Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Self-awareness, The effective meditation to become a yoga master

If you generally feel not quite happy or discontented, if you lack peace of mind, or you feel stressed or anxious, and you don't know why all this is and you want to liberate yourself, this practice may lead you to freedom, peace, tranquillity and happiness.

1, The essence of the Practice of Noticing/Monitoring

We are often not aware of what is going on in our mind, we usually are lost in thought, and not aware of our anger, fear, likes and dislikes, envy, greed, lust, sensual desires, craving, clinging, unawareness, delusion, conceit, restlessness, sloth, and other unwholesome mental states.

As a result of our unawareness,  our attention is automatically directed by external and internal stimuli, triggering our habitual reactions, we act like a lizard, consequently resulting in unhappiness and suffering. If you generally feel unsatisfactory or feel anxious frequently, then there is something important you are not aware of.

The fruits of this contemplative practice include gaining an imperturbable mind, a deep sense of tranquillity and contentment, and being fully aware and taking equanimously whatever comes in our way. Also, you develop the skill to recognize and identify your emotions, and regulate them by making an effort to avoid unwholesome mental states and cultivate a wholesome mind.

This can be done via observing, comprehending every moment of your experience, observing how the mind's attention goes from one thing to another. Everything we experience comes through the six sense-doors: eye/seeing, ear/hearing, nose/smelling, tongue/tasting, body/touching, mind/thinking, and experienced as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. 

We can look at the world through this phenomenological understanding versus through concepts (beliefs, evaluations). By understanding our experience, seeing the body and mind as it is, we can overcome suffering.

When you get familiar with meditation techniques you may notice that there are two types of methods. One is practiced from ancient times by Vedic seers (rishi),  yogis, and ascetics. They try to glue the mind's attention on one object or state (e.g. chanting sacred utterances 'mantra', gazing a yantra, mandala, or visualizing deities or chakras, or generate states such as loving-kindness 'metta', etc.), and try to exclude everything else in order to transcend the limitations of the ordinary mind. If focus is distracted, they bring attention back to the object over and over again till they reach a point where there are no distractions anymore. This meditative absorption starts with a joyful, ecstatic state, which then turns into a deeply relaxed, tranquil, hypnotic kind of state. This prolonged mental focusing can bring temporary relief from everyday stress, however when you are out of this state, you are back in the same unwholesome mental states.

The other method does not require sustained attention on a particular object, process, or mental state, but rather the mind just monitors, notices the content of your experience from a disengaged point of view from moment to moment. This detached awareness notices where the mind's attention moves. It gives us the ability of self-awareness, which is the keystone in emotional intelligence. With this understanding we are able to regulate our mental state, concerning what should be adopted and what should be avoided (wholesome versus unwholesome states) and thus permanent changes can be made in our life. The greatest benefit of this practice is release from the three major defilements or poisons of the mind:  attachment (greed, lust), aversion (hatred), and delusion (taking things personally due to a sense of self, that is, not seeing the impersonal nature of the mental processes), which are the roots of all evil and suffering. We substitute them with generosity, loving- kindness and wisdom.

This latter method is the original meditation method taught by the Buddha, it is called samatha-vipassanā in Pali language, translated as Tranquillity-Insight meditation, (samatha=tranquillity, vipassana=come and see). It has been practiced in Theravada ("Way of the Elders")  Buddhist countries, such as Thailand, Myanmar/Burma, Sri Lanka, Cambodia, Laos.

Meditation masters describe this whole practice with one word: appamāda in Pali (apramāda in Sanskrit अप्रमाद ), its meaning is non-negligence, conscious awareness, mindfulness.

Or with two words: Sati sampajañña in Pali (smṛti saṃprajanya in Sanskrit), its meaning is mindfulness with comprehension.

"a monk knows, when he is going, 'I am going';"  (in Pali,

"gacchanto vā gacchāmīti pajānāti" )

"Ever mindful he breathes in, mindful he breathes out." (in Pali, 

"So sato’va assasati, sato’va passasati.")

 (Pāli Canon, MN10, DN22)

(The original instructions on how to do the exact practice can be found in two of the most celebrated and widely studied discourses in the scriptures of Theravada Buddhism (Pāli Canon). These are the Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta (MN10), and Mahāsatipaṭṭhāna Sutta (DN22), which acting as the foundation for contemporary vipassana meditation practice.)


2, Outline of the practice

The actual method of noticing is to comprehend our experience from moment to moment. The goal is to notice where the attention goes, what phenomena arises at the six sense-doors (eye/seeing, ear/hearing, nose/smelling, tongue/tasting, body/touching, mind/thinking), and comprehend it by silently making an accurate short note of the successive occurrences of phenomena. Pick a word which describes the experience accurately. For example, you make a note like this, there is … "breathing in, breathing out", "walking, walking", "sitting, sitting", "lying down", "standing", "pain", "joy", "happy", "calm",  "seeing", "hearing", "smelling", "tasting", "thinking", "liking", "disliking", "anger", "fear", "lust", "mindful", "wandering" etc. This clear comprehension (Sampajañña in Pali), or conscious awareness will help us in everyday life to recognize when we are worrying or lost in thought, to notice recurring thoughts or obsessions, projections, and other unwholesome mind states that poison our mood and daily life, and so we can replace them with wholesome states such as generosity, loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, tranquillity, neutrality, etc. 

At the beginning, when mindfulness (sati) and concentration (samādhi) are very weak, we spend most of our time making an effort to recognize again and again the unmindful, unaware state of mind, the state when we are not comprehending our experience. When we notice it, we resume comprehension by making a silent note mentally such as "distracted, distracted" "unmindful, unmindful". 

The five major hindrances to meditation are: 

1, Restlessness, unease, stress, for example, wandering in past and future, planning, aka "lost in thought", that is, thinking without knowing that you are thinking. When you recognize it, note it as e.g. "restless" "stressy" "wandering", "planning'', "thinking".

2, Drowsiness or sloth and torpor, note it as e.g. "tired"; 

3 and 4, Attachment or Aversion to phenomena, that is reacting to our experience (phenomena that arise at the six sense-doors) with a lustful mind ("I like it") or get annoyed by it ("I don't like it"), and get involved in thinking about it and want them (what you are experirncing) to be in a particular way. When you recognize the partiality of the mind, you make a mental note of the experience as "liking", "disliking", "wanting", and also relax, release tension in your body.

The partiality of our mind causes a lot of suffering to us. In contrast, a pure mind is in a state of non-judgemental or non-reactive awareness, in which you distinguish bare observation from evaluation, that is you separate what you see, hear, etc. (observation) from what u think and feel about it (evaluation). Thisway we can recognize our urges, habits of reacting to stimuli instead of responding wisely in action, speech, and mind. Clear awareness about the objects of our experience as a replacement to our judgemental thoughts is the first step in learning how to meditate.

When you become mindful at the relevant sense door (seeing, hearing etc.) you are able to avoid defilements from arising (e.g. reacting with lust or aversion). By just simply observing the bare fact of seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, thinking (without recognizing what is that you see, hear etc.),  noting as "seeing", "hearing", "tasting", "smelling", "touching", "thinking", you restrain the senses at the sense-door itself! For example, when you look at anything you say "seeing, seeing"; when somebody is yelling at you, you say mentally "hearing, hearing"; when you are angry with somebody, you don't focus on who and why you are angry at, but just say "angry, angry". The whole point is to lose the object, break the connection with the object of anger. Rather than allowing the mind to give rise to projection or judgement of the object, one simply reminds oneself of the true nature of the object as it is. The acknowledgement is a replacement for the distracted thoughts that lead one to extrapolate upon the object, seeing it as “good”, “bad, “me”, “mine”, and so on.

Thus, in this mode of perception recommended by the Buddha that he calls "entry into emptiness ('suññatā')", one simply notes the presence or absence of phenomena, without making further assumptions about them. (It looks at experiences and processes simply as events, with no reference to the question of whether there are any "things" lying behind those events, or of whether the events can be said really to exist.")

Each experience only lasts a single moment, so it is important to note experiences at the moment they occur, recognizing their arising, persisting, and ceasing, using an accurate word to create a clear awareness of their essential nature.

