, you disappoint me”, etc.). We make moralistic judgements implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who dont act in harmony with our values (e.g."the problem with you is that you are...selfish, lazy, prejudiced"). Our attention is focused on classifying, analysing and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and not getting. When we judge others (“who is what”,“who deserves what"), we contribute to violence.

People do not hear our pain as soon as they think they have done something wrong. When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack (e.g. “you have no right to say that”, “you are who is selfish not me").

Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, diagnoses are all forms of judgement. These are tragic expressions of our own values and needs, because we increase defensiveness and resistance and we will not get what we want, or if they do agree to act in harmony with our values because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame. 
We all pay dearly because sooner or later we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They also pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear guilt or shame, and associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.

Realize that what other people say or do is never the cause how you feel. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment. What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings but not the cause. The cause of anger lies in our thinking that is disconnected from needs. Divorce the other person for any responsibility for your anger. 

List the judgements that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, "i don't like people who are...", and then ask yourself "when i make that judgement of a person, what am i needing and not getting?", this way you can train yourself to frame your thinking in terms of unmet needs rather then in terms of judgements of other people. At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.

☺ Option #3. Sensing our own feelings and needs, and expressing them: ✔

When our needs are not being fulfilled, we express what we are observing, feeling and needing with a specific request (we ask for actions that might fulfill our needs). 
For instance, “I feel frustrated, when I see that you spent the weekends in the last three months without me because I need/would like to spend more time with you, so would you be willing to spend at least one whole day together with me per week?”, or “I feel angry when I see dirty clothes around, because I need harmony and peace when I am at home, so would you be willing to remove your clothes from the floor”, etc.)

step1. OBSERVATION:

We observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying and doing that we either like or do not like? The trick is to articulate it without introducing any judgement or evaluation.

Clearly observe what we are seeing hearing or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being without mixing in any evaluation, or passing judgement on either the person or the behavior. When we combine observation with evaluation, people apt to hear criticism. (Jiddu Krishnamurti: "observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence")

Indicate if an evaluation is being made !! (e.g. instead of saying "you are too generous”, rather say this “when i see you give all your money to others i think you are being too generous")

Avoid:

 ¤ Using words with evaluative connotations (e.g. lazy, ugly, procrastinate, etc.)

¤ Implication that your inferences/opinions about another person's thoughts, feelings intentions or desires are the only ones possible (e.g. "he won't make it”, say this rather: “i don't think he will make it")

¤ Confusion of predictions with certainty (e.g. "if you don't exercise, then you will be unhealthy", say this rather: “i am afraid, you will be unhealthy if you...”)

step2. FEELINGS:

We state how we feel when we observe others action: are we hurt, scared, joyful amused, irritated?

Distinguish feelings from thoughts: what we feel, and what we think we are (e.g. "I feel as if/i feel that/i feel like a failure" is a thought, not a feeling).

Distinguish what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us (e.g. "I feel unimportant, misunderstood, ignored" this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others).

Build a vocabulary for feelings:

step3. NEEDS:

We say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings.

We accept responsibility rather than blame others for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, hope, values, or thoughts behind our feeling. (e.g. “I feel angry when I see dirty clothes around, because I need peace and harmony when I am at home”)

Speech patterns that mask accountability for our feelings:

¤ Statements that use only the actions of others (e.g. "when you dont call me  on my birthday, I feel hurt");

¤ “Because you” expression (e.g."i feel ....because you....” , say this rather: “I feel because I ......”);

¤ Impersonal pronoun (e.g. "it/that bugs me").

[ Basic human needs:

Physical nurturance: air, food, water, shelter, protection, movement/exercise, rest, touch, sexual expression;

Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, empathy, honesty, love; reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth;

Autonomy: to choose one's dreams, goals and values, and one's path to fulfill them;

Integrity: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth;

Celebration: to celebrate dreams fulfilled and life, and mourn over losses;

Play: fun, laughter;

Spiritual communion: beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace. ]

Step4. REQUEST:

What we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our life or make life more wonderful for us.