If you miss restraining at this first checkpoint, you will need to make effort to rid of defilements that have already arisen e.g. thoughts of sense desire, aversion, etc.

True, complete practice is an awareness of all of the mental and physical phenomena that constantly arise at the six sense doors (seeing/eye, hearing/ear, smelling/nose, tasting/tongue, touching/body, thinking/mind). 

However, because concentration and awareness are not strong enough in the beginning, therefore  we initially focus just on a few easily noticeable phenomena, for example, on the rise and fall of the abdomen (breathing in and out) when practicing sitting meditation, and on stepping when we do walking meditation. (This is called primary object.) Later, when your practice matures, you will be able to note many objects as they arise.

"The moments of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, and thinking occur very swiftly. It will not be possible for a beginner to follow these on all successive incidents as they occur because his mindfulness (sati) and concentration (samādhi) are still very weak. It seems that seeing, hearing, thinking and imagining always occur simultaneously. it is not possible to distinguish which occurs first and which second. A beginner need not, therefore, follow up on many things. He needs to begin with only a few things."

"Seeing or hearing occurs only when due attention is given to their objects. Smelling rarely occurs. The experience of tasting can only occur while one is eating. In the case of seeing, hearing, smelling and tasting, the meditator can note them when they occur. Body impressions, however, are ever present. They usually exist distinctly all the time."

The Buddha's way of mindfulness (sati) consists of 4 domains we can apply mindful attention to aiding the development of a wholesome state of mind. It is called Satipaṭṭhāna in Pali;  establishment of 'sati'=mindfulness (to bear in mind, to remember). The are: 

(1) the contemplation of the body, 

(2) the contemplation of feelings, 

(3) the contemplation of mind states, and 

(4) the contemplation of mind objects or dhammās, which regards thoughts, ideas, concepts. It includes key principles or categories of the Buddha's teaching.

>Contemplation of the body (kāyānupassanā in Pali) includes the contemplation of:

- the four main body postures of sitting, standing, walking, or lying down; 

- contemplation of breathing (ānāpānasati in Pali); 

- contemplation of the four elements (perceived as sensations such as hardness or softness -- earth, heat or coldness -- fire, tension, tightness, or looseness --air, and cohesion -- water element is subtle); 

- contemplation of repulsiveness of the body parts (recommended if you are lustful); and 

- contemplation of the decay of a body.

> Contemplation of feeling (vedanānupassanā in Pali) is the contemplation of pleasing ("happy), displeasing ("pain") and neutral sensations ("calm).

> Contemplation of mind (cittānupassanā in Pali) is the contemplation of mental activities pl.thinking, imagining, planning, volition, and emotions such as, joy, excited, surprised, sad, angry, disgusted, bored, fearful, contempt, envy, also, concentrated mind, exalted, liberated mind, etc.

> Contemplation of dhammas (dhammanupassana in Pali) includes five schemes:

- the five hindrances to mental clarity (restlessness, drowsiness, lust, aversion, and doubt in the usefulness of meditation); 

- the five aggregates of clinging, these are temporary conditioned phenomena that makes up each moment of our experience, and create a sense of self (form/matter, feeling, perception, mental formations, consciousness). Start this contemplation with questions such as 'What is a being ?' or 'What is it that is called "I", "me" ?'

- the six pairs of internal and external sense bases (eye/sight, ear/sound, nose/smell, tongue/taste, body/touch, mind/thoughts); 

- the seven factors of enlightenment or wakefulness are signs that the practice is going well (mindfulness, investigation of mental phenomena, energy/effort, joy, tranquillity, concentration, equanimity); and 

- the Four Noble Truths, which encompass the Noble Eightfold Path. 


Your practice looks like this:

"During the time that one is sitting, the body impression of stiffness or the sensation of hardness in this position is distinctly felt. Attention should therefore be fixed on the sitting posture and a note made as “sitting, sitting, sitting.” 

"It may be found that the exercise of observing the mere sitting posture is too easy and does not require much effort. One will generally feel lazy and will not want to carry on the noting as “sitting, sitting, sitting” repeatedly for a considerable length of time. It is a state of sloth and torpor. More energy should be developed, and for this purpose, the number of objects for noting should be increased. After noting as “sitting,” the attention should be directed to a spot in the body where the sense of touch is felt and a note made as “touching.” The noting should thus be repeated using these two objects of the sitting posture and the place of touching alternately, as “sitting, touching, sitting, touching, sitting, touching.”

 "A simpler and easier form of the exercise for a beginner is this: With every breath there occurs in the abdomen a rising-falling movement. This rising-falling movement is easy to observe because it is coarse and therefore more suitable for the beginner. A beginner should start with the exercise of noting this movement. A mental note should be made as “rising” for the upward movement of the abdomen and “falling” for the downward movement. If these movements are not clearly noticed by simply fixing the mind on them, one or both hands should be placed on the abdomen.

The disciple should not try to change the manner of his natural breathing. He should neither attempt slow breathing by the retention of his breath, nor quick breathing or deep breathing. If he does change the natural flow of his breathing, he will soon tire himself. He must therefore keep to the natural rate of his breathing and proceed with the contemplation of rising and falling."

"Never verbally repeat the words, "rising, falling", and do not think of rising and falling as words. Be aware only of the actual process of the rising and falling movements of the abdomen as they occur in the course of normal breathing."

"You may feel at times that breathing is slow or that the rising and falling movements are not clearly perceived. When this happens, and you are in the sitting position, simply move the attention to "sitting", "touching".

"The same manner of contemplation by noting the movements as “rising, falling, rising, falling” should be carried out while one is in the lying posture."

"In the case of walking, the meditator should start the exercise by noting as “right step, left step,” or "stepping right, stepping left" or “walking, walking” while walking quickly. And by noting as “lifting, moving, placing” while walking slowly."

"If unpleasant feelings of stiffness or pain etc. arise, these sensations also should be noted as they occur, e.g. “stiff, stiff”, “hot, hot” “painful, painful”  “tired, tired” and so on."

"While occupied with the exercise of observing each of the abdominal movements, other mental activities may occur between the noting of each rising and falling. Thoughts or other mental functions, such as intentions, ideas, imaginings, are likely to occur between each mental note of rising and falling. They cannot be disregarded. A mental note must be made of each as it occurs. If you imagine something, you must know that you have done so and make a mental note, "imagining". If you simply think of something, mentally note, "thinking". If you reflect, "reflecting". If you intend to do something, "intending". When the mind wanders from the object of meditation which is the rising and falling of the abdomen, mentally note, "wandering". Should you imagine you are going to a certain place, note "going". When you arrive, "arriving". When, in your thoughts, you meet a person, note "meeting". Should you speak to him or her, "speaking". If you imaginarily argue with that person, note "arguing". If you envision or imagine a light or colour, be sure to note "seeing". A mental vision must be noted on each occurrence of its appearance until it passes away. On noting once or twice the mind usually stops wandering, then the exercise of noting “rising, falling” should be continued.

"If there is then nothing in particular to be noted, the usual exercise of noting “rising, falling” should be reverted to."

When you advance in your practice, every occasion of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching should be noted as “seeing, seeing", "hearing, hearing”, “smelling, smelling”,  “tasting, tasting "touching, touching".

"Contemplation should start at the moment you wake up. Since you are a beginner, it may not be possible yet for you to start contemplating at the very first moment of wakefulness. But you should start with it when you remember that you are to contemplate. For example, if on awakening you reflect on something, you should become aware of the fact and begin your contemplation by a mental note, "reflecting". Then proceed with the contemplation of rising and falling. When getting up from the bed, mindfulness should be directed to every detail of the body's activity. Each movement of the hands, legs and rump must be performed in complete awareness. Do you intend to get out of bed? If so, note "intending". If you prepare to move the body into position for rising, note "preparing". As you slowly rise, "rising". Should you remain sitting for any length of time, revert to contemplating the abdominal movements."

(The source of the above excerpts: Satipaṭṭhāna Vipassanā, Insight through Mindfulness; written by a contemporary Burmese monk, The Venerable Mahāsi Sayādaw. And also from his Manual of Insight, 5th chapter.)