The clearer we are what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met, we get what we want. Making request in a clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want, whereas vague language contributes to internal confusion.

Use positive language (e.g. "I want....” vs. “I dont want")

Avoid vague, abstract, ambiguous phrasing (e.g. I need help, love, freedom, etc.) and word your request in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake.

Define your objective when you make a request: if your objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get your way regardless of what they want, then compassionate communication is not an appropriate tool. It is your tool if your objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy, and you want others change and respond only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.

   

Requests unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs may sound like a demand. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. Requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply, and they see two options: submission or rebellion.

How to tell if it is a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. It is a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges, or lays a guilt-trip. It is a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person's needs ("so, you feel tired and need a little rest? "). 
Choosing to request rather then demand does not mean we give up when someone says 'no' to our request, it does mean we don't engage in persuasion until we have empathised with what is preventing the other person from saying yes.

The more we interpret noncompliance as rejection (e.g. "if you loved me, you would do it"), the more likely our requests will be heard as demands, this leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he/she can do so willingly ("would you be willing to... vs. i would like you to do....")

To the degree that people in life have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in a request. In this case, emphasize  that they are free to choose (e.g. “how can i let you know what i am wanting from you so it doesn't sound like i dont care about what you would like/want?").

The message we send is not always the message that is received. Ask the listener for reflection, indicate that it is because you want to be sure that you expressed yourself clearly (e.g. "could you tell me what you just heard me say, I want to make sure i have expressed myself clearly", "do you understand what i mean?")

   

After we express ourself vulnerably, we often want to know the other person's reaction to what we have said. We can take three directions:

¤ What the listener is feeling ("how you feel about what i have just said?")

¤ What the listener is thinking, specify which thoughts you would like to receive ("what do you think would make my plan successful?")

¤ Whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action ("I would like you to tell me if you would be willing to ..")   

Quick guide to expressing anger:

1.Stop and do nothing except to breathe.

We refrain from any move to blame or punish the other person. Give yourself the empathy for the hurt, fear or rage that is stirring inside you.

2.Identify your judgemental thoughts  
(e.g. "it is unfair/wrong to act like that")

3.Connect with your needs behind those thoughts (here we may empathise with the other person first and hear his pain so that they will be better able to hear us when we express our feelings and unmet needs)

4.Express your feelings and unmet needs

(e.g. "i am angry because I am needing....; and avoid this: “I am angry becuse You...”).

Expressing appreciation:

Notice when you say “you are generous, nice, etc.”, words denoting ability, you are evaluating the other person, in other words, you make judgements, although positive ones. 
Rather, express the action the other person contributed to your well-being, and your feelings and needs. (e.g. “thank you for this wonderful book, I have been searching for a good book on this topic so long, you made my day by giving me this.”). 
If you are the receiver, thank for it regardless your agreeing with it or not, receive appreciation gracefully, without feelings of superiority of false humility. 

☺ Option #4. Sensing other's feelings and needs: ✔

Receive the same four pieces of information from others: sense what they are observing, feeling, needing and then discover what would enrich their lives by receiving their request.

Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs. People who seem like monsters are simply human beings whose language and behavior sometimes keep us from seeing their humanness. No matter what words people use to express themself, we listen for their observations, feelings and needs, and what they are requesting.

In relating to others, empathy occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgements about them. Empty your mind and  listen actively to others with your whole being. Empathy requires focusing full attention on the other person's message and what they are experiencing.

We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. Allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning your attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed to quickly to what other people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs, and they may get the impression that we are in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or fix-it advice.

Communication mistakes:

¤ advising ("i think you should..", "how come you didn't...")

¤ educating ("this could turn into a useful experience if you...")

¤ consoling ("it wasn't your fault, you did the best you could")

¤ story-telling ("that reminds me of the time..")

¤ one-upping (e.g. "that is nothing, wait till you hear what happened to me")

¤ shutting down (e.g. "cheer up, dont feel so bad")

¤ sympathizing (e.g. "oh, you poor thing..")

¤ interrogating (e.g. "when did this begin?")

¤ explaining (e.g. "i would have called but")

¤ correcting (e.g. "that's not how it happened")

   

When they fully expressed themselves, then paraphrase what you heard. Guess about other's feelings and needs (e.g. "are u feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?"). Paraphrasing will confirm for the speaker if we accurately received the message, or the speaker has the opportunity to correct us. Reflecting the message also offers them time to reflect on what they have said and an opportunity to touch deeper levels of themselves. When we paraphrase, the tone of voice we use is highly important. When they hear themselves reflected back, people are likely to be sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism or sarcasm.

Paraphrasing take the form of questions, focusing on:

¤ What others are observing (e.g. "are you reacting to how many evenings i was gone last week?");

¤ How others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings (e.g. "are you feeling hurt because you need/would like more appreciation for your...?");

¤ What others are requesting (e.g."are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for...").

People feel safer if we first reveal our feelings and needs within ourself that are generating the question (e.g. "i am frustrated because i would like to be clearer about what you are referring to", versus "what did i do?").

We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when: we sense a release of tension in our own body, or the speaker will stop talking. If we are uncertain, ask ("is there more that you wanted to say?").

If we find ourselves unable or unwilling to empathise despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too starved for empathy. Provide ourself with empathy by listening to what is going on in ourselves with full presence and attention until we experience a natural release of energy that then enables us to be present with the other person. If however, the other party is also experiencing such intensity of feelings that they can neither hear us nor leave us alone, it is better to physically remove ourselves from the situation.

"

"Metta" loving kindness meditation, which emphasize compassion, can strenghten the basis of non-violent communication. Practitioners train in by contemplating and visualizing the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings, while they are repeating this utterance: “May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.” Here you can learn the basics of Metta loving kindness meditation:

The #1 simplest meditation technique that stimulates your brain and generate well-being

☆ The End ☆

!!! NEXT STEP of self-development >

18 unconscious thought pattern that damage romantic relationships and success in life

How to get rid of disliked traits and habits: The science of conditioning

You probaly already know a lot of techniques how to control and motivate yourself and how to influence others. The mechanisms of these processes have been rigorously studied in the last hundred years through experimental psychology. Read and learn how you can exploit this knowledge and use it to your advantage.

A quick test to start. How were you reinforced as a kid and how do you reinforce your child?

Choise 1. Do you give attention and praise your children when they accomplish things (e.g. “nice drawing”, “see, your effort was  very productive”, etc.), and in addition, you do not overly criticize, belittle and attack them when they make mistakes (e.g. “you are a bad kid” “you cannot even tie your shoe”, “you will end up in jail one day”, etc.)?

Choise 2. Do you give attention mostly when they get injured, hurt and miserable, and do not give much attention when everything is going well?

Choise 3. Do you give attention only when they make trouble or make mistakes?

Attention = Reinforcement,
thus attention strengthen the behavior that preceeds it.
In the first scenario of the above test, you reinforce achievements and so you raise high achievers. In the second scenario, your child learn that self-pity is a useful way to get attention, love and sympathy. However, later she/he has to realize that it is not a attractive trait in adulthood. In the third case, mischief-makers cause difficulties to others and themself and may also end up in jail, indeed. Of course, the end result is much more complicated since many factors affect a child during development.

 People' overt behavior are configured through classical (pavlovian)  and operant conditioning, and also via modelling (observing the behavior of others).
Thoughts (= actions of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them.

Our past experiences (including early childhood experiences) determine our present behavior, speech and thinking. Behaviors that received strong reinforcement for many years during childhood tend to be unchanged and hard to stop even years later when environmetal conditions change.

 Pavlovian conditioning
(Ivan Pavlov experiments with dogs, 1890s) occurs when some neutral stimulus (e.g. sight of a bee) is so closely associated with an existing reflex (e.g. sting causes pain and aversion) that it takes on the power to elicit the reflexive response (e.g. sight of a bee elicits aversion).