3, Attaining a meditative state of mind

The above described basic practice is a way to attain a meditative state of mind. With practice, your concentration and mindfulness become stronger, the mind becomes able to focus attention for a longer period of time and doesn't lose mindfulness (awareness, comprehension,  contemplation of experience), that is distractions, sense desire and unwholesome states subside. You will notice that the mind gets still, free from verbal chatter, and aware. That is where true meditation starts (jhana in Pali, dhyana in Sanskrit). 

You go through stages (8 stages), where your mind gets freed from thinking and becomes joyful, then more and more calm and peaceful, eventually it reaches imperturbable tranquility, free from sensations both pleasant and unpleasant, and takes equanimously whatever experience, phenomena arises ("neutrality").

You will notice that at every time of noting, there is always a pair, the object (materiality, rūpa) and the mind which knows the object (mentality, nāma). The two elements of materiality (e.g. rising or falling movements of the abdomen) and mentality (=knowing) are linked up in pairs and their arising or disappearance coincides. You can also notice conditionality ("cause and effect"): there is no experience if there is no object, and also there is no experience if the mind does not go toward the object.

Then, your awareness becomes sharper than ever, you feel as if space is expanding, then you notice phenomena arising and passing away continuously one after the other (this is "impermanence"). As soon as you place your attention on some aspect of your experience, it disappears. You also notice the impersonal nature of this process, it just happens by itself and you are not in control of it ("not-self"). The sense of the body disappears; all that is left is a series of apparently disconnected individual sensations. And because phenomena continuously arise and disappear, it is unsatisfactory and not attractive at all ("suffering"). So you get disenchanted with it and wish it to cease. 

If you keep contemplating, then, you will notice that less and less phenomena arise. The empty space between arising phenomena is where emptiness, nothingness is. If you focus on this emptiness, you will reach a state where it may seem unclear whether you are awake or asleep. And there could be a point when it seemed that all phenomena ceased and awareness was gone for a short time. It is a glimpse into liberation from suffering (nibbana in Pali, nirvana in Sanskrit).


The above described practice is included in the Noble Eightfold path, which is the Buddhist way of life, the way leading to the cessation of suffering. The eight factors aim at promoting and perfecting the three essentials of Buddhist training and discipline: namely: Ethical Conduct 'sila' (includes right conduct, speech and livelihood); Mental Discipline 'samadhi' (includes right effort, mindfulness and concentration); and Wisdom 'panna' (includes right view and intention). The whole teaching of the Buddha deals with this Path. He explained it in different ways and in different words to different people, according to the stage of their development and capacity. It is self-discipline in body, speech and mind, self-development and self-purification.

A true complete practice starts with taking the 5 or 8 precepts: avoiding bodily misbehaviors such as killing and hurting sentient beings, stealing, sexual misconduct, and taking intoxicants; and verbal precepts such as no Lying or deception, Harsh speech, Divisive speech or slander, and Idle chatter; topped with right livelihood. These are the pillars of morality (sila), which is built on the conception of universal love and compassion for all living beings.

☆ The End ☆

!!! NEXT STEP: the practice of wholesome, right speech: Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

                             ☆

An excellent explanation of the complete Buddhist practice, by a contemporary monk, can be found at the Youtube channel of Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu:

How mindfulness creates understanding

A complete practice

Realizations on the path

Practical application of the Noble Eightfold Path

How to meditate

> His book: How To Meditate: A Beginner's Guide to Peace, by Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu, 52pages. (Free distribution)

                               ☆

Suggested readings and talks:

>Tibetan Buddhist monk TEDtalk: The habits of happiness

>What the Buddha Taught, by Theravadin Walpola Rahula, is a widely used introductory book on Buddhism for non-Buddhists

>Wings to Awakening, An Anthology from the Pali Canon by Thanissaro Bhikkhu (Geoffrey DeGraff). The wings of awakening

> New research on Perception!!  TEDtalk: Psychosis: Bending reality to see around the corners

>Pali Canon, DN 2 Samaññaphala Sutta: The Fruits of the Contemplative Life, (This discourse is one of the masterpieces of the Pali canon. At heart, it is a comprehensive portrait of the Buddhist path of training, illustrating each stage of the training with vivid similes. It also provides one of the most detailed accounts in the Sutta Pitaka of the Buddhist community's code of ethical behavior.)

                  ☆

I wish you peace, happiness and freedom from suffering.





Wednesday, March 14, 2018

How to get rid of disliked traits and habits: The science of conditioning



You probaly already know a lot of techniques how to control and motivate yourself and how to influence others. The mechanisms of these processes have been rigorously studied in the last hundred years through experimental psychology. Read and learn how you can exploit this knowledge and use it to your advantage.

A quick test to start. How were you reinforced as a kid and how do you reinforce your child?

Choise 1. Do you give attention and praise your children when they accomplish things (e.g. “nice drawing”, “see, your effort was  very productive”, etc.), and in addition, you do not overly criticize, belittle and attack them when they make mistakes (e.g. “you are a bad kid” “you cannot even tie your shoe”, “you will end up in jail one day”, etc.)?

Choise 2. Do you give attention mostly when they get injured, hurt and miserable, and do not give much attention when everything is going well?

Choise 3. Do you give attention only when they make trouble or make mistakes?

Attention = Reinforcement,
thus attention strengthen the behavior that preceeds it.
In the first scenario of the above test, you reinforce achievements and so you raise high achievers. In the second scenario, your child learn that self-pity is a useful way to get attention, love and sympathy. However, later she/he has to realize that it is not a attractive trait in adulthood. In the third case, mischief-makers cause difficulties to others and themself and may also end up in jail, indeed. Of course, the end result is much more complicated since many factors affect a child during development.

 People' overt behavior are configured through classical (pavlovian)  and operant conditioning, and also via modelling (observing the behavior of others).
Thoughts (= actions of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them.

Our past experiences (including early childhood experiences) determine our present behavior, speech and thinking. Behaviors that received strong reinforcement for many years during childhood tend to be unchanged and hard to stop even years later when environmetal conditions change.

 Pavlovian conditioning
(Ivan Pavlov experiments with dogs, 1890s) occurs when some neutral stimulus (e.g. sight of a bee) is so closely associated with an existing reflex (e.g. sting causes pain and aversion) that it takes on the power to elicit the reflexive response (e.g. sight of a bee elicits aversion).

[A reflex consists of a stimulus-response sequence, in which some stimulus (unconditioned stimulus= no need to learn) elicits a biological based response including physical and emotional response, either pleasurable or painful e.g. bee sting elicits pain and aversion, bad food elicits vomiting and aversion, good food elicit salivation and pleasure, painful blows elicit increased heart rate and fear, gentle touch elicits tranquillity.]
(suggested reading: Behavior principles in everyday life by John D. and Janice I. Baldwin)

Cues that most reliable precede and predict the onset of a relfex are the stimuli that become conditioned/learnt stimuli. If you want to better understand your feelings and emotions, play closer attention to the stimuli that precede and predicts them.
Conditioned reflexes can lose power and disappear over time (extinction), if the conditioned stimulus appears without being followed by the unconditioned stimulus and reflex  („time heals old wounds”). Extinction cannot take place if the person avoids contacts with a conditioned stimuli that would neutralize it (e.g. after an accident the person avoids driving). Thus, conditioned fears and anxieties are less likely to extinguish naturally than are conditioned pleasures. Therapeutic extinctions involves having a person confront a fear-inducing conditioned stimulus in a safe environment that is free of aversive stimuli.

The pavlovian mechanism can be exploited to influence your own or others' mental states. Setting up environmental cues (e.g. image, word, imaginary, etc.), you can elicit a particular feeling in yourself or others (e.g. if you want to induce high performance put a picture of a race-winning athlete, if you want to facilitate deep thinking put a picture of Roden's thinker, or ask women's phone number in front of a flower shop that elicit romantic feelings). (suggested reading: Pre-suasion by Robert Cialdini)

You can also create new associations deliberately (a.k.a. anchoring), and link together a chosen signal with a desired mental state (e.g. confidence, cheerfulness), and use this anchor cue signal (e.g. physical signal, gesture, a specific smell, music, symbol, color, etc.), when you wish to call up that emotion instantly.
The first step is to create the link between the anchor and the desired emotion. Visualize a past experience and re-live it many times (you need to feel permeated by the emotion) and at the pick apply the choosen anchor (e.g. smell, physical signal, etc.). For  instance, press together thumb and index finger or clap together your palms while you are at the pick of feeling confident, or smile while you are at the pick experience of cheerfulness, or get a sniff of a smell). Repeat the process many times to create the link successfully. Later you can call up the feeling instantly with applying the anchor (e.g. pressing together the fingers, clapping together your palms, or smiling).

 Operant conditioning
 (Edward Thorndike experiments with cats 1898, B.F. Skinner experiments with rats and pigeons, 1938) occurs when an operant (action) is followed by either reinforcement
(positive reinforcement= receiving a reward, or negative reinforcement= escaping or avoiding a bad experience)
 or punishment (positive punishment= addition of aversive stimulus, negative punishment= substraction of award), thus it strengthen or suppress that behavior. Pavlovian conditioning often occurs as a natural by-product of operant conditioning, thus performing a behavior elicit emotional responses.

It can be used to induce desired emotions „fake it until you make it”, for instance, to feel happier, smile long enough and eventually it induces a feeling of happiness; or in order to boost your self-esteem and be more confident, strike expansive poses (e.g. sit erect with hands behind the head, or stand with extended hands above your head looking upon the sky).


How parents teach wicked or useless behavior?

Some children learn to be polite early in life, if this behaviour is associated with generous levels of reinforcement over long periods of time, and later these kids feel natural to be kind to others.
The same goes for undesirable behaviors, for instance many people retain „childish behaviors”, such as whining, pouting, crying, doing self-pity, being a nuisance in adulthood. Although childish behaviors often cause parents to give their child abundant social attention and social reinforcers, immature behavior often prevents people from developing high quality relationships in their adulthood.

Children who receive frequent noncontingent reinforcement (that is receiving free rewards without doing anything that takes effort) can acquire learned laziness. Children who are showered with toys, attention, and treats by doting parents often become „spoiled”, and  develop passivity, apathy, and lack of motivation.

In contrast, people who receive frequent noncontingent punishment (that is no relationship between the person's behavior and the punishment) can develop learned helplessness involving passivity, apathy, and depression. Children raised in highly abusive homes, when parents take out their anger on the children, and there is not much they can do to avoid the physical and verbal abuse, gradually, attempts to avoid punishment extinguish, and the victims learn to accept the pain passively. Once people developed learned helplessness, they often learn to  tolerate abuses even when they could avoid it.


How parents teach negative thinking?

Thoughts (action of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them.
If a person has often experienced trauma, failure, disappointment, or other punishers after optimistically planning for future events, the punishment can supress optimistic thinking.
Similarly, if negative thoughts and worries are reinforced (e.g. receiving sympathy), that person end up worrying all the time. Also, the production of creative thoughts can be increased through reinforcement by rewarding yourself with positive self-comments (e.g. „that was wonderful”) after noticing each clever idea.

Some children learn to escape social punishment by being self-critical and self-punitive because their behavior often reduces the likelihood that other people will punish their transgressions. (negative reinforcement=escaping a bad experience). Because escape and avoidance behavior can be very resistant to extinction, these individuals may continue to engage in self-punishing thoughts long after there is any reason to do so.

Thoughts can become conditioned stimuli through pavlovian conditioning, that can elicit conditioned responses including pleasurable or painful emotions (e.g. daydreaming or thinking of a loved one elicit pleasure; thinking of an embarrasing experience elicit discomfort).
 If negative thoughts and worries elicit aversive responses, why do some people end up worrying all the time? There are several reinforcers that outweight the pain of the negative thoughts such as escaping from major problems (e.g. worrying about an exam, one plan ahead with studying hard), thus worry is a type of problem-solving behavior. Social reinforcement (e.g. receiving sympathy- positive social reinforcement) also can strengthen the habits of worrying. And finally, once these reinforcements causes a person to begin worrying, they are further reinforced by sensory stimulation (a lesser-known reinforcer) generating dozens of novel worries  resulting in a long chain of thoughts.

Thoughts condition other thoughts through pavlovian conditioning, thus for instance, thoughts that precede and predict positive thoughts also become increasingly pleasurable (e.g. when you fall in love, you find that many of the things that your loved one likes also becomes more appealing to you).
Similarly, thoughts that precede and predict negative thoughts also become increasingly painful (e.g. thoughts about nuclear power elicit aversive feelings after bad experience). People who worry a great deal may inadvertently condition a large-number of once-neutral thoughts into fear eliciting conditioned stimuli (e.g. after a person has learned to be afraid of dying in an airplane accident, while worrying about the details, this person may happen to think about driving and imagine there could be a car accident, and  then that person may become worrying about other kinds of travel, and eventually end up developing agoraphobia.



How to  prevent the plague of irrational thoughts and worry?

Developing adequate reasoning skills is a good way to prevent the plague of irrational thoughts and fears that magnify problems. Rational decision method involves steps:

1. List as many alternative choices as feasible in a choice situation;

2. List the immediate and long-term consequences, pros (+) and cons (-) (positive and negative thoughts that comes to your mind) of each choice;

3. Then honestly evaluating all the pros and cons of each alternative, without biases.

When people do not follow the guidelines, they often focus on the immediate consequences of the most conspicuous choices, which narrows their range of choices, and they also may bias their selection in favor of immediate gratification rather than long-term planning. People who have not been reinforced for reasoning may find this task so effortful and unpleasant that they skip the evaluation process and fail to reach a well-reasoned decision.

In addition, developing self-control skills help to better manage your thoughts, moods, behaviors and habits (e.g. eating, exercise, politeness). Self-control involves

1. self-observation and self-descriptions (e.g. “I have extra weight”),

2. self-evaluation in terms of goals (e.g. “my physical fitness needs to be improved”),

3. goal-oriented self-instruction (e.g. “I start working out 3 times a week”), and

4. reinforcement (e.g. beyond feeling better you may use verbal self-reinforcement also “I am awesome and glad I resolved my fitness issues”).



Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home

3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness



Thursday, February 8, 2018

When friendliness is not an option. What to do with the wicked? Here is the best guide to save your coolness


It is challenging to keep your tranquillity when you meet a difficult person, irrational, childlike, egocentric, totally  inconsiderate person who do not understand "no", shows no signs of empathy, and uses people as a mean to get further in life.

The wisdom comes into play like this: you do not let the poison of anger contaminate your mind and taking away delight from your precious moments. This article is about how you can train your mind to remain cool.

If you mirror the person and get angry yourself, then you have to make effort to suppress your urge to act out your anger. Agrresive behavior, any kind including verbal aggression can get you in danger. Until these people start reading on self-development and emotional intelligence, or start meditation or Western psychotherapy that help them realize their immature, egocentric, narcissistic" character, which is actually very common nowadays, you'd better learn how to develope and maintain an imperturbable inner peace in order to shake off these external negative stimuli.

First, Understand that what people do and say maybe the stimulus but never the cause of our anger. The cause of our anger lies in our thinking. Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our needs and expectations in that moment. The interpretations in my own head that produce anger, in thoughts of blame, judgements, labels, and thoughts of what people should do and what they deserve.  Therefore, we need to monitor our mental states.
For example, we realize that we want/expect the other person be different from what they are (e.g. we want them to act like a mature person and so they fit to our needs). We want something that is impossible, and we got frustrated and angry. If we don't want to be unhappy, we need to train ourself not to want impossible things. What to do?  If you can, Remove yourself from the situation. Or focus on problem-solving, what is the real problem and what is the solution for the problem.

Second, Cultivating wisdom, loving-kindness (goodwill) and compassion (that is understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings) is a great way to neutralize your negative emotions and to generate positive feelings.
A Tibetan lama once said that the greatest danger he faced in the face of cruelty was to lose compassion toward the wicked.

You can train your mind to prevent or reduce the development of negative mental states. Here there are the fundamentals how to step on the way of the Tibetan lamas in the stressful Western world and preserve (or gain) tranquillity and joy.