[A reflex consists of a stimulus-response sequence, in which some stimulus (unconditioned stimulus= no need to learn) elicits a biological based response including physical and emotional response, either pleasurable or painful e.g. bee sting elicits pain and aversion, bad food elicits vomiting and aversion, good food elicit salivation and pleasure, painful blows elicit increased heart rate and fear, gentle touch elicits tranquillity.]
(suggested reading: Behavior principles in everyday life by John D. and Janice I. Baldwin)

Cues that most reliable precede and predict the onset of a relfex are the stimuli that become conditioned/learnt stimuli. If you want to better understand your feelings and emotions, play closer attention to the stimuli that precede and predicts them.
Conditioned reflexes can lose power and disappear over time (extinction), if the conditioned stimulus appears without being followed by the unconditioned stimulus and reflex  („time heals old wounds”). Extinction cannot take place if the person avoids contacts with a conditioned stimuli that would neutralize it (e.g. after an accident the person avoids driving). Thus, conditioned fears and anxieties are less likely to extinguish naturally than are conditioned pleasures. Therapeutic extinctions involves having a person confront a fear-inducing conditioned stimulus in a safe environment that is free of aversive stimuli.

The pavlovian mechanism can be exploited to influence your own or others' mental states. Setting up environmental cues (e.g. image, word, imaginary, etc.), you can elicit a particular feeling in yourself or others (e.g. if you want to induce high performance put a picture of a race-winning athlete, if you want to facilitate deep thinking put a picture of Roden's thinker, or ask women's phone number in front of a flower shop that elicit romantic feelings). (suggested reading: Pre-suasion by Robert Cialdini)

You can also create new associations deliberately (a.k.a. anchoring), and link together a chosen signal with a desired mental state (e.g. confidence, cheerfulness), and use this anchor cue signal (e.g. physical signal, gesture, a specific smell, music, symbol, color, etc.), when you wish to call up that emotion instantly.
The first step is to create the link between the anchor and the desired emotion. Visualize a past experience and re-live it many times (you need to feel permeated by the emotion) and at the pick apply the choosen anchor (e.g. smell, physical signal, etc.). For  instance, press together thumb and index finger or clap together your palms while you are at the pick of feeling confident, or smile while you are at the pick experience of cheerfulness, or get a sniff of a smell). Repeat the process many times to create the link successfully. Later you can call up the feeling instantly with applying the anchor (e.g. pressing together the fingers, clapping together your palms, or smiling).

 Operant conditioning
 (Edward Thorndike experiments with cats 1898, B.F. Skinner experiments with rats and pigeons, 1938) occurs when an operant (action) is followed by either reinforcement
(positive reinforcement= receiving a reward, or negative reinforcement= escaping or avoiding a bad experience)
 or punishment (positive punishment= addition of aversive stimulus, negative punishment= substraction of award), thus it strengthen or suppress that behavior. Pavlovian conditioning often occurs as a natural by-product of operant conditioning, thus performing a behavior elicit emotional responses.

It can be used to induce desired emotions „fake it until you make it”, for instance, to feel happier, smile long enough and eventually it induces a feeling of happiness; or in order to boost your self-esteem and be more confident, strike expansive poses (e.g. sit erect with hands behind the head, or stand with extended hands above your head looking upon the sky).


How parents teach wicked or useless behavior?

Some children learn to be polite early in life, if this behaviour is associated with generous levels of reinforcement over long periods of time, and later these kids feel natural to be kind to others.
The same goes for undesirable behaviors, for instance many people retain „childish behaviors”, such as whining, pouting, crying, doing self-pity, being a nuisance in adulthood. Although childish behaviors often cause parents to give their child abundant social attention and social reinforcers, immature behavior often prevents people from developing high quality relationships in their adulthood.

Children who receive frequent noncontingent reinforcement (that is receiving free rewards without doing anything that takes effort) can acquire learned laziness. Children who are showered with toys, attention, and treats by doting parents often become „spoiled”, and  develop passivity, apathy, and lack of motivation.