Practice #1. Prevent anger (via monitoring perception, thoughts and likes/dislikes)

1.1. One easy exercise, to start to develop a mind that is able to prevent the arising of unwholesome mental states, is to getting into the habit of distinguishing observation from evaluation, that is separate what you see, hear, taste, smell, touch (observation) and what you think and feel about it (evaluation).

We usually get angry because we automatically assume that the other person intentionally try to cause harm, thus we "take their behavior personally". The root of many evil is wrong perception.

1.2. Open mind-set exercise (silencing your thoughts, self-talk):
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts.
Observe an external object, a phenomenon, an event, an object (e.g. sunset, music, house, animal, etc.) or a person with pure awareness, that is objective, unbiased, free from judgement, thus silence your thoughts, mental evaluation, make no judgements and assumptions. When you observe an object, try to memorize how it looks. When you observe a person, focus on her movements, face, voice, and make no evaluations.

1.3. In order to monitor all mental states: 
Learn Vipassana meditation ! to see reality clearly. Vipassana meditation is the original meditation method taught by the Buddha to see reality as it is, to see the partiality of our mind, and how it creates our suffering. There are so many meditation technique to create calmness temporarily, but this one makes real changes in one's life. Here is my post on it:
And here is a video on youtube, in which a Thai theravadin Buddhist monk explains it:  Vipassana meditation

With Self-awareness (real-time monitoring of your mental states, emotions) and Self-regulation, you will also be able to understand the mental states and emotions of others. 
Your tolerance will be increased by learning to see the situation from the other person's viewpoint, putting yourself "in the other person's shoes" and realize their motives and pain.  
When you judge someone you are really saying that “I do not want to understand you”.

Let's go back to the original example in the intro. Try to imagine what happened to these  egocentric, narcissistic people, how they become or remained so unconsiderate. Understand that people may not be aware of their self-centered attitude and narcissistic character, which resembles undecayed childhood egocentric view. 
The egocentric child assumes that other people see, hear, and feel exactly the same as he does (Jean Piaget experiements in 1950s). This egocentric view declines due to cognitive development, confrontation with reality and socialization, so the child gains empathy (they will be able to see a situation from another person's point of view), feel the pain of the other. In the absence of these shaping, the child cannot learn that skill (e.g. if the parents are narcissistic themself or neglect their children, or not assertive and act as servants, etc.). These children later in adulthood  have a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, and continue to crave for constant attention and admiration, because for them love=attention. They may have a grandiose sense of self-importance and superiority, and fantasized of unlimited success, power and beauty, and feel elected to change the world. They express arrogance, disrespect, and get upset when people do not measure up to their expectation, and they have a hard time to accept constructive feedback, and reacted with rage, humiliation or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. Although narcissistic people are surrounded by a mass of people, they find it hard to go beyond superficial relationships, only those can tolerate and stay with them who are willing to serve them. Often they cannot measure up to their own expectations, and they run into failure and often end up in bitterness, anxiety, inactivity and depression. A narcissistic person is like a four year old in an adult body, emotinally immature, and need rather your compassion. But of course, it is understandable if you do not want such a person around you as you do not want a crocodile next to you. 
So understanding is not about making excuses for the other person, it is for being able to protect ourself from poisonous anger and rather feel compassion.

Observe the person like a scientist with open-mind without judgement. Try to sense and feel what is going on in the other person. Observe the gestures, body language, the words the person uses. Listen to the use of words, which tells a lot of secrects about the person since "we do not see things as they are, we see thing as we are".
You can also identify and remove your unconscious stumbling blocks of success:
18 thinking patterns that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have


Practice #2. Regulate negative emotions (via monitoring mental states and emotions, and behavior/self-control)
When you face an inconsiderate, unfriendly or aggressive person, don't just show polite indifference and walk away while you are suffocated with rage and then discharge it on vulnerable people (e.g. assistant, your child, spouse), but pacify and prevent the accumulation of negative feelings and thoughts in your mind.

2.1. Mind/self-contol (if anger appears): 
Recognize and stop the thoughts (judgements etc.) that feeds the anger. 
And focus your attention on your bodily sensations (muscle cramps, breathing, etc.) till the anger fades away.
If you find it hard to stop negativ thoughts, replace them by mantras like: "anger is poison, and holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting the other person to die". 
Remind yourself that you do not let the other person's anger, bitterness, bad day posion you. Ask yourself, do you let another person "hijack" your moments? I keep my peace!
Also, Prevent aggression via self-control: Do not mirror the other person like a dog, barks if the other barks. Stick to your standards (e.g. I'm sophisticated and so I'm not a person who shouts into other person's face).

Again, Vipassana meditation teaches you how to watch your mental states and physical sensations in real-time. Watch and monitor your anger in real-time, you'll see it goes away quickly. Here is a post on it:


Practice #3. Cultivate compassion (understanding the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering for all sentient beings)

When you get into a difficult situation that triggers your anger, retain compassion by understanding that your opponent has been caught up in a toxic state of mind (e.g. stream of anger, ignorance, jealousy, etc.)
If you find yourselves unable to feel compassion, it is usually a sign that you fail to cultivate compassion toward yourself. When we are internally violent toward ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate toward others.

3.1. Compassion and loving-kindness exercise:
Contemplate (visualize) the suffering and then wishing the freedom from that suffering
for yourself first, then
for a loved one,
for an acquaintance,
for a difficult person, and finally
for all sentient beings.
Repeat this utterance: “May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy and ease.” Feel the compassion, loving kindness emotionally, not simply repeat phrases cognitively. Notice visceral sensations, especially in the area of the heart. Here is a post on it:
The #1 simplest meditation technique that stimulates your brain and generate well-bein


Practice #4. Identify your needs behind your feelings

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Ask yourself "when i make that judgement of a person, what am i needing and not getting?" 

Or alternatively, listen to people compassionately what they need and not getting. Respond compassionatley and rephrase their feelings so they see you care and understand them (e.g. “I am sorry you have a bad day. I want you to be happy”, etc.)

If you want to express your mind to the other person appropriately: 
An essential book on how to acknowledge our needs and express them is Non-violent communication, the language of life written by Marshall Rosenberg (his master was Carl Rogers, the creator of humanistic approach to psychology). Here is a summary with excerpts: 
Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

When only you cannot see your real self: 3 major obstacles of self-coaching



Successful outcome of self-training not only depends on the right approach and exercises but it is also a matter of being aware of the unconscious hindrances on the way, which take you off track and undermines your greatest effort and perseverance toward change.


Obstacle #1: Self-deception

You need to see yourself clearly and identify your challenges in order to change yourself (your destiny). Inaccurate self-assessment due to self-deception is one of the major hindrance.

We protect ourself via unconscious self-defense mechanisms from feeling uncomfortable or anxious (e.g. shame, guilt) when we feel, think or do something that is unacceptable, or when someone points out our imperfections. This way we are able to maintain our positive self-image (“I am a good person”) and eventually we may end up in total irreality.

Self-defense manifests in many forms, and come into play
1. at the level of perception (the unacceptable thing does not even enter consciousness), or
2. at the level of interpretation (reframing its significance),
3. at the level of actions (actively neutrize it).

Thus,
¤ We either refuse to accept reality or fact, acting as if an event, thought or feeling did not exist (denial) e.g. addiction problems.
¤ We misattribute our undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses, e.g. you think a person is jealous of you, when in fact it is you who is jealous (projection).
¤  We justify and explain our behavior or blame external circumstances or people,  e.g. "it is because ....", "I hurt you because you were this 'n' that" (rationalization).
¤ We convert unwanted or harmful thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites, e.g. a person who is incapable of expressing anger may instead be overly kind and generous toward the other person (reaction formation).
¤ Replace an unacceptable feeling for an other e.g. anger with sadness, or sadness with anger, etc. (subtitution)
¤ We express our unacceptable feelings in physical symptoms such as pain or illness e.g. chronic back pain, head aches, etc. (conversion).
¤ We cover up incompetence or feelings of inadequacy in one life area through excellence in another area, e.g. striving for power and dominance (compensation).
¤ Avoiding situations or people who point out our mistakes and flaws.

You can usually identify a defensive response by observing your reactions to the behavior of others.
 "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
(Herman Hesse)

How to get through these self-defenses and set the wheel of self-transormation in motion?
As a good start, you can practice healthy coping methods such as:
1. Compassionate Acceptance: assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a situation without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Evaluate yourself with
- mercy (compassion, understanding, tolerance),
- respect (show consideration or appreciation for the actual qualities),
- humility (considering our own defects, and have a humble self-opinion, avoiding thinking too highly or too meanly of oneself), and
-humor (being critical of ourself humorously).

2. Courage: willingness to confront fear, pain, uncertainty, despair, obstacles, and express your feelings and needs in an assertive and considerate way.

3. Mindfulness (self-awareness): monitoring our feelings,  thoughts, and needs from moment to moment.
Here is the oldest effective meditation technique that can change your life for the better.

4. Sublimation: transforming unhelpful emotions or instincts into healthy actions, behaviours, or emotions, e.g. sport to transform aggression into a game, or practice Tibetan meditations that transmutes the five poisons: anger, greed, lust, jealousy, ignorance into compassion, generosity, vigor, patience, and wisdom.

5. Gratitude: a feeling of thankfulness or
appreciation of people and events. It brings higher levels of happiness.

Fear of judgements (yours or others) can drive you toward self-deception to ease the inner dissonance (anxiety, shame, guilt) and protect your inner stability. The antidote against judgement is compassionate acceptance. You want to maintain an open mind-set free from any judgement. You are what you are. It does not mean that you accept that you will stay that way, it is just means that you accept reality. Observe yourself as a scientist, thus you describe yourself what you are like free from any judgement, and not what you should be like.

Open mind-set practice
Practice this exercise daily for 1-2 minutes to test and reduce “mind coloring” (e.g. judgement, prejudice, assumptions) and to promote creative thoughts. Observe an external object, a phenomenon (e.g. sunset, music, etc.), an event, or a person with pure awareness, that is free from judgement.  If observing an object, try to think of how it works and what else it could be used for. If observing a person, observe face, movements, and voice.

When self-training including self-awareness and introspection are running successfully, you need to be prepared to the shocking experience when you become conscious of your actual behavior and your real self and realize that it is different from your ideal self. You discover your awful characteristics (e.g. greedy, ignorant, selfish, envious, boastful, merciless, fearful, or maybe finding out that you are an abuser, or were a victim of abuse). The self-discovery you acquire provides the opportunity to change your negative qualities and modify your behavior in order to attain your “ideal  self” (who you would like to be).

Here is a post about how to gain self-awareness for accurate self-assesment:
The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to change your life


Obstacle #2: Change is not possible

When you get to the point to face reality and happen to see your real self in the light beyond delusion, you conclude that change is not possible, “it is your nature”.
For instance, you may discover that you  never can be satisfied, and you prefer dwelling on the negative and ignore the positive. Or you create problems when everything is all right and peaceful. Or you have terrible anger outbursts triggered by matterless things. Or you are overly critical, kill your own and everyone's joy, and treat people and yourselves poorly. Or you have childish behavior, you pout if you cannot get your way.

 Since most of our stout characteristics developed during childhood, we think that personality is a rigid, unchangeable and permanent structure, and we cannot see how would that be possible to change our very characteristics, so usually we use acceptance as a copout when someone point out our awful characteristics, leaving no room for personal growth. Personality is not fixed but it changes through experiences. Believe that change is possible!

Here is a post to uncover your "shadow", the unconscious:
18 thought patterns that damage romantic relationships and success in life. How many do you have?


Obstacle #3: Fear of change and sabotage

When you make steps to change your unwanted and awful traits or habits, and it is going well, even then you may back out because you see yourself without that particular trait or habit, and you feel that you are about to lose yourself. You may have a feeling of discomfort with the new person or life you are becoming.
For instance, you have selfish behavior or you are a tough guy, and during introspection you discover that this attitude causes you problems (e.g. you do not have as many friends as you want, cause relationship problems), so you train yourself to change the particular characteristic, and then suddenly you get scared because you get used to be that way, that is selfish or tough.

Finally, be aware that people close to you may attempt to sabotage your endeavor to change yourself because changes disrupt the stable sturcture of the relationships (whether it is healthy or unhealthy). Do not get discouraged, be bold.


Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home

3 relaxing meditation techniques from three traditions (Hindu, Theravadin Buddhist, Japanese Zen)

Compassionate communication: the end of conflicts and unhappiness

Monday, February 5, 2018

The alpha of self-transformation: Here is the #1 skill you need to liberate yourself



Retrospection, during which you look back upon the day before going to sleep and dwell on and evaluate significant events or situations, your actions, achievements and mistakes, thoughts and emotions, is probably a familiar technique to you already.

However, the human mind is not perfect, make false perceptions and biased evaluations, fabricate and distort memory. In order to attenuate or overcome these hindrances and be able to make accurate self-assessment during introspection, the number one skill you need is Self-awareness.

 Here there are two practices in order to improve attention (focus), perceptibility, and memory.

Practice#1
Buddhist Vipassana meditation and mindfulness

Vipassana meditation (“to come and see”) is the most commonly known practice of Theravada Buddhism (prevails in southern regions of Asia including Sri Lanka, Burma and Thailand), in which the practitioners watch their breathing with awareness and observe the self in the moment ("mind watching"). The practice stills the mind, build your mental focus and awareness.

Here is a short description of the Vipassana method: 
Sit in a comfortable position and keep the back upright and balanced. Alternatively, you can lie down on your back.
1. Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply, and focus your attention on the movement of your breath from moment to moment, and withdraw your focus from other objects.
2. When awareness wanders away from your breathing, sensations will appear (thoughts, feelings, emotions, memory, sounds, smell). Just recognize that the mind has wandered, as well as the content without judgment or without reacting, involving in them. Label each sensation with a general mental note such as “thinking”, “hearing”, “feeling”, “memory”, “smelling“, and
3. redirect the attention to the breath if nothing in particular to be noted.
 The goal of this witnessing practice is to be attentively present. By practice, random thoughts and sensations will fall away, and you remain in the present moment more and more.

 Mindfulness is a modern adaptation and can be practiced throughout the day during daily activities (e.g. while speaking pay attention how you speak the words; while walking be aware of your body movements etc.). This practice gives you the real perspective on yourself, you will notice your negative mental states (e.g. angry, greedy, ignorant, selfish, envy, boastful, irritated). Accept the state, examine the feeling and let them fade away. This awareness also make you able to notice your negative qualities, which provide you the opportunity to modify your thoughts and behaviour and to liberate yourself.

Here is a detailed step-by-step guide:


Practice#2
Observation exercises

These preparatory 1-2 minute long simple exercises train memory and awareness of the external world and the self with the final goal to improve self-awareness and self-control. Practice one exercise once a day for 3 days, then move to the next one, then start the cycle again. By time, you will notice that your observations become more accurate. (suggested readings: Book of inner paths by Peter Popper)

Observation exercise #1-4. 
Spontaneous observation of objects and people
#1. Without deliberate prior observation, try to visualize a simple object from your environment (e.g. cup, plant, etc.), then turn back and correct the differences in your internal image. Notice whether in your image you saw cloudy, blurry parts, or you completed the missing parts with false image.

Observation exercise #2. Observe a groups of objects (e.g. items on your table)

Observation exercise #3. Observe complex object (e.g. forefront of a house, details of a street, etc.)

Observation exercise #4. Observe a person's appearance (e.g. clothing, accessories, color of hair and eyes).

Observation exercise #5-8. 
Deliberate observation of objects and people
#5. In the morning on your way, stop for a minute to observe an object in your environment (e.g. a tree, a statue, etc.), then before going to sleep, try to recall the image of the object. Next day stop by again and check and correct the image inside. Notice whether in your image you saw cloudy, blurry parts, or you completed the missing parts with false image.

Observation exercise #6. Observe someone's face in detail you meet every day (e.g. color of the eyes, shape of the eyebrows, nose, mouth, chin, etc.), then before going to sleep, try to recall the face, and also try to find out the message the person's facial expressions send.

Observation exercise #7. Observe someone's physical appearance (arms, chest, legs, etc.) and gestures and body language and try to sense the message that body send.