In contrast, people who receive frequent noncontingent punishment (that is no relationship between the person's behavior and the punishment) can develop learned helplessness involving passivity, apathy, and depression. Children raised in highly abusive homes, when parents take out their anger on the children, and there is not much they can do to avoid the physical and verbal abuse, gradually, attempts to avoid punishment extinguish, and the victims learn to accept the pain passively. Once people developed learned helplessness, they often learn to  tolerate abuses even when they could avoid it.


How parents teach negative thinking?

Thoughts (action of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them.
If a person has often experienced trauma, failure, disappointment, or other punishers after optimistically planning for future events, the punishment can supress optimistic thinking.
Similarly, if negative thoughts and worries are reinforced (e.g. receiving sympathy), that person end up worrying all the time. Also, the production of creative thoughts can be increased through reinforcement by rewarding yourself with positive self-comments (e.g. „that was wonderful”) after noticing each clever idea.

Some children learn to escape social punishment by being self-critical and self-punitive because their behavior often reduces the likelihood that other people will punish their transgressions. (negative reinforcement=escaping a bad experience). Because escape and avoidance behavior can be very resistant to extinction, these individuals may continue to engage in self-punishing thoughts long after there is any reason to do so.

Thoughts can become conditioned stimuli through pavlovian conditioning, that can elicit conditioned responses including pleasurable or painful emotions (e.g. daydreaming or thinking of a loved one elicit pleasure; thinking of an embarrasing experience elicit discomfort).
 If negative thoughts and worries elicit aversive responses, why do some people end up worrying all the time? There are several reinforcers that outweight the pain of the negative thoughts such as escaping from major problems (e.g. worrying about an exam, one plan ahead with studying hard), thus worry is a type of problem-solving behavior. Social reinforcement (e.g. receiving sympathy- positive social reinforcement) also can strengthen the habits of worrying. And finally, once these reinforcements causes a person to begin worrying, they are further reinforced by sensory stimulation (a lesser-known reinforcer) generating dozens of novel worries  resulting in a long chain of thoughts.

Thoughts condition other thoughts through pavlovian conditioning, thus for instance, thoughts that precede and predict positive thoughts also become increasingly pleasurable (e.g. when you fall in love, you find that many of the things that your loved one likes also becomes more appealing to you).
Similarly, thoughts that precede and predict negative thoughts also become increasingly painful (e.g. thoughts about nuclear power elicit aversive feelings after bad experience). People who worry a great deal may inadvertently condition a large-number of once-neutral thoughts into fear eliciting conditioned stimuli (e.g. after a person has learned to be afraid of dying in an airplane accident, while worrying about the details, this person may happen to think about driving and imagine there could be a car accident, and  then that person may become worrying about other kinds of travel, and eventually end up developing agoraphobia.



How to  prevent the plague of irrational thoughts and worry?

Developing adequate reasoning skills is a good way to prevent the plague of irrational thoughts and fears that magnify problems. Rational decision method involves steps:

1. List as many alternative choices as feasible in a choice situation;

2. List the immediate and long-term consequences, pros (+) and cons (-) (positive and negative thoughts that comes to your mind) of each choice;

3. Then honestly evaluating all the pros and cons of each alternative, without biases.

When people do not follow the guidelines, they often focus on the immediate consequences of the most conspicuous choices, which narrows their range of choices, and they also may bias their selection in favor of immediate gratification rather than long-term planning. People who have not been reinforced for reasoning may find this task so effortful and unpleasant that they skip the evaluation process and fail to reach a well-reasoned decision.

In addition, developing self-control skills help to better manage your thoughts, moods, behaviors and habits (e.g. eating, exercise, politeness). Self-control involves

1. self-observation and self-descriptions (e.g. “I have extra weight”),

2. self-evaluation in terms of goals (e.g. “my physical fitness needs to be improved”),

3. goal-oriented self-instruction (e.g. “I start working out 3 times a week”), and

4. reinforcement (e.g. beyond feeling better you may use verbal self-reinforcement also “I am awesome and glad I resolved my fitness issues”).

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Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home

3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

When friendliness is not an option. What to do with the wicked? Here is the best guide to save your coolness

It is challenging to keep your tranquillity when you meet a difficult person, irrational, childlike, egocentric, totally  inconsiderate person who do not understand "no", shows no signs of empathy, and uses people as a mean to get further in life.

The wisdom comes into play like this: you do not let the poison of anger contaminate your mind and taking away delight from your precious moments. This article is about how you can train your mind to remain cool.

If you mirror the person and get angry yourself, then you have to make effort to suppress your urge to act out your anger. Agrresive behavior, any kind including verbal aggression can get you in danger. Until these people start reading on self-development and emotional intelligence, or start meditation or Western psychotherapy that help them realize their immature, egocentric, narcissistic" character, which is actually very common nowadays, you'd better learn how to develope and maintain an imperturbable inner peace in order to shake off these external negative stimuli.

First, Understand that what people do and say maybe the stimulus but never the cause of our anger. The cause of our anger lies in our thinking. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our needs and expectations in that moment. The interpretations in my own head that produce anger, in thoughts of blame, judgements, labels, and thoughts of what people should do and what they deserve.  Therefore, we need to monitor our mental states.

For example, we realize that we want/expect the other person be different from what they are (e.g. we want them to act like a mature person and so they fit to our needs). We want something that is impossible, and we got frustrated and angry. If we don't want to be unhappy, we need to train ourself not to want impossible things. What to do?  If you can, Remove yourself from the situation. Or focus on problem-solving, what is the real problem and what is the solution for the problem.

Second, Cultivating wisdom, loving-kindness (goodwill) and compassion (that is understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings) is a great way to neutralize your negative emotions and to generate positive feelings.
A Tibetan lama once said that the greatest danger he faced in the face of cruelty was to lose compassion toward the wicked.

You can train your mind to prevent or reduce the development of negative mental states. Here there are the fundamentals how to step on the way of the Tibetan lamas in the stressful Western world and preserve (or gain) tranquillity and joy.

Practice #1. Prevent anger (via monitoring perception, thoughts and likes/dislikes): 

1.1. One easy exercise, to start to develop a mind that is able to prevent the arising of unwholesome mental states, is to getting into the habit of distinguishing observation from evaluation, that is separate what you see, hear, taste, smell, touch (observation) and what you think and feel about it (evaluation).

We usually get angry because we automatically assume that the other person intentionally try to cause harm, thus we "take their behavior personally". The root of many evil is wrong perception.

1.2. Open mind-set exercise (silencing your thoughts, self-talk):
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts.
Observe an external object, a phenomenon, an event, an object (e.g. sunset, music, house, animal, etc.) or a person with pure awareness, that is objective, unbiased, free from judgement, thus silence your thoughts, mental evaluation, make no judgements and assumptions. When you observe an object, try to memorize how it looks. When you observe a person, focus on her movements, face, voice, and make no evaluations.

1.3. In order to monitor all mental states: 
Learn Vipassana meditation ! to see reality clearly. Vipassana meditation is the original meditation method taught by the Buddha to see reality as it is, to see the partiality of our mind, and how it creates our suffering. There are so many meditation technique to create calmness temporarily, but this one makes real changes in one's life. Here is my post on it:

The oldest effective meditation for self-awareness

And here is a video on youtube, in which a Thai theravadin Buddhist monk explains it:  Vipassana meditation

With Self-awareness (real-time monitoring of your mental states, emotions) and Self-regulation, you will also be able to understand the mental states and emotions of others. 

Your tolerance will be increased by learning to see the situation from the other person's viewpoint, putting yourself "in the other person's shoes" and realize their motives and pain.  

When you judge someone you are really saying that “I do not want to understand you”.

Let's go back to the original example in the intro. Try to imagine what happened to these  egocentric, narcissistic people, how they become or remained so unconsiderate. Understand that people may not be aware of their self-centered attitude and narcissistic character, which resembles undecayed childhood egocentric view. 