Observation exercise #8. Observe someone's voice (e.g. tone, volume, pace).

 Observation exercise # 9-12. Introspection exercises
#9. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your facial expressions. Try to reproduce it and look in the mirror what message your facial expressions send? Is that what you wanted to send? Notice if your non-verbal communication send a different message.

Observation exercise #10. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your voice (tone, volume, pace, etc.) and try to sense what message your voice was sending.

Observation exercise #11. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your behavior, gestures, and body language. What message was your body sending?

Observation exercise #12. Recall a critical situation from the day, and recall your entire non-verbal communication including your body language, voice and facial expressions and and try to sense what message you were sending. Is that what you wanted to send?


When you are ready to assess yourself objectively, free of judgement, then describe yourself in terms of behavior, feelings, thoughts, skills, and unconscious drives. Here there are some post how to start:

The very life philosophy that promotes low self-esteem: the hidden stumbling-block of success.


When do you feel worthless? (Make a list)

Do you think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing? 
Do you  think you must never fail? 
Do you think you should always feel happy, confident and strong? 
Do you feel you must impress others to like you? 
Do you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable?

Life philosophy of the Western world (“worthwhileness depends on achievements”) promotes the development of perfectionism and unhealthy self-esteem resulting in heavy load of stress, emotional vulnerability, anxiety and growing cases of depression. If your self-esteem (the capacity to love and respect yourself) has to be earned, thus your worthwhileness depends on conditions such as accomplishments, looks, work achievements, personal relationships etc., you make yourself vulnerable since there will be times when you do not measure up to the criterion you have chosen, and you fail. You will feel ashamed and inferior to others who are more successful and attractive or you will feel worthless if you are rejected or not loved. And so, you will be defensive and sensitive to critics since your self-esteem is on the line, and eventually you will have little capacity to love and respect yourself and other people.
If you have a slight feeling of being not good enough, you need to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy (your approach to living your life).

 Having a healthy self-esteem means that you know and feel that you are worthy simply because you are a (living) being, no matter that you are successful or not.
And so, instead of worrying about whether you are worthy and good enough, each day have goals that involve personal growth, being productive, helping others, improving your relationships, having fun, and learn something (e.g. read philosophy books and see how other people, cultures and religions have been thought of the world and life). Give meaning to your days that will grant the meaning of life.


How to revise your beliefs and personal philosophy?

Your attitude= beliefs, feelings and behavior tendencies toward people, groups, ideas and objects determine the way you live your life and define who you are after all.
Beliefs come from real experiences, and then they influence later experiences (“what you believe what you experience”, it works as a self-fulfilling profecy), thus beliefs are may not based on actual reality but rooted in old experiences and carried over to the present (pre-existing beliefs: assumptions and stereotypes). You act based on what you expect after all not what you want.
Strong beliefs become values that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make, other beliefs not so important remain opinions. Values are also influenced by family, culture, religion, education, and social groups.

Step1. Trace beliefs

Write down briefly the principles of your life, and your beliefs about relationships, people, things and life (expectancies and understanding how things are and how things should be). Here there are some guiding questions. Contemplate on each question for 3 days and write down your answers:

How people, the world, and things are?
How people, the world, and things should be?

How should people live their life?

What is your motto? (e.g. ”work hard, play hard”; etc.)

What are the principles of your life (guiding and moral principles that guide the way you live your life and decisions you make)?

What values do you hold dear and strive for? (e.g. non-violence; truthfulness; courage, openness; loyalty; cleanliness; punctuality; objectivity; creativity - thinking outside the box; integrity - do what you say; authenticity - being the real you;  etc.).

What personal characteristics do you most want? What qualities do you admire in others?

What is wrong and right?

What is a worthwhile person like? What is a worthless person like?

What is a successful person like?

What do you think about failure?

What makes a good friend?

What is true love like?

What advices do you carry from your parents you agree with?

What advice would you give to an infant to succeed in life?

What do you think and feel about race, gender, religion, culture, clothes, lifestyle, money, relationships, success, illegal drugs, abortion, homosexuality, death penalty, voluntary euthanasia, etc.? (“I believe that....”, “I think that....”, “I doubt that...”, “I am certain that....”)


Step2. Detect self-defeating beliefs

Holding self-defeating beliefs can manifest as negative thinking and judgemental attitude. You may not be aware of your negative thoughts and the underlying beliefs, which unconsciously block the way to success. Here there are three ways to detect negative thoughts.

#1.
 Record your self-talk for a while to see whether you have damaging self-critics. Write down your internal dialogs daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).

Here is a post how to challenge and eliminate negative thoughts once and for all: What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts

#2.
 You can find out damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of  things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and put you down (e.g. you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough, etc.).

#3.
 After you list your negative thoughts, pick a negative thought (or worry) to identify underlying beliefs. Write it down the negative thought and draw a vertical arrow and write down what does it mean to you?, and again, draw an arrow and write down why what does it mean to you, and again and again, therefor you generate a series of negatives thoughts that lead you to the final underlying self-defeating beliefs.

For instance, a negative thought:
“I am a total loser”... what does it mean to you?.....“I cannot do anything right”......... what does it mean to you?......“I should always be successful and never fail”;
Or here is a worry:
"they will not like me if I say 'no' to requests”........ what does it mean to you?.....”they will think that I am defiant and argumentative”......... what does it mean to you?.....”they will not like me”........ what does it mean to you??.....”I am worthless and will be miserable if people don't like me”).


Step3. Identify distortions in beliefs

Identify distortions in your beliefs, whether you have any signs of perfectionism, and  whether you make your worthwhileness depend on conditions.  Signs of perfectionism:

· You think you must have a perfect physical appearance to be appealing (physical perfectionism).

· You  think you must never fail and make a mistake and you become self-critical and feel like a failure if you make mistakes (achievement/performance perfectionism).

· You feel stresses and driven by fear of failure rather than by enthusiasm.

· Your accomplishments never seem to satisfy you.

· You think you should always feel happy, confident and strong, and you feel ashamed of vulnerable feelings e.g. anxiety, loneliness (emotional perfectionism).

· You think that people who love each other should not argue (relationship perfectionism).

· You feel you must impress others to like you, and you think that other will look down on you if you make a mistake or if you are vulnerable (perceived perfectionism).

We may not be able to explicitly express the beliefs behind some of our automatic behaviors. There are 18 hidden expectations or "emotional memories" that guide or behaviour and make our life difficult. Here they are:

18 thinking patterns  that damage relationships and success in life. How many do you have

Step4. Replace self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs

Replace and transform self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs into helpful positive ones. Rephrase “should” statements by using language that is less emotionally charged, and think in shades of gray rather than black-and-white (e.g. replace „failure is not an option” with “it is good to be successful, but it is also okay to fail sometimes”, or replace „people should be fair and nice” with „people are often fair, but sometimes they are not”).


Step5. Write your personal philosophy

After revising your beliefs, write your personal philosophy. Write down briefly the principles of your life, explain how you are going to live your life and why. Create mottos for every areas of life and include your new rules and beliefs that will drive your behavior
(e.g “ I cultivate compassion toward all sentient beings”, “I live  a minimalist life and buy and possess things only that are essential”,“I establish a friendship first with whom I want to date”, “I practice yogic austerities and so I eat only as much as needed to survive”, “I will be vegetarian because a yogi does not kill for food, etc. ).

 Here there is an example from Eastern wisdom, the Yoga way of life, which were described in the classical text on Yoga (Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 200 BCE- 500 CE). It suggests a temperate or even ascetic way of life and a compassionate attitude. Beyond the very basic commandments of non-violence (Sanskrit: ahimsa) and non-stealing (asteya), the yogic principles shepherd us toward truthfulness (satya) including not deceiting ourself.
 The yogi strive for purity (saucha), thus cleans the mind of its disturbing emotions like hatred, prejudice, passion, anger, lust, greed, delusion and pride; and cleans the intellect of impure negative thoughts. It brings benevolence and banishes mental pain and despair, and so one will see the vitues in others and not merely their faults.
 The yogi makes his life as simple as possible (non-possessiveness, aparigraha) and trains his mind not to feel the loss or the lack of anything, he does not crave what he does not have; and develop the capacity to remain satisfied with whatever happens to him, he remains tranquil in joy and sorrow, so he is naturally content (santosa).
The yogi exercise austerity (restraint, tapas and brahmacharya) through self-control of body, speech, and mind, such as fasting or reduction of amount of food (sacrifice of food); philanthropic social work (sacrifice of income); silence or reduction in talk (sacrifice of speech); asceticism (sacrifice of comfort); solitude or seclusion; chastity; and renouncing the fruits (e.g. satisfaction, pride) of his actions. The yogi adopt a vegeterian diet since he does not kill for food.

What you think you will become? Be sure you do not have these distortions in your thoughts!



Attitude toward life is determined mainly by our thoughts. “We are not troubled by things but by the opinion we have of things.” according to ancient Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, a forerunner of modern cognitive psychology. Distorted thinking or irrational thoughts generate anxious feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassement, loneliness, and hoplessness.

Thoughts functions as stimuli for more thoughts, resulting in a stream of thoughts and perceptions. Thoughts (=action of the mind) are acquired and maintained in much the same manner as overt behavior, thus can be modified by any type of reinforcement or punishment that seems to have a contingent connection to them. To renew your attitude, you need to explore and carefully examine your  negative thoughts and eliminate distortions, and transform the underlying self-defeating and self-limiting beliefs as well and revise your personal philosophy.

Here is a post how to revise beliefs and personal phosophy:
The very life philosophy that promotes low self-esteem: the hidden stumbling-block of succes


How to challenge negative thoughts?

You may carry negative thoughts and negative thinking from childhood and you may not be aware of them and the damage they do in your life. You may just notice a constant discomfort or irritability and you may feel that you just want to hide in a quite place or move to a nice place to be happy (e.g. Hawaii). Even if you would move to a deserted island, your negative thoughts and mind-set follow you. Instead, identify and challenge your negative thoughts and get rid of them right now!

Step 1. Identify negative thoughts and damaging self-critic

 Practice #1.
Make notes daily about the topics of your fantasies with a brief description. What are you thinking of throughout the day? What are you daydreaming about? Do you rehearse past awful experiences, failures and hurts, who did you wrong, or future worries, failures and hurts? Do you frequently criticize yourself (self-putdowns, nothing is good enough)? How much time do you spend with worrying (what can go wrong)? What feelings do these fantasies generate inside you (e.g. anger, sadness, etc.)? What thoughts accompany these fantasies?

 Practice #2.
Describe an upsetting event (be specific, what happened, when and where, whom you were with, who said what etc.). Also write down how you felt, and rate your negative feelings from 0-100% (e.g. felt hurt 70%, inferior 80%, jealous, angry, rejected, etc). Then write down your negative thoughts and estimate your belief in each one (0-100%).

 Practice #3.
Write down your internal dialogs (self-talk) daily, the stream of thoughts in your mind. What do you say to yourself when you relax, when you make mistakes, and when you think of a new plan, or doing something good (e.g. “I am an loser”, I cannot do anything right”, “I always fail”, “Nobody likes me”,”I am lazy”, “I am dumb”, etc.).

 Practice #4.
You can find damaging self-critics by unleashing your unconscious voice. Think of  things you want to be, or trying to be but having a hard time, and write down affirmations related to all the things you want to achieve (e.g. “I am going to become wealthy by running my business and I am going to be famous. I am a good communicator, I will become a billionaire from …”, etc.). Then write this affirmations or read it again and again until it becomes boring and effortless chanting, and your unconscious voice comes into your mind and putting you down (e.g. “you wealthy...yeah...you cannot even make both ends meet...haha....famous...you are not good enough,” etc.).


Step 2. Identify distortions in your thoughts

Identify the distortions of each thought and write it down (e.g. “I am a total loser”- labeling, “I will be alone forever”- overgeneralization, “I am a total loser”- all-or-nothing thinking, “I should always be successful and never fail.”- should statements, etc.). Here is some common distortions:

· You see things in black and white, e.g. „I failed, I am a total loser” (all-or-nothing thinking).

· You view a negative event as a general pattern, use words such as always, never, e.g. „I always fail, I never do anything right” (overgeneralization).

· You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives, e.g. „I have so many weaknesses” (mental filter).

· You jump to conclusion without any evidence and assuming that people do not like you,  e.g. „they probably think that I am an idiot” (mind reading).

· You predict that things will turn out badly, e.g. „I will not get what I want anyway” (fortune-telling).

· You magnify or minimize the importance of things, e.g. „This proves that I am hopeless after all”,„Everyone/a monkey can do this” (magnify/minimize).

· You reason from how you feel, e.g. “I feel miserable so I must be a looser” (emotional reasoning).

· You label yourself when things are not going well, e.g. „I am an idiot, a born loser” (labeling).

· You criticize yourself and other people with “should” and “must” statements, e.g. „I should always be perfect, „I must never fail”, „People should be fair” (should statements)

· You blame yourself or other people,  e.g. “she/he makes me unhappy” (blaming).


Step 3. Challenge and change your negative thoughts

 Choose your words wisely. Define exactly what do you really mean by that statement (e.g. “I always screw up” etc.) by rephrasing them and choosing objective words and avoiding emotionally charged words (e.g. “ It would be preferable if I had not made that mistake”, rather than “I should not have made a mistake, how could I be so stupid”).

 Examine the evidence whether your thought is true or not. List the evidence that your statement is not true (e.g. “ I accomplished this and that, so I might not be a total loser”, etc). Also, list the evidence that the statement is true, and imagine that your friend says such things to you about him/herself (e.g. “I have screwed up”). What would you tell him? You probably would react compassionately and encourage him/her to work on his/her deficiencies. Thus, avoid double-standard and be compassionate with yourself as well (e.g. “I am always screwing up”, refute with “Everyone makes mistakes, I need to work on my weaknesses.” etc.).

 Replace the negative thoughts by true, realistic and affirming positive thoughts that are able to reduce your belief in the negative thoughts (e.g. “I used to be successful, so I can be again even though I am having a setback”, “I have not always been alone, so I can be in a relationship again.”, etc.).

 Finally, go back to the negative thoughts and re-estimate your belief in each one. Once you see that your negative thoughts are unrealistic, it become easier to stop them and replace them.

Step 4. Imprint positive thoughts in your mind

To imprint healthy thoughts, you may record your positive thoughts and affirmations and suggestions (expectations) on tape and listen to them daily in a relaxed state (self-hypnosis), or write them down and put it where you always see them. When listening to or repeating your affirmations, suspend doubt and create a feeling of belief.

 Important points to consider when you create affirmations:

· Phrase your affirmations in the present tense, “I am, I feel” instead of “I will”;

· Phrase them in the positive way “I am always on time” instead of “I am never late”; and

· Be clear and concise.


For instance, “All is well, I feel content whatever happens to me. I am grateful for my life.
I allow wonderful things to flow into my life. I choose love, fun and freedom.
I become more peaceful and at ease with all that happens in my life.
I am at peace regardless of my surroundings. I trust in the process of life.
I am connected to divine love and wisdom. My life is blossoming in perfection.
I am greatful for all that I am.
I am worthwhile simply because I am a living being.
I am a magnet for financial abundance and wealth. I feel prosperous at all times. Money flows to me easily and abundantly. I give and receive money freely.
Everything I need is coming to me easily and effortlessly. It is okay for me to have everything I want.
I have a perfectly satisfying, well-paying job. I love my work.
I am friendly and gentle to myself and others. Beauty radiates from within me. I spread light and life wherever I go.
When I believe in myself, so do others. I am happy, healthy and wise.”


5. Cultivate positive mind-set

This practice make you see an event from another point of view. The roots of positive thinking is narrated in a buddhist parable, in which Buddha and his disciples were observing a carcase of a dog. The disciples were horrified by death, and wondered that only a dead body remains when life ends. And the Buddha said: ”yes, it is horrible, but what nice white teeth it has.”

 Here is how it is done: Notice something good in a negative event or upsetting situation (e.g. you spill your coffee, notice how interesting the shape of the stain; “you loose your job, notice that it is an opportunity to take on a new adventure” etc.).

*****

Related posts:
How to start yoga posture training at home