The egocentric child assumes that other people see, hear, and feel exactly the same as he does (Jean Piaget experiements in 1950s). This egocentric view declines due to cognitive development, confrontation with reality and socialization, so the child gains empathy (they will be able to see a situation from another person's point of view), feel the pain of the other. In the absence of these shaping, the child cannot learn that skill (e.g. if the parents are narcissistic themself or neglect their children, or not assertive and act as servants, etc.). These children later in adulthood  have a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, and continue to crave for constant attention and admiration, because for them love=attention. They may have a grandiose sense of self-importance and superiority, and fantasized of unlimited success, power and beauty, and feel elected to change the world. They express arrogance, disrespect, and get upset when people do not measure up to their expectation, and they have a hard time to accept constructive feedback, and reacted with rage, humiliation or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. Although narcissistic people are surrounded by a mass of people, they find it hard to go beyond superficial relationships, only those can tolerate and stay with them who are willing to serve them. Often they cannot measure up to their own expectations, and they run into failure and often end up in bitterness, anxiety, inactivity and depression. A narcissistic person is like a four year old in an adult body, emotinally immature, and need rather your compassion. But of course, it is understandable if you do not want such a person around you as you do not want a crocodile next to you. 

So understanding is not about making excuses for the other person, it is for being able to protect ourself from poisonous anger and rather feel compassion.

Observe the person like a scientist with open-mind without judgement. Try to sense and feel what is going on in the other person. Observe the gestures, body language, the words the person uses. Listen to the use of words, which tells a lot of secrects about the person since "we do not see things as they are, we see thing as we are".
You can also identify and remove your unconscious stumbling blocks of success:
18 thinking patterns that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have


Practice #2. Regulate negative emotions (via monitoring mental states and emotions, and behavior/self-control)
When you face an inconsiderate, unfriendly or aggressive person, don't just show polite indifference and walk away while you are suffocated with rage and then discharge it on vulnerable people (e.g. assistant, your child, spouse), but pacify and prevent the accumulation of negative feelings and thoughts in your mind.

2.1. Mind/self-contol (if anger appears): 

Recognize and stop the thoughts (judgements etc.) that feeds the anger. 

And focus your attention on your bodily sensations (muscle cramps, breathing, etc.) till the anger fades away.

If you find it hard to stop negativ thoughts, replace them by mantras like: "anger is poison, and holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting the other person to die". 

Remind yourself that you do not let the other person's anger, bitterness, bad day posion you. Ask yourself, do you let another person "hijack" your moments? I keep my peace!

Also, Prevent aggression via self-control: Do not mirror the other person like a dog, barks if the other barks. Stick to your standards (e.g. I'm sophisticated and so I'm not a person who shouts into other person's face).

Again, Vipassana meditation teaches you how to watch your mental states and physical sensations in real-time. Watch and monitor your anger in real-time, you'll see it goes away quickly. Here is a post on it:

The oldest effective meditation for self-awareness

Practice #3. Cultivate compassion (understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings)

When you get into a difficult situation that triggers your anger, retain compassion by understanding that your opponent has been caught up in a toxic state of mind (e.g. stream of anger, ignorance, jealousy, etc.)
If you find yourselves unable to feel compassion, it is usually a sign that you fail to cultivate compassion toward yourself. When we are internally violent toward ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate toward others.

3.1. Compassion and loving-kindness exercise:
Contemplate (visualize) the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering
for yourself first, then
for a loved one,
for an acquaintance,
for a difficult person, and finally
for all sentient beings.
Repeat this utterance: “May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.” Feel the compassion, loving kindness emotionally, not simply repeat phrases cognitively. Notice visceral sensations, especially in the area of the heart. Here is a post on it:
The #1 simplest meditation technique that stimulates your brain and generate well-bein


Practice #4. Identify your needs behind your feelings

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Ask yourself "when i make that judgement of a person, what am i needing and not getting?" 

Or alternatively, listen to people compassionately what they need and not getting. Respond compassionatley and rephrase their feelings so they see you care and understand them (e.g. “I am sorry you have a bad day. I want you to be happy”, etc.)

If you want to express your mind to the other person appropriately: 

An essential book on how to acknowledge our needs and express them is Non-violent communication, the language of life written by Marshall Rosenberg (his master was Carl Rogers, the creator of humanistic approach to psychology). Here is a summary with excerpts: 

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

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